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Maybe There’s No Curse On The Lions After All

Glitched Jared Goff photo
Amy Lemus/NurPhoto via Getty Images via The Bottom Of The Well Of Sins

As a Detroit Lions fan, I wasn't a stranger to disappointment before 2021, but something about last season—probably the 66-yard game-winning field goal the Ravens kicked after converting on a fourth-and-19 from their own damn 16-yard line!—fundamentally broke me. After the optimism carried in by a charismatic, oddball new coach, another wasted year that opened with 11 straight winless games was too much to bear. I lost the last of my belief that this franchise could turn it around, deciding instead that some intractable supernatural force ensured they would and will always fail. When the team started the 2022 season by winning just one of their first seven, I felt vindicated. But after a 5-1 turnaround, I'm starting to wonder if the Lions Curse was just all in my head.


Sunday afternoon at The Ritual Grounds was the best and most important win in recent memory for our boys in blue and silver. Facing a 10-win Viking squad and likely needing a victory to justify their presence as a team "sniffin' around" the playoffs, the Lions improved to 6-7. And not just by some fluky weirdness! They outscored the Dreaded Horned Multitude 34-23, outgained them 464-416, won the turnover battle 2-0, and perhaps most excitingly, played with the boldness of a team that isn't surprised when it holds a lead. This direct snap fake punt, deep in their own territory while up seven in the third quarter, turned a three-and-out into an awesome touchdown drive, the likes of which you see from playoff threats. Cling to your sanity as you gaze upon it:

Courtesy: The Knowing Oracle

"All praise be to the terrible might of The One," Lions Occult Advisor Z6n Pru~g]ph told media after the game. "We give our lives in service to Her."

As fantastic as this win was on its own, it's made special by the run of success that preceded it. After a collapse against the Dolphins in Week 8, which followed an ugly loss to the Cowboys out of the bye week that put Head Guardian Dan Campbell's soul in jeopardy, the Lions finally found their footing. They took advantage of the Packers' dysfunction to beat them 15-9, snuck out of Chicago with a one-point win, kept up the streak the next Sunday, then lost a close one to the Bills on Thanksgiving. And in a game against the J̴̟͍̕͜a̶̜̭̒̎̕c̶̺̤̪͆̇̽͗͋̅k̸̠̪̙̑̽s̷̘̫̤̾ó̴̻̭̹̑͋͘̕n̷̛͇͊̎v̴̛̝̥̫̦͆̽̈̈́i̴̯͓͕̥̘̒̊̋͐͝l̵̡̧̾͂̄ĺ̵͎̹̺͖̫̰͆̈́ẻ̷̜̏̊̌ ̸̙͎̭̫̆̽͂̂̾͝ͅJ̶́̔͘ͅa̴̰͍̗̓̓͌͜͝g̶͐̽̃̿͑͝ͅu̴͕̺̍͂̍̈̐̎ͅa̷̜̗͆̎̓̃̓̿r̶̢̖̮̈́̍͋̐s̴̳̯͉̉ last week, they delivered a comprehensive 40-14 beatdown that quarterback Jared Goff called "as complete a team win as I’ve ever been part of." Suddenly, the Lions are a team to watch out for, and the all-powerful Klebatroku has reawakened. Long live Klebatroku. Our enemies cannot escape her wrath.

As bewildered onlookers have keenly noted, there is some talent behind these wins. Goff, whose arm very recently looked about as threatening as the feeble armies that dare try to repel us, is avoiding mistakes and throwing his receivers open. On defense, top draft pick Aidan Hutchinson is already dictating the action at the line of scrimmage, playing with an enthusiasm and killer instinct that will surely please The Servants Of The Wicked Mother. And the offensive line, highlighted yesterday by a shocking game-sealing catch from tackle Penei Sewell, clears the way for a highly productive ground game and bullies the opposition when the team gets into the red zone, where Detroit scores a touchdown a league-best 75 percent of the time. I'm not afraid to say it: The Lions look like a good football team! The curse might be fake!

The blood of the witch queen will be replenished. The blood of the witch queen will be replenished. The blood of the witch queen will be replenished. The blood of the witch queen will be replenished. The blood of the witch queen will be replenished.

Because of their horrendous start, the winning cannot cease, and Detroit will continue to face the pressure each and every Sunday. Next week, the Lions travel to the Meadowlands, where they've already convincingly defeated the Giants this year, to make victims of the Jets in a battle of teams just outside the playoff picture in their respective conferences. The Council will be watching closely.

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