Welcome back to Minor Dilemmas, where a member of Defector's Parents Council will answer your questions on surviving family life. Have a question? Email us at minordilemmas@defector.com.
This week, Chris answers questions on how to prepare for outings with a baby or toddler.
Tom:
I am a US-based Arsenal fan and, against all good judgment and prior precedent, am considering booking a trip to London to witness what I hope will be a joyous final weekend of the English Premier League season and subsequent championship parade. I am also the father of a two-year-old boy who would need to either be brought along on this journey or left at home with my wife. The idea of making this into our family's first big international trip since my son was born is very appealing. But I'm a little nervous because this would be by far the longest flight we've ever taken with the little guy (his longest-ever flight was two hours, this would be over 10) and the first vacation where we wouldn't have a grandparent or two along to help with him.
So, realistically, what's it like to fly overseas with a toddler? What kinds of considerations/logistics am I, as a novice parent traveler, probably not thinking about? Assuming it can be done, what are the keys to making a trip like this a positive and fun experience for all rather than a stressful horror show that we dare not repeat for years?
I assume by your letter that your wife has expressed some willingness to entertain the idea of being left home with your two-year-old son while you dip off to London to watch soccer. That's nice of her! She seems very open-minded and cool. I hope she knows how much you appreciate these qualities in her. You should give her an impromptu hug and thank her for being the sort of person who would allow you to advance far enough with this idea that you are writing in for advice about it.
Having said all that: Man, do not leave your wife and two-year-old son at home while you dip off to London to watch soccer!
Back to me: When my daughter was 16 months old, my wife and I took her to Europe for five weeks. We flew to Paris, took a train to Annecy, rented a car and drove to L'Isle-sur-la-Sorgue, continued south to Cannes, flew from Nice to Napoli, took the train to Salerno, hopped on the ferry to Minori, then flew from Napoli to Catania, took a bus from Catania to Taormina, and then flew home from Catania, by way of Istanbul. And it was so successful that three years later we moved to Sicily for three months.
I don't say that to brag, although I'm super proud of it. I say it because you really do not need to be afraid of traveling internationally with your toddler. I think Americans tend to imagine international travel as a larger commitment than it is. Consider this: All over the United States this spring and summer, families will be cramming SUVs full of crap and driving to destinations along the Atlantic and Gulf coasts. Spend a couple minutes in the parking lot at EPCOT and you will see license plates from Ohio, Maine, Ontario, Texas, and California,and from everywhere else in North America, too. The beaches of the mid-Atlantic will be jammed with people who drove 10 hours, in some cases overnight, with kids and luggage all stuffed in and strapped everywhere. A trip to London, truly, is only marginally more complicated. If your son has a passport, you have cleared the real logistical hurdle. If your son does not have a passport, you should know that the process is considerably more straightforward than filing your taxes.
The other thing I want good, conscientious American travelers to understand is that bad, shitty, obnoxious Americans are going everywhere on the planet, all the time. The first time I went to southern Italy I was like 33-years-old. At one point I was on a boat staring at the beautiful rocky coastline with tears in my eyes, having a whole-ass religious experience, and it took me a few minutes to realize that the boat was otherwise crammed not with romantic archetypes of Italian culture but with half-dead hungover American teenagers, who'd been sent there for spring break, and who were so unmoved by the scenery that most of them were glued to their phones. Continental Europe, this summer, will be filled to the brim with terrible British and American tourists who not only will not bother to learn any native languages, but will straight-up scold local workers for failing to serve the same bland shit that those British and American tourists are used to eating at home.
What I am saying, in this rant, is that people worse than you are headed out to exotic international locations all the time. They are out there seeing the sights; their terrible children are running amok in all the beautiful places. We should not allow the colonial mindset to be a travel superpower. If those assholes can do it, so can you.
The thing you are not thinking about, as "a novice parent traveler," is what makes for a good time for a two-year-old. The truth is, your two-year-old will not care about London; they will not be able to form a concept of "London" any more than they will be able to form a concept of algebra. Build into your trip the kinds of things that two-year-olds enjoy: Figure out where you want to stay, and then locate on a map where there is a nearby green park, where there is a playground with swings, and where there is a restaurant that serves pancakes. The first time my daughter was in Paris, when she was younger than your son, the best time she had, by far, was on the steps of the Sacré-Cœur, just going up and then down, and then up, and then down. The second time she was in Paris she was four years old, and the best time she had was trying on sparkly adult shoes and dresses in a thrift store, where the ladies made a big show of approving of her sartorial instincts. In both cases, she could have been anywhere on the planet: In my experience, the secret to getting young kids to open their eyes to the unique delights of a place is to make sure they get some time to do normal kid things, to blow off steam, to point at glowy lights, to hold a toy, to eat a pancake.
A two-year-old will put up with an art museum, or a soccer match—happily, in fact—if they've had some run-around time at a playground, or if they know that some run-around time is coming on the other side. Other than that, don't sweat the logistics. It'll be fine. If your kid fidgets and fights and howls the whole way to London, at the end of the flight you will still be in London. Take the family, spread around the prerogatives, and have a blast. It's no big deal!
Max:
I am scheduled to take paternity leave for 10 weeks starting later this month and concluding in June.
My son was born in February and will be 10 weeks old when my leave begins. My wife and I overlap our leave in the first half, then I'll have five weeks completely unsupervised.
What activities should be on our to-do list? Should we try to take a vacation? Baby's first baseball day game? Should we become regulars at the new cafe down the road?
Any and all suggestions appreciated!
Hey Max! Congratulations on having a child. Kids are the best. I think it'd be fine to take a vacation or head to a baseball game, but you should know that your infant will not grasp the particular joys of those experiences, nor will they remember any of them. As enthusiastic as I may be about whisking a two-year-old across the ocean, I do want to at least pump the brakes a little bit on the idea of a "first baseball day game" trip, if only to note that in no meaningful sense will this baseball day game be a part of your child's autobiography, because under no circumstances will your child comprehend or recall any single moment of it. If the stadium spontaneously lifts off the ground and soars through the sky like a giant frisbee, at the end of its flight your months-old child will not have noticed. As far as bonding and so forth, your child would be far better served if the two of you spent the same block of time lying on the floor together in your living room.
Here is what I recommend: For the 10 weeks that you are on leave, try to take on as much of the daily and hourly parenting stuff as possible. Do all the diapers, do all the naptimes, hoist your baby up into your arms and march around their bedroom every night, singing lullabies until your back is screaming.
Your wife will appreciate it very much, and will get lots of rest, and that rest will be restorative, and that's all fine and good. But the real reason is because there is a future version of you that will feel heartbroken and absolutely fucking bewildered to look back on this time and recall moments when your little squishy baby was wriggling in a cradle and you were doing something else. I can barely allow myself to recollect my child's early infancy without dissolving into a blubbering wreck. That baby is gone! The time of my child's life when I got to swaddle her in soft cotton and hold her like a little loaf of bread and pace back and forth in a hushed bedroom, singing little songs and smelling her little head and listening to her breathing, that's completely over. Gone, gone, gone. Awful.
Those days are exhausting, of course, but I would chop off entire fingers for the privilege of dropping back into them. The pastel onesies, the tranquilizing sound of an enjoyed binky, my lungs full of new baby smell, the absolute euphoria of my own tiny child completely asleep and safe right there on my chest. I think a thing that will warm you from within for the entire rest of your life is the bonding you will do with your kid if you devote yourself entirely to their care for the puny handful of weeks you are given to be only their parent. Be possessive about it! If your wife picks up a diaper, shoo her away, to a bathtub or a reading nook or a damn strip club. NOW IS THE TIME OF DAD.
It's fine to do some of that at a baseball game, sure. Or on a flight to London! But while you have the time to be just a dad, try to focus on being only a dad. This might be the only chance you ever get!
