Notably rose-hued horse trainer Bob Baffert's prize pony, Medina Spirit, won the Kentucky Derby this past weekend, and then followed up the famous victory by immediately pissing hot for over twice the legally allowed amount of a corticosteroid. If a second sample confirms the positive test, Medina Spirit may soon have his win overturned and might have to watch the Preakness from the stables. Luckily, he has one of the most experienced defenders of doped horses in the history of the sport on his side. Baffert's initial defense echoed a certain Florida hotel resident on Sunday, and this week, he expanded his ass-covering campaign.
Here is the question at hand: Is Medina Spirit's potential exile from the Pimlico Race Course—which Baffert's legal team has threatened with a temporary restraining order if they keep his horse away—the obvious consequence of his questionable biochemistry? No, you fool, it's cancel culture. Baffert went on Fox News on Monday morning, declaring both man and beast innocent. Of the persecution of beautiful Medina Spirit, Baffert said, "It was like a cancel culture kind of a thing."
As clearly valid as this explanation is, Baffert maintains that he and his team never treated their proud horse with betamethasone. And yes, the woke mobs are clearly out to besmirch the reputations of both Baffert and Medina Spirit, but even those of use who can see through such virtue-signaling must admit that no amount of SJWs could have willed steroids into a horse. Thankfully, Baffert has a way to square this issue as well, which is that someone pissed on some hay and then the horse ate the hay. Duh.
This line of defense is not a new one for Baffert, who has had 31 of his horses flagged for medical violations over the course of his long career. Last May, two Baffert horses—Gamine and Charlatan—tested positive for lidocaine, a powerful numbing agent often used in horse surgeries. Baffert and his attorney claimed that an employee recovering from pelvis surgery accidentally contaminated the horses when he brought them in contact with a pain patch. "It is believed that lidocaine from that patch was innocently transferred from the employee’s hands to the horses through the application of tongue ties by the employee that was handling both horses leading up to May 2," a statement read. Baffert's most famous colt, 2018 Triple Crown winner Justify, tested positive for Scopolamine after winning the Santa Anita Derby in April 2018. The California Horse Racing Board never reported it, and the result was reported by the New York Times over a year later. Baffert's explanation in that case was that Justify ate a bunch of Jimson weed when he was hanging out in California before the race. What an unlucky guy!