The choice of Bills Week for this year's What Defector Does When It Needs To Skive Off For A Week Week had an unforeseen deficiency when it was being spitballed by the Phlegm Committee. Specifically, we are historically low on Bills.
Between 1950 and 2008, the name Bill (or more specifically William), became gradually and increasingly uncool in the United States, according to data from the Social Security Administration. Even by 1980 a kid might as well have been named Jehoshaphat, Algonquin, or Xythron The Enfeebled. Most likely, Bill is the name of your last living relative, and if it isn't, may he rest in peace. If you have a Bill in your family, cherish the old coot. Water him regularly, and keep the air in front of his easy chair free of things he can trip over. You need him mobile and independent, at least from you.
But in sports, well, forget about it. You can draft all the Ethans, Noahs, Olivers, and Jaydens you want and you'll be lucky if you hit a single Bill.
For instance:
• There are currently no Bills in Major League Baseball unless you want to count William Contreras, the Brewers catcher, and nobody calls him Bill or Billy (and no, we're not taking BaseballReference.com's preposterous nicknames list as dispositive). Billy Cook (Pirates) and Billy McKinney (Rangers and eight other teams) have 13 big league at-bats this season between them, but both are in the minors as we speak.
• There are no NBA players named Bill at all, and the last Billy—Garrett Jr.—had a four-game career for the 17-65 Knicks in 2019. There are no Bills in the G-League, which should come as equally little surprise.
• There is only one pure Bill in MLS, and this in a sport in which half the players make up their own names. Put another way, there are exactly as many Bills as Shows. The only Bill is Bill Tuiloma of Charlotte via New Zealand (two goals in three matches this year, at the very Bill age of 30), and New Zealand is not beholden to American name trends.
• No league has more players than the NFL, yet there is but one currently contracted NFL player named Bill. That would be guard Bill Murray with the Bears. At least he is contracted as of today; he played three games last year, and one in 2022 with the Patriots. To his credit, Bill is committed to the bit he didn't even know was one, as he played his college ball at, yes, William and Mary. As for the 12 Wills in the NFL, the two Williams, the Willie, and the Willington, they don't count for purposes of this screed. Be Bill or be gone.
• The NHL is Bill-free. It has seven Williams, but three (Nylander of Toronto, Eklund of San Jose, and Karlsson of Vegas) are Swedish, and a fourth (Carrier) was born in Quebec. The three Anglo Williams (Borgen and Cuylle, Rangers; and Smith, Sharks) all shortened to Will presumably because none of them want to be confused for heavily mustachioed scouts who have been driving the highways of Saskatchewan in mid-February since 1973.
• In the ATP rankings, there is one Will (Mayew), two Billys (Harris, Suarez), a smattering of Williams and Guillermos, and zero Bills. That is out of 2,164 ranked players, so the point is further proven.
• There is only one PGA Tour golfer, Billy Horschel, and he has 12 wins on three different tours including top 10s at the U.S. and British Opens, and the PGA. He's made nearly $42 million over his career, so he might be Best Bill.
• The Tour de France has 184 riders, or at least it did when it started, and only one approached the Bill standard—Will Barta of Movistar, who at this writing is ranked 154th. There are also two Guillaumes, but there are always at least two Guillaumes in France's Super Bowl, so that is neither special nor fully Bill-able.
• Formula 1 has an entire team, Williams. What it does not have is a Team Bill.
• You would think that the management and executive classes would bring us more Bills just by virtue of advanced age and fudd-ist tendencies, but then you would again be wrong. There is only one coach (out of 194 North American pro teams either existing or being formed) named Bill, and that is Billy Donovan with the Chicago Bulls, but if the Bulls start slowly this coming season … well, you know how that goes.
• Even from the bygone era of Bill domination, people over the age of 50, only three Bills are team owners—Foley (Vegas Golden Knights), McGuire (Minnesota United), and within the last month, Haslam (Nashville Predators). That's out of 150 ownership groups, give or take the odd minority partner. Ownership should be the wheelhouse for Bills, since many of them are in fact bill-ionaires, and yet we get next to nothing.
• College? Two Division I football coaches (O'Brien and Belichick, whoever that is), one in Division II, and three in Division III, plus four Billys. In basketball, there are two on the men's side (Self at Kansas and Coen at Northeastern), two on the women's side (Fennelly at Iowa State and Brock at Tarleton State) plus a Billi (Chambers at Xavier). That's 10 out of an even 900, and if you look at the 360-odd athletic directors, some of whom must surely be old enough to be Bill, there are only five.
Look, if we had to do the research on all this, you will damned well sit there and endure it.
There is some hope on the Bill horizon, as it turns out. The name William is making a comeback, if you believe those vampires at Social Security, and surely some of those Williams will become Bills in time. We're not sure why the name is back in favor, and if you know, keep it to yourselves. Besides, Gen Alpha does not yet represent our paying readership, so screw 'em.
It will, however, be some time before any of them start making an actual name for themselves to go with the one their parents foisted upon them. Thus, we probably should have waited at least another decade for this particular theme week; our preferred choice was Eye-Pecking Condor Week, but it did not garner nearly as much support as your typist might have thought. Anyway, happy Bills Week, and don’t forget the most important bill of all: your subscription renewal.
