There is a new Marvel movie coming out soon. It is called Eternals, and based on what I’ve gathered from the trailers, the premise seems to be, “What if we made The Avengers again, but this time we had to settle for casting actors who have 10 percent of Robert Downey Jr.’s and Chris Hemsworth’s charisma because no actors who are actually good want to sign away the next 12 years of their career to us anymore?” Anyway, this blog is not about how boring the Scottish guy and British guy from Game of Thrones are. It is about beams and blasts.
We can’t have any more of this. I am constantly being shown superheroes whose main power is shooting energy beams out of their eyes or fingers or whatever. That’s boring! A superhero that makes beams come out of his eyes, or “harnesses energy” or whatever the hell you want to call it, is nothing more than a superhero whose creator was lazy and uninspired. Every time I see some comic book character I’ve never heard of zapping some beast with lasers that come out of her eyes, I feel like I am looking at half-finished homework. Oh god, whispers some poor sap, hunched over his desk well after midnight with a deadline approaching. What power can I even give this one? Energy beams, I guess?
Superman has been shooting beams out of his eyes since 1961. We’ve seen enough beams! If you’re going to spend close to a billion dollars making yet another Marvel movie, you could at least have the decency to use characters who are more than just shoddy clones of the most well-known superhero in history.
From now on, we’re only making comic book movies about heroes who have animal-inspired powers and execute melee attacks. That’s the new rule.