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Why Your Team Sucks

Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Seattle Seahawks

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON - AUGUST 21: Head coach Pete Carroll of the Seattle Seahawks reacts in the first quarter during an NFL preseason game against the Denver Broncos at Lumen Field on August 21, 2021 in Seattle, Washington. The Denver Broncos beat the Seattle Seahawks 30-3. (Photo by Steph Chambers/Getty Images)
Steph Chambers/Getty Images

Some people are fans of the Seattle Seahawks. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Seattle Seahawks. This 2021 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Seattle Seahawks.

Your 2020 record: 12-4, featuring a 5-0 start and a front nine where Russell Wilson’s long-deserved MVP award seemed like a lock. And then he and his little team went to absolute shit.

Let’s get into the finer details. Seattle lost its first game when Arizona’s Zane Gonzalez shanked a late field goal, all but handing the Seahawks a victory … until Wilson handed the ball right back to the Cardinals seven plays later and allowed Gonzalez to redeem himself. They lost to Colt McCoy. They let Josh Allen hang 400 yards on them despite allowing only 34 yards on the ground. And then, in a final insult, they were beaten senseless by the Rams at home in the wild card round. REMINDER: This was a game after Jared Goff had been benched for the immortal John Wolford. Goff came into that game, beat Seattle, and was promptly sold off to a Detroit glue factory after the fact. I’ve seen the Baltimore Orioles go out with less of a whimper. Fucking pathetic.

Given all that, the Seahawks would have been fools to run it all back all over again. Their lone Super Bowl win with this diminishing core was seven years ago. Their much-ballyhooed secondary turned to ash just a few years after that title. The most beloved player in franchise history re-re-re-retired in 2019 and every fan here is still in denial about it. They’re not gonna play the Definition of Insanity card yet again, are they?

Reader … they are.

Your coach: Still Pete Carroll. Every year, I can count on there being a “Pete Carroll Defends Decision To Blindfold His Own Kicker”–type headline in the aftermath of some eminently preventable loss. The good news for 2021 is that Seattle fans is that they won’t have former offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer to blame for any of Carroll’s shortcomings anymore. Your new OC is former Rams passing game coordinator Shane Waldron. That’s right: In 2021, the Seahawks are still buying into the idea that anyone with visible baby fat who fetches an iced tea for Sean McVay is some kind of playbook wizard.

Here’s what’ll change about the Seattle offense in 2021: nothing. It’ll still be Russell Wilson running for his life, while his team gives up on the run late in games for no logical reason. Pete Carroll will retire 10 years from now without winning another Super Bowl and will go down as a thinner, more personable Mike McCarthy.

Do they have a Guy on the coaching staff? Austin Davis, whom the Seahawks infamously signed over Colin Kaepernick to be their backup a few years ago, is now the QB coach. I find this disgusting. Larry Izzo is also here.

Your quarterback: Russell Wilson, who lobbied for a trade out of Seattle in the most Russell Wilson possible way. “Prithee, I do so much enjoy playing for Seattle. But if I WERE to be included as recompense to another team in a large-scale transaction, I do have some preferences for which teams of whom I might be desirous in said circumstances, if I may be so bold [kisses the hand of a lady he doesn’t know for some reason].” This man’s teammates hate his fucking guts.

By the way, Wilson’s decline in the second half of last season was no fluke. You can’t expect the poor bastard to spend 16 full games getting himself out of jams and expect him to hold up. And they just tacked on a 17th game, so I fully expect Wilson to cough up his own pelvis by Halloween.

Your backup is Geno Smith.

What’s new that sucks: Another Rams castoff is here in the form of tight end Gerald Everett, who has “His blocking means so much to us!” written all over him. Both Shaqs Griffin are gone, as is CB Quinton Dunbar, leaving poor Bobby Wagner to carry this defense the same way Wilson has to carry the offense. The Seahawks were also the 67th NFL team to try to make an Aldon Smith comeback happen. It’s not happening.

As for the offensive line, the Seahawks imported Gabe Jackson from Vegas right in time to watch his career go into swift decline. They shifted second-year man Damien Lewis over to center in an attempt to ruin him. And they still haven’t inked Duane Brown to a contract extension, leaving their cornerstone left tackle extremely pissed. Given all that, we’re in for yet another season where this team wins 10 games and Kevin Clark retweets himself going THIS TEAM’S GAMES ARE ALWAYS CRAZY! anytime Wilson scrambles for five yards.

Chad Wheeler turned out to be true scum.

What has always sucked: And now for something completely different: PENGUIN SKULLS.

PICTURED: The most dangerous nootropic.

You may remember that former owner Paul Allen died three years ago, leaving his sister Jody as chairwoman of the Seahawks for the time being. What you may NOT remember is that, back in 2013, members of the siblings’ security detail settled with them out of court for charges of sexual harassment and smuggling. What kind of smuggling? I’m glad you asked. From Levi Pulkkinen of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

Former members of the security detail – chiefly veterans of elite military units or longtime security specialists – have said in sworn depositions that Vulcan CEO Jody Allen sexually harassed bodyguards while also directing them to smuggle animal bones out of Africa and Antarctica.

Come again?

At least two former employees said they heard Jody Allen had smuggled ivory out of Africa in violation of U.S. and international law, though none admitted to actually seeing her do so.

OK, but I’m gonna need the U.S. Department of Agriculture records to confirm that.

U.S. Department of Agriculture records appear to confirm at least a piece of the former bodyguards’ story.

Oh. How so?

In August 2011, inspectors destroyed 72 pounds of giraffe bones belonging to Vulcan, according to a USDA report. 

What the fuck, 72 FUCKING POUNDS? What were they doing, making stock?!

OK, OK. Settle down, everyone. I’m sure there’s a totally non-sinister reason for repeatedly smuggling bulk quantities of animal bones into the United States. Let’s see what else was included in the booty:

In a memo, a security officer noted that they were able to make sure “the penguin bones that JA picked up in Antarctica were boxed and put on the plane without being scanned at customs.”

Jody Allen was also accused of forcing her bodyguards to dress up in tight swimsuits and do a little fashion show for her, presumably as they each held sacks of penguin skulls. Because when you’re that rich, you have to be this fucked in the head.

Jody Allen emailed her nanny looking for a penguin skull that went missing during the return from Antarctica; a friend apparently wanted to make jewelry from it.

CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE. Fuck hating all these other teams. From now on, all I wanna do is talk about how the Seahawks are run by the penguin skull lady, who apparently screams at the help anytime she misplaces precious pteranodon hides that she had mercenaries excavate from the wreck of the fucking Lusitania. All so the gals in her bridge club can do crafts with them. “Amy is so tired of beads. That’s why I paid hired goons to loot the Larsen C ice shelf for bones of mysterious provenance!” The best supervillains are the ones you never expected.

Smuggled penguin skulls. Fuck. I wonder where the skulls are now.

Ratto says: Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson hate each other and need each other, which makes them perfect and awful for each other. This needs to be end badly for all involved. BEST NAME TO HEAR ON TV: Aashari Crosswell.

What might not suck: The more picks that Wilson throws, the more chances I have to see DK Metcalf run down a cornerback like my son runs down a Starburst that fell on the floor. No better television.

HEAR IT FROM SEAHAWKS FANS!

Jay Willis:

I crunched the numbers, and not many people know this, but number of seasons the Seahawks have played since they blew the Malcolm Butler Super Bowl is the same as the number of Seattle cops who were in attendance at Trump’s “Stop the Steal” rally in January (six).

Brandon:

We have the best QB in the division. The Seahawks could easily finish last. 

Patrick:

Russell Wilson is my favorite player of all time and if he turns out to be a serial killer, my first thought will be, “Yeah, that figures.”

Sean:

I’m beginning to think that the lack of protection is not a front office decision, but instead a request by our quarterback due to his Christianity and subsequent aversion to prophylactics.

I would say fire this team and entire city into the sun, but that already happened for a week this past June.

Jeremy:

I can’t wait to start screaming at my TV when Pete sends out the punt team at fourth and inches at the opponent’s 40 in overtime! I can’t wait for everyone to start wondering if this is finally the year Russ gets an MVP vote until he throws four interceptions against a terrible team! (This year, I’m betting it’s against the Jaguars!) I can’t wait for them to get absolutely stomped in the playoffs against a non-contender!

Kenton:

Golden Tate fucked Russell Wilson’s wife and it’s the second funniest terrible thing to come out of this team in the short time I’ve been alive.

Kacie:

“Lumen Field”? How am I supposed to make that cute?

Jon:

The hoards of bitter yet haughty asshats who act like they midwifed Steve Largent. 

Bennett:

Pete Carroll and Neil Olshey look like cousins and it freaks me out.

Seth:

Every play the fear mounts that Russell Wilson will be pasted into crab dip.

I have no idea if my team is even good.

No lead is ever enough. Every magnificent athletic feat is countered by an apathetic three-and-out.

Matt Ufford:

Most NFL teams are mediocre. Owned by limp-brained failsons, coached by groupthink tape grinders, they rise and fall each season depending on the tides of football chance: strength of schedule, injury luck, regression to the mean. The branding varies from city to city, but the mediocrity in Carolina is not substantially different from the mediocrity in Las Vegas or Chicago. Ben McAdoo coached an 11-5 team. Blake Bortles almost won an AFC Championship Game. Each season is a lottery where the stars align for at least one collection of undeserving chowderheads, so the chowderheads keep running things or take their mediocrity to Washington or Denver. 

It takes a marrow-deep organizational culture to be consistent from year-to-year in the NFL. There are smart, good teams (Chiefs, Ravens). There are bad, dumb teams (Giants, TEXANS).

And then there are the Seahawks.

If you could hang banners for Stupidest Good Team, the post-Marshawn Seahawks would be champs six years running. Entering last season, everyone was like, “Hey, uh, so they’re just gonna not sign any pass rushers?” – an approach that gave them a historically bad defense until they traded for Carlos Dunlap, at which point they were suddenly capable of getting sacks again. On offense, the “throw deep to DK Metcalf” plan was unstoppable until defenses played two deep safeties, an impossible puzzlebox that Brian Schottenheimer couldn’t solve over the course of eight weeks.

Oh, and my favorite part of the season: The Seahawks were pacing for the top seed in the NFC, and lost it because they couldn’t beat the Giants in Seattle. The Giants started Colt McCoy, generated 100 yards of passing offense, and won. I would rather watch Super Bowl 49. Then they lost to their first-round home playoff game to the Rams because they’ve only had seven years of playing Aaron Donald at least twice a year to not come up with a plan to protect Russell Wilson. I mean, no one blocks Aaron Donald, but the Seahawks are the best at not blocking him.

I have to say the next part quietly, because I will forever be grateful for Super Bowl 48, but Pete Carroll has one Lombardi trophy and has wasted years of his future HOF quarterback’s prime by getting outcoached in the playoffs. You know who else has that résumé?

Will:

Not having fans scurry around this neighborhood last year was one nice thing about the pandemic. I took a new remote job with a lot of my coworkers based in California, and I’m so much happier to get chastised by 49ers fans saying how much I suck than have to hear my own fanbase angrily agree with me. 

Fuck Jenny Durkan for tear gassing all the protestors last year, then deleting all of her text messages to hide what she did. 

Josh:

A young couple with ground-level seats came up to our nosebleed section and remarked, “We just wanted to see what it looks like up here,” with all the barely-hidden revulsion Mitch McConnell holds for anyone making less than six figures a year. This set the mood for a pathetic 27-13 loss to a bad Cardinals team in which our top two backs got injured in the same quarter and we got to watch the athletic stylings of Travis Homer, a Kohl’s display model who had to fight a stiff breeze to stay upright.

The only interesting element happened while I was hunting down overpriced “craft beer” (a million air-quotes wouldn’t do this justice). My friend later told me the trio two rows ahead of us (granddad, dad, and daughter) were simmering with familial stress because, after the dad got into a shouting match with a group of twenty-somethings in the section and almost got ejected, he told his daughter he was still in shock from her COMING OUT on the drive to the stadium. Literally the only moment of intrigue the entire day, and I was distracted by the myth that Elysian is any better than a Coors Light.

Gabriel:

Last year was one of the worst of my life. My general existential fortitude was stress tested in ways I’m still processing. I lost touch with so many friends. Any sort of social circle or community I was a part of feels irreparably shattered by the necessity of having to quarantine ourselves. My grandmother, who was like a second mother to me, passed away, and I felt so conflicted and awful flying during the pandemic back to Washington State to be with my family.

The only source of joy was watching the Hawks play without our awful fans. There were nine, beautiful games without any fucking 12s, who are all just psycho Republicans from Bellevue (which, in my opinion is an underrated contender for the worst city in America). It was a fire that warmed me in an otherwise frigid time.

Paul:

Every time DK Metcalf or Russell Wilson screws up, you can almost hear the coal-rolling, White Claw-drinking, lifted truck-driving MAGAns from Woodinville, Auburn, Kent, and Enumclaw yelling the n-word all at once. It amazes me that you drive 15 minutes south from two of the ten most diverse zip code in America and end up in the Breitbart comment threads.

Mark:

Russ is turning into a miniature Big Ben minus the ability to complete a RB screen. We went all-in at the safety position to maximize Pete’s strategy of turning would-be explosive plays into first downs juuuuust past the sticks. Our homefield advantage was always a lie, it’s just a handful of fluke plays that all happened in the same end zone. Our best tight ends will be in the hospital by week 5. We have Russell Wilson, Tyler Lockett and DK Metcalf on our team, but I still think we should give Chris Carson 25+ carries a game.

Jon:

DK Metcalf looks like the ripped kangaroo.

Dave:

There was nothing better than watching Russell Wilson think about Airbnb choices on Lake Como while getting annihilated by the Rams defensive line in the playoffs. 

I’m really looking forward to them finishing 11-6, getting the second Wild Card spot, and then losing to Cowboys… thereby giving ESPN a full week of WOULD YOU TAKE DAK OVER BRADY while Mina Kimes dies inside on NFL Live.

Tim:

Only team in the league to not have a case of COVID last year. Whoopty-fucking-do.

This is a great club if you’re interested in paying rent-money ticket prices for a team that only plays two quarters a game.

Fuck Pete Carroll with Jody Allen’s contraband giraffe femur.

TG:

Seattle is going to trade off Russell Wilson for three first rounders and spend them all on OLBs from Texas Tech with third round grades. Worse, there’s a not-insignificant faction of Seahawks fans who will approve of the move, because Wilson had the audacity to play his way into a large contract.

This is a team that watched the Packers squander Aaron Rodgers’ entire prime and said, “Not bad, but I bet we can do it better.”

Tyler:

Nothing’s changed. Nothing will ever change. They will wheel out Pete Carroll’s head in a jar to call draw plays to Travis Homer on third-and-7, while down 10 in the fourth, to a sub-.500 team.

Offenses have had this defense’s number for years, yet he still refuses to move his best CB to cover the other team’s best receiver and will run a 4-3 defense in obvious passing situations. If you’re dumb enough to think 9-11 was an inside job, you’re dumb enough to think Ugo Amadi can cover Davante Adams on a third and the fucking season. Teams know they can shift their best receiver in the slot to burn whatever seventh round bum they have in that position this week. In a competent franchise, that Wild Card loss to the Cowboys a few years ago would have resulted in immediate termination. But this team lacks the ownership to do literally anything, so our coaching staff is left to rot from the head down.

Fuck Bill Leavy with a rusty wood file for all eternity. Tate caught the ball go fuck yourself. 

KM:

I saw this in the grocery store today.

Brian:

Because we traded two first round draft picks, a third round pick and our best defensive back for a disgruntled safety who plays dress-up as a defensive end, has no coverage ability, and missed half the season.

Because our starting quarterback hates our head coach but will never admit it publicly because his concussion-curing Jesus water brand could be tarnished.

Because we started a right tackle who not only never played offensive line before, he never even played football.

Because of the four original members of the Legion of Boom, one gave his head coach the finger on national TV before getting held at gunpoint by his wife who caught him in bed with multiple women (and his own brother), another was just arrested, and another is already in prison.

Because after being busted three times for running illegal practices, the league finally fined the team $400,000, fined our coach $200,000, and took away a draft pick. But it’s okay because, “something something always compete something.”

Because in the fourth quarter of every close game, we break every huddle with five seconds left on the play clock while our coaches argue whether our generational talent at quarterback should hand the ball off to DeeJay Dallas or Travis Homer. 

Because for we’ve had enough players busted for PEDs to make Amy Winehouse blush.

Because of Malik McDowell’s ATV, Golden Tate’s maple bar, and Percy Harvin’s complete fucking insanity.

Because our fanbase is so blind that signing Aldon Smith can be justified as a “great shot at redemption,” just two months after the fucking Chad Wheeler story broke.

Because they drafted Brian Bosworth, Rick Mirer, Aaron Curry, Koren Robinson, and Jerramy Stevens in the first round, and none of them are the biggest bust in team history.

Because Dan McGwire.

Fuck Darrell Bevell with Marshawn Lynch’s entire body.

Collin:

Fuck Steve Largent and all those who continue to wear his jersey. 

Submissions for the Defector NFL previews are closed. Next up: Pittsburgh Steelers.