Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Got something you wanna contribute? Email the Roo. And buy Drew’s book, The Night The Lights Went Out, through here.
You! You’re a football fan. You have a team. Your team has a head coach, and you’re not entirely certain if your coach knows what the fuck they’re doing, or if they’re just a clueless asshat. How do you tell? Do you wait out the length of the coach’s contract and see if there’s a Super Bowl win along the way? Do you make sure they blitz a Hail Mary instead of sitting back and letting the magic happen? Do you ask the nerdy data nerds?
These are all viable options, but what if I told you that there was an easier, and ironclad, way of testing your coach’s mettle? Because there is, and it involves people like this:
That’s New York City Mayor Eric Adams, currently the subject of 500 different Amerigo-Turkiyan investigations. Some head coaches are presidents: smart, authoritative, aggressive. Some are senators: old, boring, uninterested in progress. Some are congressmen: eager for the spotlight but in desperate need of more experience running things. Your results will vary with all of these political avatars. But that won’t be the case if your coach is a MAYOR. If your head coach is a mayor, you are fucked. You should be frightened. Very frightened.
Because mayor is now a distinct personality, one that deserves its own place in the modern lexicon of slang, like “boomer,” “Karen,” and “Cody.” The next competent American mayor I encounter will be the first. But what makes someone a mayor, and how can you tell if the dude running your favorite team is one? Well, here now is a quick primer on how to determine it.
1. Does your coach possess a towering self-regard?
2. Are they grandiose about unimportant accomplishments, such as a new train station opening next to a landfill (“I thought our special teams were really strong today”)?
3. Do they engage in personal behavior that constantly oscillates between criminal and outright bizarre?
4. Do they look like a ghost?
5. When facing an urgent crisis, is their solution always increased physicality toward those responsible for it?
6. Do they have strange habits, like never wearing shoes while eating fruit?
7. Are they flanked by strange lackeys at all times?
8. Will they park directly on top of your own car?
9. Are they horny but in inexplicable ways?
10. Do they SUCK at apologizing?
If the answer to more than 50 percent of these questions is yes, you have my deepest sympathies. Maybe you think that Sean Payton, currently guiding Bo Nix to a winning record with an average depth of target that registers on the Kelvin scale, is still a great coach. Wrong. That man has Giuliani all over him. And what is Nick Sirianni but a mayor who sics the cops (Big Dom) on opponents and then pleads ignorance after the fact? And the late Denny Green may very well have been the most mayor head coach to ever operate within the NFL. I was there when Denny tossed out empty motivational slogans (“Plan your work and work your plan”), got accused of sexual harassment, and kept a stooge named Richard Solomon with him at all times despite the fact that no one in the organization knew who Solomon was or what the fuck his job was. And Denny Green was a popular coach at his peak! People loved the guy even though he never won dick! THAT’S a mayor.
Can you see it now? Can you see how your coach fits into the equation here? Are you looking at a photo of Mike McCarthy as you read this and whispering “My god” to yourself? I think you are. Now that you understand what a mayor is, you won’t be able to unsee all of the NFL mayors driving their teams into the ground. Matt Eberflus: mayor. Deion Sanders: mayor. 2024 Doug Pederson: oh my god such a mayor. Look close enough and you’ll be left unable to discern your Sean McDermotts from your Eric Garcettis, nor your Brian Dabolls from your Muriel Bowsers. Even if your head coach isn’t a mayor now, there’s nothing stopping them from becoming one somewhere down the line. Mayorism can happen to anyone … even you. If you don’t find that prospect (Halloween voice) SPOOOOOOKY, then you may already be one. An envelope of kickback money is under your welcome mat as I write this.
The Games
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Five Throwgasms
Lions at Packers: I swear to God that Jordan Love could be decapitated on the field, on camera, and it would still turn out to be a neck strain on the MRI a day later. The man is Wolverine with a limp.
Meanwhile, Jared Goff has thrown a grand total of 13 incompletions over his last four games. He is officially a dangerous quarterback now, and the Lions have somehow gotten better since losing their best pass rusher. I feel like I fell into a wormhole.
Four Throwgasms
Broncos at Ravens: Bo Nix could win multiple Super Bowls (he won’t) and I promise you I still won’t call him good. Get that dink-and-dunkmeister out of my fucking face.
Three Throwgasms
Colts at Vikings: For this exercise, let’s all agree for the moment that letting a rookie QB sit and learn for a year-plus (like Jordan Love and Patrick Mahomes) is the optimal way to develop them. Let’s also agree that rushing a QB into the starting lineup too quickly can do permanent damage to their long-term prospects, especially if you handle his early struggles as poorly as the Colts are currently handling Anthony Richardson’s regression. Bench your franchise QB once, and they almost never recover.
The problem then is that the rookie wage scale has so utterly perverted the economics of roster-building that nearly every team is incentivized to start any first-round QB right out of the gate, in order to take full advantage of their rookie deal. The longer your starter plays at a bargain salary, the more years you have to field a loaded team around them.
But that approach only works if the guy you draft is good, and good instantly. Most quarterbacks aren’t good right away, because NFL QB is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. No matter. The second you draft an AR or a Bryce Young, the whole world (myself included) will demand he start instantly, and then deem him a bust if he sucks after 10 minutes. In my football knowing opinion, this is suboptimal. I was around before the rookie wage scale, so I know that a lot of teams rushed young passers into the fold before it came to be. But it was better when teams had some measure of choice in the matter, even if they still fucked it up. This is why every rookie QB from now on must be remanded to some sort of special academy for a full year before officially joining the roster. It’d be like Hogwarts, only with a better sport.
Dolphins at Bills: I didn’t have a chance to highlight this last week, before Tua Tagovailoa returned to the field after becoming a ninth-degree black belt in the fencing position, but this killed me.
Never mind that the efficacy of Guardian Caps is dubious at best, I’m just aggravated that “It’s a personal choice” is now the default justification for anyone who wants to avoid getting vaccinated, not wear extra padding, never use a seat belt, never wear a rubber, or own 500 semi-automatic rifles. Tell any of these people you’d like abortion to be legal and they’ll call the DA on you.
Cowboys at Falcons: If you’re as confused as I am as to why certain calls need to be challenged by coaches and others automatically get an instant replay assist without any red flags needed, you’re not alone. Here now is how the NFL rulebook says Replay Assist should be deployed:
Replay officials located in NFL stadium replay booths and designated members of the NFL officiating department in Art McNally GameDay Central at the league office in New York may provide on-field officials with objective information regarding on-field rulings and the correct application of playing rules. Before, replay officials were only permitted to provide input on limited administrative issues and during replay reviews. Now, they can proactively assist in situations where clear and obvious video evidence is quickly available to assist the on-field officials on objective rulings. The new assistance rule applies to plays where there is clear and obvious video evidence to proactively address specific objective rulings.
THEN WHY DO WE NEED A FUCKING CHALLENGE SYSTEM? This isn’t a situation where the refs get to commandeer the entire replay process within the final two minutes of any half. I’ve seen replay assist correct multiple fuckups, on the spot, across every timeframe of every game. It’s fast, efficient, and correct. No ad breaks or announcements needed. It’s the ideal way to use replay, and therefore should be the only one. We don’t need a whole secondary replay process that involves coaches wasting timeouts on plays that need to be slowed down to .001x speed and zoomed in on to atomic levels to be parsed. Just get the tip from upstairs, change the call, and get on with it. The inconsistency appalls me.
Bucs at Chiefs: I know they’re fresh on the eyes compared to their current getups, but every time I see the Bucs in their Creamsicle unis, I remember why people in the '90s made fun of them. Not every retro design is worth bringing back.
Rams at Seahawks
Bears at Cardinals
Two Throwgasms
Texans at Jets: At this point, I watch the Jets strictly to see Aaron Rodgers throw four nice passes while juice-cleansing his way to a dogshit stat line.
This game is tonight, by the way. Be on the lookout for Amazon’s fabled “red orb,” which identifies random defenders for your pleasure.
Chargers at Browns: I’m not telling you to cheer for Jameis Winston. I’m not going to tell you that he’s redeemed himself in my eyes, or that he deserves accolades merely for being Not Deshaun Watson. However, I’m growing to appreciate just how fucking weird this man is. See for yourself here. What other NFL player is like this? What other person is like this? Jameis Winston is so fake, and so wildly incoherent, that he’s crossed the Rubicon and become one of the more interesting (like a car on fire) players in the NFL. I’m not gonna miss him when he’s gone, but I will feel the void. Jameis will be mayor of Tallahassee by 2040. Write it down.
Jaguars at Eagles
Commanders at Giants
One Throwgasm
Patriots at Titans: Not in London! Amazing! Finally, we get the pleasure of seeing quality games like this on American soil!
By the way, it’s fitting that the Titans can implode in front of all of us and STILL not get any attention for it. If this same shit was happening to the Browns (and it is), I’d already have written half a dozen posts about it. But these are the Titans, and fucking off is all any of us want from them. This organization is a disaster. The new head coach is a lemon, the QB situation is a broken toilet, and the front office is already selling off roster parts for scrap metal. If there’s any justice, Aaron Rodgers will sign a one-year deal with Tennessee for the 2025 season and then get eaten by a mountain lion.
Raiders at Bengals
Saints at Panthers
Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
“A.U.M.,” by Archspire! The album cover alone makes Archspire worthy of this space, but reader Sam has even more to sell you on it:
I feel like the intro says it all, "Bring back the fucking danger!"
You know what? They’re right. Let’s bring back the fucking danger. COOL danger, not the “Oops, did I just offend the trans folk?” bullshit that passes for danger in this century. I demand proper ownage.
Let Me Cook You Dinner
In case you missed the news, the winner of this year's Defector raffle will get treated to dinner on me. I'll fly to your house and whip up a meal using shit that's already in your kitchen. Bonus points to you if you own a blast chiller (you don't). Get off your ass and hit the tip jar if you want this smoke!
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2024 chopping block:
Robert Saleh—FIRED!!!
Mike McDaniel
Brian Daboll
Dave Caneles
Doug Pederson
Kevin Stefanski
Mike McCarthy*
Zac Taylor
Matt Eberflus
Shane Steichen
Dave Canales
Antonio Pierce
Dennis Allen
Brian Callahan*
(*potential midseason firing)
It breaks my heart that the Eagles have gotten their shit together (against horrible teams, but still). Now I might have to wait a whole other year, if not longer, to see Nick Sirianni go on the dole. Instead, I have to watch his team play kickass, bombs-away football for extended stretches. Horrible.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Zlatan sends in a story I call ONCE UPON A TURD IN MEXICO:
Everyone has their Mexican poop story, and this is mine. First let me preface, I have Crohn's disease. I have pooped my pants as an adult many times and have shat in some of the worst bathrooms, alleys, that you can imagine. I have no shame. Except for this one time. My wife and I were spending a few days in Sayulita, Mexico, a once sleepy little fishing and surfing town north of Puerto Vallarta. The little room we rented sat on a cliff with a small narrow path down to the coast. Once you get down to the bottom of this path you have to pass two notable landmarks: a small cemetery and a half-finished slash abandoned hotel structure. The wife and I make our way down the path, walk through the cemetery and pass the construction site. We continue our walk to the town center passing restaurants, the beach, bars, etc. It's going to be a great day.
We proceed to spend the rest of the day eating and drinking everything possible with the evening culminating in watching live music at a bar while passing a joint around. (We used to be so cool, thanks kids). It's around midnight at this point and we're getting ready to make the trek back to our room. My wife asks, "Hey are you sure you don't need to go?" Out come the famous last words, "Nah, I can make it."
About halfway through the walk, I feel the familiar sensation of a dam breaking in my bowels. I look at my wife and she knows exactly what's up. I speed up my walk and start doing that stupid ass clench one does when faced with a situation like this. Since this is a sleepy little town, everything is shut down at this point. The restaurants we passed: closed. The hotel: no way they're going to let me in to blow up their weak plumbing. My speed walk turns into a slight jog and then a full on sprint. I leave my wife behind. I see the construction off in the distance and know that the cemetery is next and the path home after that. "I can make it. I can make it." I run past the construction site and I'm in the cemetery when the full weight of failure hits me. There is no way I am making up the cliff path and to our room.
I'm not a superstitious or religious man by any means, but I am absolutely not going to shit in a cemetery. I turn and sprint back to the construction site. I've lost full control at this point. I don't have time to actually go into the building for privacy. I lean up against the concrete wall along the path and just let loose. I'll spare you the details. My wife, bless her heart, leisurely enters the scene because she knows better than to try and run with me when an emergency like this hits. She just nods as I finish my business and pull my shorts up. I waddle back to the room, shower and go to bed. The next day we wake up and take the same path back to town. Evidence of my crime fully on display on the path. I'd like to think that construction project was finished one day and a part of me will forever be entombed there.
We still laugh about it.
This is actually a Great Moment In Wife History, when you think about it for more than six seconds.
And Now Let’s Go Down To The Sideline And Check In With Charissa Thompson
“Drew, you were talking about orbs earlier in the Jamboroo. Well, Tesla founder Elon Musk is a HUGE fan of orbs. He keeps one in every room of his house, and even sleeps in an orb-shaped bed. Elon told me he became obsessed with orbs back when he was a child in South Africa, and that his father told him an orb’s shape ‘cannot be improved upon.’ He told me that he hopes to build an elevated, orb-based transit system across all of North America. He then opened his mouth and showed me two perfectly round jawbreakers tucked into each of his cheeks. Back to you, Drew.”
Thank you, Charissa.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Halida! From Brian:
Drew, I submit to you Halida. It sounds like it should be Spanish, and even says "cervesa" on the top of the can. But it's the "Best of Vietnam" if the bottom of the can is to be trusted. 330ml and 4.5% alcohol, and like every beverage in this country is served at room temperature. I enjoyed these out of my hotel minibar in Hanoi for 70,000 Dong, which is like $2.60. I imagine out in the wild, without minibar, markups it can't cost more than 50 cents a can. And the taste? Let's just say I'm worried the elephant on the can is heavily involved in the brewing process.
Mmmm… brewed elephant.
Gameday Movie Of The Week For Aaron Rodgers Fans
In honor of Halloween (that’s today!), we salute Blade, a movie I hadn’t seen until this year. Turns out I’d missed one of our finer action-horror movies. Blade’s got it all: Wesley Snipes delivering canned one-liners, the late Kris Kristofferson looking like the world’s coolest roadie, and Stephen Dorff rocking the most '90s haircut you’ll ever have the pleasure of gazing upon.
Snipes is a free man now, by the way. He’s paid his debt to society and is now available for hire. Judging by his work in Coming 2 America, his agent’s phone should be blowing up all day, every day. That’s not sarcasm. You think I’d disrespect Nino Brown like that? Wesley Snipes can’t pay his taxes, but he’s still one of the best actors in the game. Three stars.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“Oh goody, the Sea Monkeys I ordered have arrived! Heh heh heh, look at them cavort and caper!”
Enjoy the games, everyone.
