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Science

Truck Ugly

The Telsa Cybertruck is on display at the recently reopened Petersen Automotive Museum in Los Angeles, California, July 1, 2020. - California Governor Gavin Newsom announced July 1, 2020 that the state would be shutting down indoor operations for restaurants, zoos, museums and several other sectors effective immediately due to concerns over the recent spike in COVID-19 cases. (Photo by Robyn Beck / AFP) (Photo by ROBYN BECK/AFP via Getty Images)
Robyn Beck/AFP via Getty Images

Get a load of this goofy piece of shit.

That’s the Tesla car company’s “Cybertruck,” an all-electric light-duty truck expected to go into production later this year. Either that or it’s the VHS cassette rewinder I bought for a nickel at a yard sale during Bill Clinton’s first term. I absolutely wore this truck’s ass out in Virtua Fighter at Springfield Mall in 1993. I don’t know whether to dive out of this thing’s way or wait for it to print the receipt for my smoothie.

Nice tires, idiot! It’s nice to know your truck will still be able to drive even if it’s tipped over onto its side. Does it come with Michael Ironside already installed or do you have to pay extra? Does the owner’s manual for this wedge of crap explain what to do in the event that Johnny 5 shows up and accuses you of organ theft?

This shit looks like somebody dared Megatron to transform into a rollerblade without telling him what a rollerblade is first. The only thing “cyber” about it is that like the term “cyber” it would have been very exciting to a 12-year-old boy 20 years ago. I saw this thing in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog last November, extruding a sheet of lasagna dough from its front fascia. It looks weird and uncanny just sitting on the road like that, without Gordon Gekko holding it up to his ear and talking into it.

For a $40,000 base price, this piece of shit had better at least come bundled with Hydrosub: 2021 and a second controller, or it is a total fucking ripoff.