Let someone else be the one to parse out Shedeur Sanders Agonistes. Meanwhile, on the internet's version of Page 8, there is the news that the Toronto Maple Leafs have now played three full playoff games and haven't lost one yet. Nothing raises suspicion quite like a perennial un-winner suddenly seeming to reconstruct its historical effluent, and while it's way early, these are still the Leafs. They are to be trusted with good fortune the way Pete Hegseth is to be trusted with troop deployments.
Yet with Thursday’s 3-2 overtime win over the Senators in Game 3 of the Great Ontario Wank, they have become the first team to take a 3-0 series lead, and toward that end have taken a 3-0 lead in a four-game series for only the second time since Canada became fully independent from Queenie Liz in 1982. The Leafs are Canada's team and Canada's banana peel, because the playoffs are their goal and their undoing, and have been since 1967.
Simon Benoit's none-too-imposing slapshot 1:19 into the extra period evaded Ottawa goaltender Linus Ullmark and sent the Leafs to the brink of their first four-game sweep since 2001 (against those poor dog-bit bastards from Ottawa) and their second since 1949. The Leafs do not do comfortable. They make their fans sweat peameal bacon before eventually barfing themselves, a gastric salute to long-suffering that puts almost all other fan bases to shame.
Because we love narratives enough to contrive them out of soot, we imagined that Ottawa would be a difficult first-round match for the Leafs because, well, it's Ottawa, and wouldn't it be fun to watch a steady stream of Ontario bar fights? I mean, they finished seventh for a reason, right? Well, maybe they did, but we haven't seen it yet. The point is, they've been the least troublesome opponent through three games, and nobody outside the capital thought the Senators had quite enough Tkachukery to knock off the Leafs.
But 3-0? Most of Canada wanted a better series than this. Hell, most of Eswatini wanted a better series than this. The Leafs make an unconvincing bully, even if they need overtime to gather their swagger. They are best suited to play the true unlucky bastard that never gets its forehead kissed by whatever god is in charge of hockey. They have created their own industry around it in ways that would make the Atlanta Hawks, Detroit Lions, and Cleveland Baseball Consortium feel charmed. The North Stars have been to more Cup Finals over the last half-century than Toronto, and they haven’t existed for 33 years.
Plus, the overtimes have sucked because they've barely lasted a trip to the bathroom. Other than Avalanche-Stars Game 2, the overtimes have ended before a normal break for ablutions, and that is no way to run a postseason.
But the Leafs can only do what they do, and through three games they have done all that can be done. What makes it special is that this is not what the Leafs traditionally do. What they traditionally do is fail, sometimes in a hurry, sometimes in agony, but always. And let's be honest: They could add to their litany by somehow losing this series because in the Cup chase, 3-0 is miles from 4. You count your chickens at the coop's peril.
