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Republicans Struggle To Comprehend Nation’s Interest In NFL All-Pro And Taylor Swift

BALTIMORE, MARYLAND - JANUARY 28: Travis Kelce #87 of the Kansas City Chiefs (L) celebrates with Taylor Swift after defeating the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC Championship Game at M&T Bank Stadium on January 28, 2024 in Baltimore, Maryland. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images)
Patrick Smith/Getty Images

If you're excited about the upcoming Super Bowl and are curious to see how CBS will cover Travis Kelce and his relationship with Taylor Swift, the most famous woman on the planet, congratulations, you fool: You have fallen into the deep state's trap. Donald Trump's halfwit foot soldiers are waging a high-pitched culture war centered around the romance between the Kansas City Chiefs tight end and superstar musician, putting Republicans in the curious rhetorical position of having to hate football and extremely popular white people.

In the eyes of conservatives, Kelce is a dedicated crusader for the woke agenda. The proof for this is his kneeling for the national anthem in 2017, and his endorsements of a woke beer brand, a woke insurance chain, and—you guessed it—a woke pharmaceutical company. Swift's extremely woke credentials are clear: She's tepidly endorsed Democratic candidates and publicly spoken about the far-left issue of voter registration. While there is also speculation that Swift made Kelce woke, the crux here is that the relationship is a psyop: an insincere arrangement created to brainwash the impressionable and otherwise unpolarized masses who like football or music, indoctrinating them into the woke mindset.

This ridiculous grievance is not exactly new. Conservatives have been yapping since the NFL season began in September. When Swift was named Time magazine's Person of the Year, ghouls like Stephen Miller speculated that this was "not organic." What ulterior motive could there be for national interest in celebrity news about an NFL All-Pro and a billionaire musician? But with a two-week buildup to Kansas City's appearance in the Super Bowl, and Joe Biden's campaign reportedly trying to court an endorsement from Swift to give his re-election hopes a boost, everyone's getting in their gripes and showing how little they know about football and popular music.

Cautionary hairline tale Vivek Ramaswamy and some MAGA operative whose name is Mike Crispi have complained about a Chiefs victory in a fixed Super Bowl, clearly unfamiliar with the importance of quarterback play in today's NFL. Jack Posobiec is talking about how Jon Voight has to out-influence Taylor Swift. The orcs at the network OAN have joined the chorus and brought Jesus into it. Anyone who is anyone in the make-work world of conservative media has understood that the current assignment is to whine about this.

My favorite example was plagiarism enthusiast Benny Johnson speculating that Kelce's fame was obviously manufactured for the reason that he's a tight end, a "glorified lineman." Like Johnson, I did some light research on Wikipedia and learned that he went to the University of Iowa, which is the most embarrassing possible credential to have when making the case that Kelce isn't a good NFL player. Casual! Benny does not know ball!

These people do not comprehend how off-putting they are being. When this genre of weirdo decides to freak out about something like the children's show Paw Patrol, at least it's contained and short-lived. But the NFL and Taylor Swift are well-defined cultural forces. It doesn't take much to figure out why people care about them. Analysis from the New York Times showed that Swift had been shown on NFL broadcasts for a grand total of two minutes and 12 seconds across the Chiefs' three playoff games. That relatively insignificant amount of time won't stop the dimmest and loudest from projecting their confusing anxieties onto the couple.

When sad sandwich man Scott Walker complains about how the team with the Native American theme and Tomahawk chop is the simultaneous avatar of white supremacy and woke liberalism, or when Fox News is suddenly concerned about CO2 emissions because of Swift's private jet, it's almost funny. These losers are trying to run hypocrisy traps about the things they supposedly are fighting so hard to preserve. They don't even know what they want anymore! Come back when you're ready to make the case that Zay Flowers's CIA handlers instructed him to fumble the ball at the goal line.

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