In light of the Trump administration's escalating threats of military action overseas and the militarized occupation of Minneapolis, the administration's announcement on Jan. 11 may have come as a surprise. The White House, it seems, will be ending the war on protein, per a tweet with the words "WE ARE ENDING THE WAR ON PROTEIN" emblazoned over an ominously hazy photo of some haunted specter assuming the form of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., white hair and deeply furrowed forehead dissolving into a shroud of darkness like Homer into the hedge. The tweet links to a website, realfood.gov, where three foods—a slab of steak, a carton of whole milk, and a floret of broccoli—converge to reveal another slogan: "Real food starts here."
What war on protein? you might ask if you live in the United States or seen an advertisement for one of this nation's increasingly deranged purchasable foodstuffs. I will admit that I participate in this culture. I have tried and enjoyed the Eggo Buttermilk Protein Waffles and the Barilla Protein+ Penne. Sometimes after working out I drink a protein juice with the flavor "Fuzzy Navel" (I am not proud of this). If there has indeed been a war on protein, surely Protein must have pulled off a flanking maneuver, soldiers massacred by the battalion by Starbucks's new lineup of Protein Lattes, featuring protein-boosted milk and "a variety of protein cold foams"; regiments splintered and picked apart by the 20g of whey protein isolate in Pure Genius Ready Clear Protein Water; POWs dispatched ruthlessly by Khloe Kardashian's Khloud protein popcorn. A moment of silence for all the lives lost in this needless war.
Of course there is no such thing as the war on protein, which is shockingly even faker than the war on Christmas. The nation is more protein-pilled than ever. Would a nation enmeshed in such a war create the Dunkin' Donuts Megan's Mango Protein Refresher as a part of a campaign with Megan Thee Stallion playing her alter ego, "Pro-Tina?" We are living in a moment of peak protein propaganda, and research suggests that, on average, adult Americans are already eating 20 percent more protein than we need—so much that it might be giving us kidney stones.
In other words, we've surrendered to protein without a fight. But this administration is not interested in facts, and certainly not in science, so it is only logical that the new U.S. nutrition guidelines eschew evidential guidance for a food pyramid prioritizing some of the tasty treats you might find in the fridge of the Liver King: a red slab of steak, unidentified ground meat, poultry, a wobbly, proteinous egg, and whole milk (written out, presumably, because Donald Trump has only just learned that it's not "hole milk.")
This new pyramid replaces MyPlate, a visualization for healthy eating unveiled under the Obama administration (the accompanying Dietary Guidelines for Americans, 2025–2030 announce that it is "reclaiming the food pyramid," as apparently woke ruined the pyramid with plate.) "They’re totally radical. They’ve thrown out 40 years of dietary guidelines just like that, and substituted recommendations that date back to the 1950s," Marion Nestle, professor emerita of nutrition, food studies and public health at New York University, said in an interview with Science News. Nestle also noted that, for the first time ever, the guidelines don't set limits for alcohol.
As a simple food-eater, I find the new pyramid baffling, and not just because it's upside-down. According to traditional food pyramid logic, the tip of the pyramid (which here is the bottom) should indicate foods to eat sparingly. But here the bottom of the pyramid is whole grains, which the guidelines still strongly recommend you eat. The Dietary Guidelines are just as baffling, including two new directives either written by ChatGPT or an overbearing alien: "Prioritize Protein Foods at Every Meal" and "Consume Dairy." If you are unsure how to best "consume meat," the guidelines are here to help. "If preferred, flavor with salt, spices, and herbs," states a bullet point buttressing the importance of Prioritizing Protein Foods. Ahh, my favorite recipe for consume meat!
If the alienating syntax is not clear enough, don't fret. RFK Jr. tweeted a surreal video in which his message—"eat real food"—dissolves into a fancam for Protein Foods and other consumables, which once again appears to have been made by a non-human entity that has never eaten a meal in their life. The first Real Food to appear in the video is a cooked steak, followed by a raw steak, and then an egg. These are certainly Real Foods. Then there is an avocado splashing in water (why?), a salmon filet (sure), two quasi-erotic shots of milk being poured, butter melting in a pan, footage of RFK Jr. cutting carrots while embalmed in a pus-yellow haze, presumably AI-generated cubes of swiss cheese tumbling in the air, and, of course, glistening strips of bacon.
Because of course RFK Jr. does not want all protein. There are no beans in the Real Foods fancam, nor tofu. To RFK Jr., protein is meat and whole milk, the manna of constipation. This shift is not just ideological—the alt-right is not the first racist movement to exploit dairy as a symbol of white superiority, and meat is a staple of MAGA-fied masculinity—but also economic. The Dietary Guidelines were not written to serve American health, but American industry. The guidelines were informed by a panel of nine experts, three of whom have received grants or consulted for the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association, reported the New York Times. Three members, including two affiliated with the Beef Association, also have financial ties to Big Dairy. Another serves on the National Pork Board, while yet another has created a protein meal replacement product. The recommendations released by the Biden administration for Dietary Guidelines in 2024 were informed by two years of public meetings and public comment. But the Trump administration brought in their own "experts," and invited no public comment.
Increased consumption of red meat and beef tallow leads to increased rates of colorectal cancer and cardiovascular disease. These guidelines will make us all sicker, even those of us who do not choose to follow them: cattle produce more greenhouse gases than any other agricultural livestock. So the new guidelines are strictly in line with RFK Jr.'s hobby of killing as many Americans as he can using all the tools at his disposal. In such a light, maybe this has been a war all along.
