The UFC and FBI announced on Wednesday that a group of MMA fighters will visit Quantico this weekend, "to host an exclusive training seminar for academy students as well as senior FBI staff from around the world." I think we can all guess which senior FBI staff member wanted the chance to play fantasy camp.
The following quote was likely delivered by an excitable little guy already wearing compression shorts and hand wraps:
"I’m thrilled to announce this historic seminar between the FBI and the UFC at Quantico," said FBI Director Kash Patel. "This is a tremendous opportunity for our FBI agents to learn and train with some of the greatest athletes on earth - helping the world’s premier law enforcement agency be even better prepared to protect the American people. Dana White has changed the game in the mixed martial arts industry and we’re extremely honored to be partnered with him, the professionals, and the UFC. We are grateful for their shared love of our nation, so that we can better defend her."
Not since the unholy union of Fanatics and Ticketmaster has there been such a natural partnership. Patel had floated the idea last year, shortly after he was appointed FBI director. This tracks, since Donald Trump's administration is full of MMA fans, and the president is friends with UFC czar Dana White. There are already plans to have a UFC event in June on the White House's South Lawn, for the United States Semiquincentennial.
But surely no one involved actually believes that a jiu jitsu ground position will help dispatch a global threat. Justin Gaethje will not be improving the bureau's clearance rate. Mostly, you should think of this seminar as enrichment for Patel, who can get surly in his enclosure.
The FBI director was drawing lots of scrutiny last month for his heavy usage of jet fuel, so teacher had to organize something accessible by car. And it'll help him burn off the fruit snacks he ate at lunchtime. Expect this weekend's activities to involve some monologues about leadership and resilience, with some low-effort grappling mixed in, and perhaps a few demonstrations of a guillotine choke, ideally on Patel. Maybe someone will even get ringworm.
