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NFL

The Macpill Is Becoming Too Potent

Mac Jones #10 of the New England Patriots reacts before the game against the Cleveland Browns at Gillette Stadium on November 14, 2021 in Foxborough, Massachusetts.
Maddie Meyer/Getty Images

Health experts across the country agree: Every American over the age of 18, especially those with pre-existing conditions, should take the Macpill.

The New England Patriots stomped the Cleveland Browns on Sunday, 45-7. How much of that was due to Nick Chubb’s absence, Rhamondre Stevenson’s breakout game, or the Pats’ defense? That’s not relevant at this time. The Macpill has no contraindications. The medicated hordes will look at the stats and find greatness within them: Mac Jones was 19-of-23 for 198 passing yards, three touchdowns, and no turnovers. The Patriots are 6-4 and have won four straight. It is only a matter of time before a team led by a former child model takes control of the AFC East.

Jones’s highlight of the day was this touchdown pass to Kendrick Bourne, to conclude a 99-yard drive. Experts would describe this throw as “sick.” Jimmy Garoppolo should retroactively pay Mac Jones for being willing to wear his jersey number.

Jones has made the Chargers and Browns, two assumed AFC contenders, look like big frauds. He is poised, the highest compliment that can be awarded to any rookie quarterback. His teammates know this, as evidenced by this Tom Curran column, which was clearly written under the influence of the Macpill:

“Mac always looks poised. I don’t know what it is,” said wide receiver Kendrick Bourne. “He’s just driven in different ways, wired a different way. He’s just relaxed and I think that’s how we all need to play. He’s not thinking about the next play. He’s not thinking about the last play. He’s thinking about the current play. That mindset can take you far in this league when you have that kind of mindset. I think he has it. It’s easy to dwell on the past. It’s easy to get caught up on what’s ahead and what’s coming. He’s good at just being in the moment and fixing what he’s got going on right there.”

“I pretty much knew what we had the first day of OTAs,” said tackle Trent Brown. “He’s different. He’s not just your average rookie quarterback. He has a lot of poise, but super mature. He attacks every day like it’s game day. He prepares well. He’s just on top of everything.”

NBC Sports Boston

This poise can be seen during the game. Sometimes on third down Mac Jones will be sacked then jog to the sideline, unfazed, his hearty stomach cushioning him from any serious harm. The broadcast will show him on the bench, expressionless, mouth occasionally slightly open, blood occasionally on his jersey. Is he deep in thought about the failed offensive drive, or is he just a little dim? Does it matter?

Shannon Sharpe has taken more than the recommended dosage of Macpills.

Skip Bayless could not open the Macpill bottle’s childproof cap.

Who could have seen this coming? The Macpilled. They saw it coming. Schedule your appointment through your state’s department of health website, and do it quickly, before the Patriots have to play the Titans once and the Bills twice within the span of a month.

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