Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2024 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: San Francisco 49ers. And if you’ll indulge for just a moment, may I say… YOINK!
Your 2023 record: 12-5. NFC champs. Again. Super Bowl entrants. Again. Took a 10-point lead on Patrick Mahomes in the Super Bowl. Again. Blew that lead. Again. Again and again and again and again and again. This team was once a dynasty, now it’s a treadmill. The details change from year to year, but the end is always the same.
As for the 2023 details: These Niners spent the bulk of the regular season beating up on a parade of nobodies, some obvious (the Giants) and some eager to reveal themselves (Eagles, Cowboys). They suffered a uncharacteristic three-game losing streak in October to Cleveland, Minnesota, and Cincinnati. Their Hall of Fame LT was hobbled for that Browns game and then inactive for the subsequent two, highlighting how fragile this supposed juggernaut really is.
But that tackle healed up, enough for San Francisco to win all but one meaningful game on the back half of the slate, and then to stage comeback victories against Green Bay and Detroit to win the NFC. They rolled into the Super Bowl as slight favorites over Kansas City, took their usual double-digit lead, and then…
The game ended right there. Yes there was still drama on the back end, with the Niners taking the lead within the final two minutes, only for Mahomes & Co. to tie it right back up at the gun. San Francisco even got the ball first in overtime, mostly because they failed to remember that the NFL changed the playoff overtime format in 2022:
Multiple San Francisco players said after the game that they were not aware that the overtime rules are different in the playoffs than they are in the regular season, and strategy discussions over how to handle the overtime period did not occur as a team. Defensive lineman Arik Armstead said he learned the details of the postseason rule when it was shown on the Allegiant Stadium jumbotron during a TV timeout after regulation.
But these Niners were good enough, in theory, to overcome that brainfart. In fact, they drove all the way to the Kansas City 9-yard line on their opening possession of the extra period. That drive stalled out and ended in a field goal. Everyone knew what would happen next, and so it did:
For good measure, your best LB snapped his Achilles in that game while jogging out onto the field. It’s almost as if God doesn’t like you, 49ers. I wonder why that might be…
Your coach: Ah yes. Him.
That’s Kyle Shanahan, seen here doing his best impression of a man too old to be on TikTok. There is no Super Bowl lead that this man cannot relinquish, and yet he still reigns as not merely the best head coach in the NFC, but also the most influential one. The NFC really needs higher standards. Oh, and the man is a BRUTAL shadow GM. He still hasn't been punished nearly enough for drafting Trey Lance, who became the James Wiseman of football. He just extended RB Christian McCaffrey at the exact wrong age (28) to give a back any job, let alone a highly paid one. And he pulled a Scott Pioli by installing cameras all over team headquarters, so that he can watch everyone in the building and, more important, so that they know they’re being watched. From our old friend Kalyn Kahler:
Kyle has taken a lot from his dad’s career and applied it to his own, including watching over his players and coaches from a perch high atop the organization… In 2020, COVID protocols forced teams to update their video technology and make every meeting virtually accessible. When players and coaches were allowed to meet in person again, Kyle kept using the Zoom feature. Now, he can speak in a meeting room from his own office simply by unmuting himself. If he’s not physically in the room, he can be listening in — and he pays close attention to the quarterbacks.
Not creepy at all. I sure know that I like to work in a place where my boss is always watching me, potentially even if I’m jerking off in the handicapped stall. Bill Belichick ran his little fiefdom in New England similarly. The difference there is that Belichick won things. Kyle hasn’t.
Of course, it’s not Kyle’s fault the Niners have turned into the definitive chokers of the 21st century, with seven NFC title game appearances in the past 13 years and zero titles to show for it. All of those high-profile fuckups were someone else’s fault. Super Bowl 47? Hey man, Kyle wasn’t even the coach then. 54? Kyle needed a REAL QB for that game, not Jimmy Pizza Boy Garoppolo. And this last Super Bowl? That one you can blame on a defense that was really good until they absolutely, positively needed to be. You can’t pin that on Kyle either. He’s the QB guy. That was all defensive coordinator Steve Wilks’s fault, for getting a little too reckless with his playcalls.
That means Wilks, who by some awful twist of fate has become a perennially useful scapegoat for the white men failing above him, is now gone. Your new DC is Nick Sorensen, and your new assistant head coach is this world-renowned success story:
Yep, it's Brandon Staley. You guys are fucked.
Your quarterback: Brock Purdy, who will remain one of the greatest underdog stories in NFL history right up until the moment San Francisco pays him. Purdy became an MVP candidate last season, which is the type of thing that makes you lose a bit of respect for the NFL in general. Nevertheless, Purdy is extremely good at his job, which is to execute Shanny’s offense the way that Shanny explicitly wants it executed: with short throws to open windows, so that the skill players can pile up infinite YAC. I don’t like the term “system quarterback” (no one does), but there’s bountiful evidence that Purdy’s greatest skill is taking what his coach gives him, with this stat serving as Exhibit A:
No, neither the comeback against the Packers nor the one against Lions broke this streak. Knock these guys down, and they don’t get back up.
Behind Purdy are Brandon Allen and Passtronaut Josh Dobbs. Keep those names in mind as we go into the regular season, because Purdy is small and because Shanny has a fetish for getting his own players hurt. He started Purdy in a preseason game this year with a backup O-line, so that the Saints' first-team defense could tee off on him. He got Purdy destroyed in the 2022 NFC title game by having a backup TE block his blindside. And he ran Trey Lance on a QB power, only for Lance’s ankle to break apart like a Kit Kat. Iron breaking iron.
What’s new that sucks: Perhaps worried they’d have to overpay their wideout room, the Niners grabbed Ricky Pearsall in the first round of the draft, only for Pearsall to get shot in a robbery attempt this past weekend. When DE Nick Bosa learned that downtown San Francisco was the scene of that crime, he texted Told you so to everyone he knows.
Meanwhile, cap hell awaits. The Niners extended both CMC, LT Trent Williams, and WR Brandon Aiyuk recently, but they’ll still have to extend (or sever ties with) foundational pieces like LB Dre Greenlaw, CB Charvarius Ward, WR Deebo Samuel, TE George Kittle, and Purdy down the line. The roster is already bleeding, with DT Arik Armstead, S Tashaun Gipson, rental EDGE Chase Young, and DT Javon Kinlaw all bolting in the offseason. Those losses were survivable, given that San Francisco brought in a grab bag of free agents—DT Maliek Collins foremost among them—to keep the front seven big and mean. But you can hear the clock ticking, and it’s only fair to wonder if the Niners should’ve won it all sometime before 11:58.
The O-line is ranked 24th by PFF metrics, and that’s after Williams reports back to the team. I see reason to panic.
What has always sucked: The Niners have played in their All-Clad pan of a stadium for a tidy decade now, and you should go ahead and cleave this franchise’s history in two from that moment. The San Francisco 49ers played in a windswept ashtray and won Super Bowls like they were nothing at all. The Santa Clara 49ers are a political concern (the team packed a legion of sycophants into city hall so that it can hoover up local funds with impunity) that, as a side gig, doubles as Marv Levy’s Bills without the tragic aspects. Every time they have greatness in their hands, it gets YOINKED away. They win nothing because they deserve nothing.
And if you’re a younger fan of this team, you too deserve nothing. I’m sorry you never got to watch Joe Montana, or Jerry Rice, or Steve Young, or Terrell Owens before he became Football Patrick Beverley. But that’s not on us, crybaby. That’s on your power-mad coach, your spiritual Gruden of a GM, and your shrunken head of an owner. They sold you on a team that has long since expired. You should’ve read the fine print, but you didn’t. Tough shit, fuckaroos. Enjoy watching Brock Purdy get paid $75M AAV to be the second coming of Matt Cassel.
What might not suck: They’re the Super Bowl favorites according to the FTN almanac. Then again, what year aren’t they?
HEAR IT FROM NINERS FANS!
Michael:
How the fuck do you not know the overtime rules for the Super Bowl?
Gordon:
I miss Jim Tomsula. He's in a better place (Germany).
John:
Nothing we can do at this point except tip our hat and call Mahomes our daddy.
Matt:
Foregoing the Shanahan Experience™ is adding years back to my liver.
Tim:
The fucking nerve of this team to be this talented and to choke so extensively.
Dave:
TSA Clear, skip-the-line passes at amusement parks and ski resorts, not paying taxes, and the San Francisco 49ers: all things that give the wealthy yet one more opportunity to look down at the rest of us.
Colin:
The 2020s Niners are shaping up to be the 1990s Bills, and frankly Northern California deserves it.
Pascal:
Our offensive line consists of 36-year-old Trent Williams and four guys who are afraid to touch other people.
I haven't seen someone this into choking since Sasha Grey retired.
Kyle (not Shanahan):
Coming out of the 2 minute warning, 3rd and 5, with a game tied at 16-all. I was pleading with our head coach to do anything except call a straight forward quick pass. Instead, what happens? The most obvious all-slants pass pattern ever, a pass breakup, the clock stops, and Mahomes is given way too much time to do his Mahomes things.
Steve:
Steve Wilks has the situational awareness of a fucking cicada. What makes the loss even worse is that the winning touchdown went to a guy the Chiefs got off the ROSS clearance rack, and the play was probably named after some deli meat Andy Reid shoves into his fat face twice a week.
Katie:
Look, I get it. People are going to want to punch me in the face for complaining about this team. I understand. I want to punch me in the face, too! But hooooly fuck, could we just... finish for once? NOT somehow step on a rake in the last strides of the race? COME ON. I DON'T EVEN HAVE BALLS BUT THEY ARE MORE BLUE THAN THAT STUPID AUSTRALIAN DOG.
Patrick:
I have no recollection of specific plays from the Super Bowl. All I can picture is Taylor Swift celebrating in her suite. It haunts me, like I’m Rambo having a Vietnam flashback.
Nick:
There is nothing more depressing than Kyle Shanahan calling a timeout ***IN OVERTIME OF THE SUPER BOWL*** to stop Steve Wilks from running a prevent defense against Patrck Mahomes, all while Trent Williams was successfully predicting Andy Reid's plays from the bench.
George Kittle was too busy telling jokes during the biggest game of his life to recover a fumble.
Fuck Trent Baalke forever.
Christian:
The 49ers will go 12-5 in 2024 and lose the Super Bowl because nobody bothered to call holding on the Chiefs while Nick Bosa’s head is chopped off at the neck by some shitty-assed, 94th-ranked PFF guard. Jettison Mahomes and the Super Bowl officiating crews into the fiery depths of the sun.
Cindy:
If the 49ers stay with Purdy, I'm sure the team will make it to the playoffs for several more seasons. But I don't think this team is actually winning any Super Bowls.
RR:
We've lived in San Francisco for decades. We have an old home with some windows from the 1930s that were cracked and wouldn’t open, so we recently decided to replace them. By city ordinance, we had to get custom wooden windows. Then they found “dry rot” near the windows which had to be repaired. So we spent literally the equivalent of a down payment for a brand new home for no change at all in our living conditions. We mortgaged our future for the same 1930’s floorplan, the same old bathrooms and kitchen, and the same old janky electrical outlets. It feels nice to have some structural integrity, but what we were really left with after spending that ungodly sum of money are some windows that can open and a new coat of paint.
Not unlike the 49ers. It’s really all just window dressing.
Bob:
Many seasons of WYTS ago, a rather savvy Seahawks fan wrote in to say “I won’t trust Pete Carroll until I see him holding the Lombardi Trophy.” Substitute “Kyle Shanahan” and you’ll have a keen understanding of 49ers fans.
Jeremy:
Levi's Stadium is the perfect home for a Kyle Shanahan outfit. Overpriced, humorless, more debilitating than the surface of the sun, completely lacking in joy, and ready to bleed every last ounce of hope from you, while simultaneously draining your wallet. If there indeed are dignity wraiths, the 49ers are mine. I hate this fucking team almost as much as I hate myself for loving them.
I wanted to believe during the Super Bowl. I really did. I wanted to think our defense was good enough to give us a chance against Mahomes. But I was lying to myself. I knew we had no shot. The defensive coordinator was shit all year and had the whole unit out of sync, and so we were going to rely on Purdy to outdo Mahomes? After Shanahan apparently didn't teach his team the overtime rules? I am convinced Shanahan is 90% responsible for the rehabilitation of Andy Reid's reputation.
Deebo Samuel can't stay healthy. George Kittle does ads for Chubbies.
I am excited though for us to finally get an answer to the question of whether Brock Purdy is actually any good or just benefiting from having all-pros around him (I say he's not, but don't listen to me because I once got into an intense argument with a drunk fan at Candlestick about the merits of Gio Carmazzi).
Fuck Vernon Davis. Fuck me for eyeing that Brock Purdy jersey on Fanatics.
Bruiser:
Fuck Jed York with a MUNI-decommissioned Candlestick Express articulated bus.
Submissions for the NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Kansas City Chiefs.
