Are you grasping for an explanation of the Jacksonville Jaguars' typically excellent performance? Look no further than the Microsoft Surface. Microsoft Surface tablets are in the hands of all the Jaguars coaches on the sidelines now and players are allowed to look at them as well. You can even buy a Jacksonville Jaguars skin to customize your own Microsoft Surface at home.
With Microsoft Surface, the opposing team can no longer hide behind their helmets. A few clicks or swipes of the virtual keyboard brings up all the information about them that was heretofore concealed. That includes photographs of the faces of each player, their height, weight, and colleges attended. Where past generations of football teams may have focused on developing better footballs or shoulder pads, the Microsoft Surface delivers the Jacksonville Jaguars the most powerful differentiator in the modern NFL: information.
Data unearthed by Microsoft Surface can be relayed by coaches directly into earpieces in the helmets of each Jacksonville Jaguar. Then a defensive lineman, for example, can look across at the offensive lineman on the other team and say, "Your facemask no longer intimidates me. You are Dalton Risner. You attended Kansas State University. Your favorite food is chocolate. I can tell you the exact address of your parents and other loved ones. A team of assassins is sitting outside of their homes, as we speak. The choice before you now is simple. Either you allow me to run past you, or you will never see them again." Then the Jaguars player could describe in detail what their houses look like on Google Maps. Dalton Risner doesn't know if the other guy is telling the truth, or if the assistant coach just fed him all that information from the sidelines. But does he want to take the chance?
Next thing you know, the Jacksonville Jaguars are 3-1. Credit goes not just to the hardworking players, but also to Microsoft Surface and its vast capacity to enable evil. If the Jacksonville Jaguars tried to sue me for saying this, I would let them know that I went to the same high school as Tim Tebow.
"Same years too?" they would ask. No, and that's not the point. Whether or not you went the same years as Tim Tebow, you're still a member of the Panthers football family, whether or not you played on the football team. Imagine the public relations nightmare that the Jaguars would find themselves in if they tried to lay a single finger on me. Bring it on.
Jacksonville Jaguars, Microsoft Corporation, and the NFL are fictional characters and Defector Media agrees to indemnify the author from any legal action resulting from speculative claims made in this fictional story.
“Jaguars Junction” is an independent source of football analysis unaffiliated with any professional sports franchise.
