They Should Make Big English Muffins
10:28 AM EST on January 26, 2022
The English muffin: It's very good. But what if it could be better? What if it could be ... more? What if they made a Big English muffin? I'm sure you have questions.
How big is this English muffin? However big you were thinking, think bigger.
But Barry, this exists and this exists. I do not merely want a bigger English muffin. Both are noble stabs at what is clearly a widespread complaint of English muffins being too small, but progress here need not be incremental. We do not need to build toward the Big English muffin. Muffin technology is sufficiently advanced. The people are ready now.
So are we talking, like, a pancake-sized English muffin? Only if you have a lack of imagination. I forgive you, though; radical societal changes can be scary. What "we are talking" is a muffin the size of an LP record or a generous personal pan pizza.
Whoa! That's right whoa.
I want a muffin that can feed a family. A muffin that creates leftovers. "Kids, come down to dinner, we're having English muffin tonight. How many slices do you want?" That sort of muffin.
Look, the English muffin is basically the perfect bread product. It is airy and hearty at the same time. It is a perfect receptacle for just about any spread. Its crevices are ideal for melting stuff into, yet still stoutly supporting any protein you care to layer upon it. When you want an English muffin, you want an English muffin. And I want more muffin per muffin.
How thick will the Big English muffin be? It will be the same thickness as current muffins. The thickness is already perfect. Diameter is what we are addressing, and the sun shall never set on this English muffin.
Will the Big English muffin maintain its structural integrity at this size? Probably.
Isn't this basically what you're asking for? I will ask you to take this exercise seriously.
All right, what about this? Look at that. Look at it closely. What do you see? Or more precisely, what do you not see? That's right: no nooks, nor crannies. The whole point of making the English muffin big is that it has nooks and crannies. That is why we're here. The Big English muffin will have more nooks than Barnes & Noble's unsold inventory. Its crannies will be the size of Valles Marineris.
What will I put on the Big English muffin? This depends on whether you want a sweet Big English muffin or a savory Big English muffin. Smear it with tubs of butter and marmalade for a treat that serves just as well at breakfast as it does at dessert. Top it with a dozen eggs. Create the full-sized pizza muffin that our top scientists have previously considered only theoretical. The choice is yours. The world is your muffin.
How will I toast the Big English muffin without shelling out hundreds of dollars on a restaurant-grade toaster oven? Frankly that is not my problem.
How would your life change with the introduction of the Big English muffin? Currently, I would be noshing on a good-sized slice of muffin. It might be leftovers from yesterday's muffin.
You could just eat a regular English muffin? I see the world is not yet ready for my ideas.