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Here They Are, The Four Saddest Words In The English Language: Sam Darnold Revenge Game

MIAMI, FLORIDA - JANUARY 30: Sam Darnold attends Twitch Rivals: Streamer Bowl After Party at Verizon 5G Stadium at Super Bowl LIVE on January 30, 2020 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images for Verizon)
Theo Wargo/Getty Images for Verizon

Just about every major sport is being played right now or will tip off this week, with two of them even heading into their playoffs. It is a veritable buffet of sport for you to stuff down your insatiable maw. Which means it’s time for the NFL to barge into the room and scream at the top of its lungs, “LOOK AT ME.” Yes, it’s NFL schedule release day, the most perverted non-event on the sports calendar, and you will absolutely be unable to avoid it no matter how hard you try.

It can’t be reemphasized enough how weird this is. We already know who is playing who, and have for months, because in football that’s determined by record. But the NFL demands an entire goddamned day to announcing who is playing who in what order, despite the fact that you will immediately forget that order until the actual games roll around in four months. (People have already been crafting “mock schedules,” the penalty for which should be jail for one thousand years.) The full, official schedules for every team will be formally released later today at I Don’t Feel Like Looking It Up o’clock, but that’s not enough for the league, oh no. The entire day is going to be consumed by a series of leaks of individual games, a deluge by drip. For normal people, it’s just a whole lot of noise, a whole lot of tweets getting in the way of what we really want to see on our timelines, which is capybaras chilling with other animals. For those of you who are on the edge of seat to find out who, say, the Lions are playing in Week 13, hey, that’s great, good for you, you’re probably a danger to yourself and others, but I’m glad you’re excited.

But the most truly deranged among you, the New York Post is here to feed your madness. In an exclusive—must credit the Post!—the Jets’ Week 1 opponent is revealed as the Carolina Panthers and described with four words you never, ever want to see:

“Sam Darnold revenge game”? Sam Darnold revenge game. Move the fuck over, Hemingway.

Thanks, Burke!