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Last week was about orifices; now it’s time for the dangly bits. Here’s how America mangled, flayed, pummeled, insulted, thrashed, trounced, and otherwise destroyed its franks and/or beans.

All descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

  • PUT PADLOCK ON PENIS WITH NO KEY AND UNABLE TO REMOVE IT. LOCK REMOVED BY LOCKSMITH.
  • WAS IN A BALL PIT WHEN HIS BROTHER JUMPED IN AND LANDED ON TOP OF HIS PENIS
  • WAS MOVING CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS AND FELL DOWN A FLIGHT OF TEN STEPS STRADDLING THE POST OF THE BANNISTER
  • CLASSMATE PUT A ZIP TIE AROUND THE BASE OF HIS PENIS
  • PUT A SHOWER CURTAIN RING ON HIS PENIS AND NOW CANT GET IT OFF
  • STATES HE HAS BEEN MASTURBATING AT LEAST DAILY DURING COVID PANDEMIC BC THIS IS THE ONLY WAY HE IS ABLE TO RELIEVE STRESS STATES HE USED A HAND JOB SEX TOY AND HAS SINCE BEEN HAVING PENILE PAIN AS WELL AS INTERMITTENT DULL ACHE IN TESTICLES
  • BOTTLE OF HAND SANITIZER IN HIS PANTS POCKET BURST AND GOT ONTO PENIS THEN DROPPED LIT CIGARETTE ON PENIS WHILE SITTING ON TOILET
  • TRIED TO CUT PENIS OFF WITH TRAUMA SHEARS IN HIS SLEEP
  • DRILLING WOOD WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED THE DRILL ONTO HIS GROIN
  • HAD INTERCOURSE WITH WIFE HAD RUBBER BAND ON BASE OF PENIS TOOK OFF TO ORGASM AND NOTICED BRUISING THEN WENT SNOWMOBILING
  • WASHED HIS GENITALS WITH INDUSTRIAL LAUNDRY DETERGENT
  • WAS MOVING THINGS AROUND HIS LIVING ROOM WHEN HE FELL, KNOCKING A GLASS VASE ON THE GROUND WHICH SHATTERED, THEN FELL ONTO THE SHARDS SUSTAINING LACERATIONS TO PENIS
  • WAS RIDING A ROLLER COASTER ON VACATION AND THE SAFETY BAR WAS NOT LOCKED COMPLETELY, HE MOVED AROUND DURING THE RIDE AND HIT HIS TESTICLES MULTIPLE TIMES.
  • CRASHED BIKE, BIKE IS MISSING THE SEAT AND HAS ONLY THE METAL BAR, FELL ONTO THE METAL BAR DURING CRASH; DX CONTUSION PENIS
  • USING MEASURING TAPE AND PENIS WAS CAUGHT BY TAPE
  • WAS BOILING HOT WATER AND ACCIDENTALLY STEPPED ON HIS DOG’S FOOT AND THE DOG YELPED AND STARTLED HIM CAUSING HIM TO TIP THE WATER OVER. BURN TO PENIS 
  • SWUNG HIS HEAVY BACKPACK FROM HIS SHOULDER AND IT HIT HIS TESTICLES 
  • PLAYING WITH A PLASTIC FIRE TRUCK AND GOT PENIS CAUGHT IN THE LADDER
  • WAS NAKED GETTING ITEMS OUT OF HIS CLOSET AND A GLASS FIGURINE FELL ONTO HIS TESTICLES
  • PENIS HAS BEEN STUCK IN HARD PLASTIC BOTTLE WITH NARROW OPENING FOR PAST 3 DAYS. DOES NOT RECALL HOW HE GOT HIS PENIS STUCK IN BOTTLE. 
  • PENIS PAIN DUE TO PLACING CAR JUMPER CABLES ON PENIS
  • WAS HELPING HIS FRIEND MOVE SOME STUFF IN THE DARK SO HAD TO USE FLASHLIGHTS. WHEN ONE OF THE FLASHLIGHTS WOULD NOT GO OUT, HE TRIED TO TAKE THE BATTERY OUT WHEN BATTERY ACID GOT ON HIS PENIS. 
  • CARRIES A CARTRIDGE OF PEPPER SPRAY ON HIS KEYRING AND IT OPENED UP WHILE IT WAS IN HIS PANTS POCKET AND IT GOT ONTO SCROTUM AND PENIS
  • PUT A RUBBER BAND AROUND HIS PENIS DURING SEX AND FORGOT TO TAKE IT OFF AND WENT TO SLEEP WITH IT ON
  • WHILE PLAYING BASKETBALL HE HIT HIS OWN TESTICLES
  • WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM WITH HIS HOVERBOARD UNDERNEATH HIM WHEN THE HOVERBOARD STARTED AND DRAGGED HIM ON THE FLOOR ON HIS BELLY.  NOW WITH BLOOD COMING OUT OF THE BASE OF HIS PENIS, AS WELL AS BLOOD COMING OUT OF THE TOP OF HIS PENIS. 

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