Patriots And Broncos Stink On Ice

The first half of Sunday's AFC championship game, played between the New England Patriots and the Denver Broncos, was ugly and halting, featuring two bumbling offenses questing for any sort of foothold or forward momentum. Denver quarterback Jarrett Stidham, thrust into action by Bo Nix's season-ending ankle injury last weekend, connected on a deep ball on Denver's second drive, setting up a Broncos touchdown and creating the fleeting, illusory, tragic, and extremely unfair hope that he might have the ability to differentiate between a hornet's nest and his own butthole. New England's Drake Maye, who had no such excuse, led the Patriots to five punts and 67 total yards of offense.

New England's lone score of the first half came at the end of a 12-yard drive following an astoundingly boneheaded turnover from Stidham: On a short third down in his own territory, Stidham retreated 20 yards under pressure and then desperately chest-passed the ball toward the sideline. A referee blew the play dead, which prevented what should have been a lovely scoop-and-score for New England's Elijah Ponder. Stidham's fling was initially ruled intentional grounding—which it most certainly was, in the sense that the ball was grounded and it was super intentional—but after conferencing the referees agreed that he'd flung it backwards, which is a fumble. The Patriots took possession, and three plays later Maye scored on a quarterback draw.

The most important moment of the first half might ultimately have been Sean Payton's decision, on fourth-and-one from New England's 14 yard-line early in the second quarter, to call a pass play instead of kicking a field goal. Stidham was very nearly intercepted on a shitty out-rout, and the Broncos lost possession on downs. Perhaps it only seemed this way, but I would swear that Denver never completed another pass in the game, nor gained any yards, and in fact emerged from the tunnel after halftime nude, eyeless, and drenched in blood, and ran around howling "liberate tutemet ex inferis" in inhuman screeching voices.

The second half was snowy. Normally this is great fun, in particular when good, competent offenses have to work their stuff at half-speed, in wind, while slipping all over. These offenses were already slipping all over, due to being horrible, which somewhat spoiled the effect. The Broncos entirely lost the ability to move the football: Across five second-half drives, Denver gained a total of 32 yards. The Patriots managed two competent third-quarter drives, gaining 115 yards and using up more than 13 minutes of game clock, but converted all that success into just three points on two field-goal tries.

In the fourth quarter, as the field became slick, visibility went to shit, and it became clear that it would be impossible for Denver to score without someone from the Patriots handing one of them the ball while physically inside their own end-zone, New England resorted to working the clock and field position. Denver's one good chance came after a busted 26-yard New England punt left the Broncos well within field goal range. Of course, Wil Lutz's 45-yarder came out low, Leonard Taylor III tipped it, and it sailed wide.

Denver's final spasm came late in the fourth quarter, after the point when it was no longer possible to hope that they could intentionally produce positive yardage, let along on consecutive plays. On second down, Stidham dropped back, planted his feet, and lofted a ball deep up the right hash. The play looked an awful lot like the 52-yarder Stidham hit, to Marvin Mims Jr., back in the first quarter, only this time with snow under his feet, with pressure in his face, with the hunched posture and stiff movement of one who is suffering from hypothermia, and with not one single chance in hell of connecting. The pass, effectively a Hail Mary, hit a wide open Christian Gonzalez, who unfortunately plays for New England. This brought to a merciful conclusion the competitive portion of this game.

I feel bad for Jarrett Stidham. He made two professional-grade plays in the first half, and was otherwise a total mess, and though the snow made his job in the second half basically impossible, it arrived too late in the proceedings to confuse anyone about his qualities as an NFL player. He stinks. The Patriots prevailed, by the score of 10–7. Drake Maye will now lead the New England Patriots to the Super Bowl, where hopefully the cosmos will finally present them with a serious opponent, and they will be squished flatter than a pancake. Goodnight.