In the bottom of the ninth inning Sunday night, the hosting Cleveland Guardians controlled their own fate. With a win, they would clinch a playoff berth, something that had seemed all but impossible at the end of August, when they were under .500. The bases were loaded improbably. With two outs, the Texas Rangers gave up a walk, a single, and another walk (this one intentional) in a tie game.
This is not a serious scenario for the last week of a baseball season when a team is hoping to clinch. That's a late-August-after-a-rain-delay scenario, but whatever. C.J. Kayfus—a rookie hitting .221— was in the box. Again, the Guardians had the bases loaded with two outs in a tie game in the bottom of the ninth. The first pitch from the Rangers' Robert Garcia was a strike, but the second was a four-seam fastball out of control. It streaked its way up and in. Kayfus turned his shoulder to the mound intentionally away from the rising ball and it hit him right on the back of the right forearm.
And so the Rangers handed the Guardians a playoff berth–clinching run by hitting a player with a pitch with the bases loaded. Under normal circumstances, I would say the Rangers should be deeply embarrassed and ashamed of this behavior. A team without a playoff berth to fight for should have spite in its heart, like the Marlins seemed to against this Mets this weekend. The players on the eliminated team should be so jealous that they want to do anything they can to drag others to their playoff-less fate. They should not be walking two batters and hitting one with a pitch in the bottom of the ninth. It's bad baseball.
But in this scenario, I salute both teams, because Cleveland clinching a berth mathematically eliminated the dreaded Houston Astros from the playoffs. And that to me, is a beautiful gift from Heaven.
I am sick to death of seeing the Houston Astros in the playoffs. I do not care that seven years have passed since they banged on a trash can to illegally communicate with batters and cheat to win baseball games, or that six years have passed since they were found out. One of the many great tragedies to me of the COVID-19 pandemic is that the Astros were confirmed as cheaters during a season when there were no fans in the stands to boo them at every single stop and during every at-bat. Their punishment, as handed down by Major League Baseball, was in my opinion insufficient and baby shit. I wrote in 2021 that I would like to forgive the Astros one day because I do think the failure of punishment rests with MLB. But guess what? I haven't! I still hate them! I want nothing but ill for them. My grudge will never die! Especially since they then very rudely beat my team in the World Series in 2022. Where is the justice???
I, too, would have let a fastball "slip" and hit a Cleveland Guardian in a very innocuous place like the back of a forearm in order to eliminate the Houston Astros from playoff contention! Get them outta here!
Even the damn Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim understand this. They contributed to this victory in which we are all united—eliminating the Houston Astros—by beating them on Friday. When I saw videos of a man at the Angels game on Friday who had somehow carried a trashcan from the concourse down to his seats, placed it on the top of the dugout, and was smacking it with his arm, I laughed and laughed. What a king! Thank you for your service, sir! The Angels historically have been one of my greatest allies in this aim of never ever letting this grudge against the Astros go, and I thank them for it.
Everyone else is trying to forget about the cheating, but not me! "The Astros’ eight-year streak of postseason appearances ended during their 161st game of the 2025 season, with the Guardians locking up the final postseason spot in the American League," Brian McTaggart wrote on MLB.com about Houston's elimination from the playoffs this year. AND WHAT DID THAT EIGHT-YEAR STREAK INCLUDE? How exactly did they achieve that dominance? The article doesn't say. There is no mention of the cheating, of the trashcans, of the MLB investigation that confirmed all of this.
Look at this other mealy-mouthed paragraph from that article:
"It was a remarkable run of perseverance and excellence, with no shortage of thrilling moments and champagne celebrations. It was a stretch of dominance Astros fans might not see again in their lifetimes, spanning three managers and general managers."
HAHAHAHH! OK! Personally, I don't consider cheating perseverance and excellence, but sure. In fact, I hope neither Astros fans nor any others ever see a stretch of dominance based off decisions to actively cheat again! In my opinion, cheating-based stretches of dominance are bad for baseball! Thank god, I will not have to spend another October listening to reporters and announcers congratulate the Houston Astros for all their accomplishments without ever mentioning that those accomplishments were built upon a foundation of evil.
I would like to personally thank the Los Angeles Angels (lol) and the Cleveland Guardians and the Texas Rangers (I guess) for their help in this important matter. Even though getting hit by a pitch is an unbelievably stupid way to clinch a playoff berth, I must salute it because it has vanquished my enemy.
