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You Thought You’d Seen The Last Of Carson Wentz. You Were Tragically Mistaken

Carson Wentz grinning weirdly on the field before a Washington Commanders game in 2022.
Dylan Buell/Getty Images

When we last saw professional North Dakotan Carson Wentz, he was putting the Washington Commanders on his freckled back and carrying them directly into the septic tank. The Comms released Wentz in February, after which he languished on the market for nine months. Given that Wentz had run himself out of not one but three organizations that had traded far too many assets to acquire him, you would’ve been right to think that he was now out of the league for good. No more brutal picks. No more stupid hats. You and I and the rest of football were free from Wentz for the rest of our lives. FREE, I tell you.

But wait a minute. What’s that, you say? Rams QB Matthew Stafford is hurt for the 907th time? And rookie Stetson Bennett has been ghosted by the team, and possibly assigned to Malibu? And Los Angeles also just cut both Brett Rypien and practice squad QB/Whit Stillman movie character Dresser Winn? And then they lost out on bringing in the immortal John Wolford to work as their temp starter? Well shit, that means… oh no… OH GOD.

The news that your team has acquired Carson Wentz is bad enough. The accompanying photo only makes that hex everlasting. ENHANCE!

"There's gold in them thar hills, I tell ya! GOOOOOOLD!!!"

NO! NO! HOW COULD YOU, SEAN MCVAY?! YOU HAVE A WIFE AND CHILDREN NOW! How could you sign this man, let alone disseminate photographs of him looking like Jim Halpert after two rocky divorces? You. Fucking. Bastard.

Anyway, the Rams are on a bye this week, which will give Wentz time to learn the playbook and decide what parts of it to ignore first. Savor this last moment of peace, because your nightmares will get a refueling soon thereafter.

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