As an ass-appreciator, certain sports carry more intrigue than others. The benefit of baseball is the pants, which are tight and stretchy. The benefit of football is that sometimes they are pushing each other's tushes. The benefits of soccer and basketball are currently unknown to me, but I am willing to learn. But of all the sports, it is hockey which rewards the ass appreciator the most.
Hockey players are known to be unbelievably jacked in their lower body. Their quads are huge! Their hamstrings are made of steel! Their calves are as big as my thigh! The effort of pushing yourself around on skates for your entire life is a perfect formula for building a beautiful, ginormous butt. One of my favorite hockey articles of all time is an ESPN The Magazine story where Emily Kaplan interviewed a bunch of NHL players about how hard it is for them to buy jeans. Which is why I was stunned, horrified even, to see my king the menswear critic Derek Guy calling this butt a "prominent seat."
Derek, please! I love your work! But where is the "prominent seat?" Is it in the room with us? Because what I am seeing here is a man who simply has an ass. This is an economy seat at best! That is not the same as a beautiful bubble butt honed by years of zooming around on the ice. Skater squats are no joke!
This thread is in response to an ad for a company called "The Hockey Butt," which advertises (with the help of Dylan Larkin of the Detroit Red Wings) pants that...will fit a hockey butt. Stylistically, Derek's point is correct. The pants offered by The Hockey Butt do not actually fit well. They just appear to be stretchier than normal slacks, which is not the hallmark of good fit. What you want is a pant that highlights the butt, and does so in a way that also allows the pant to fit well. The Hockey Butt pant is basically leggings for the khaki-inclined business casual man. That's not the same as a well-fitting trouser.
Credit to Derek on one other thing: After extensive and very serious research that required exhaustive viewing sessions, I found it almost impossible to find a good photo of a hockey player with a ginormous tush wearing slacks. This is partly because step-and-repeat photos do not require men to turn around and show ass. But one can imagine it is also because it is actually hard to find pants for the hockey butt.
Like many women, hockey players struggle to buy pants because of their beautiful waist to ass ratio problem: They have small waists, and big thighs and big butts. As Max Domi told ESPN The Magazine in 2019, "The glutes especially, because it just throws off your waist. You have, like, a 48 waist with your ass, but without it, you're a 32. So what do you do? Meet halfway, and you still have all this extra stuff." 48 to 32 ratio! Mamma Mia! That's two inches more than Sir Mix-a-Lot's prescribed ("36-24-36, ha ha only if she's 5'3") ideal in "Baby Got Back."
The pictured "prominent seat" in that tweet is barely a butt at all compared to that ratio! Let us not lie to the men of this nation and the greater ass appreciating community about what qualifies as a big butt. Let us not pretend that having a meager and pedestrian tush is worthy of praise. That's butt deflation, not celebration! Now is not the time to send bubble butts backwards in time, we must push the tush onward and upward. It's called gluteus maximus, not gluteus mid, sir!
