Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. And buy Drew’s book, The Night The Lights Went Out, while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about second booth legends, Chris Farley, the search for decent Italian food in North Carolina, and more.
Your letters:
Jed:
At Trump's inauguration, Elon Musk did the Nazi salute. Then he said that calling someone a Nazi is old and played out. At first I thought this was stupid of him, but the more I thought about it, I'm wondering if he's right. Between the right's barely-veiled-at-all embrace of white nationalists, and online discourse rushing to compare everything negative to Hitler, is it possible "Nazi" as an insult/comparison has lost all impact?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Given my age, I always figured that anyone who affiliated themselves with Hitler and Nazism would find themselves permanently exiled from polite society. That was certainly the case throughout the bulk of my childhood, when neo-Nazis were a punchline and every right-thinking person understood, innately, that the Holocaust was both real and evil. I’m likely being naïve in this regard, but that’s how childhood me understood things to be. I was a white gentile from the Midwest who knew that Hitler was a genocidal, racist shitbag who gassed millions of people to death and started the most singularly destructive war in the history of mankind. The uber villain of world history.
But I’m only two generations removed from World War II. I had relatives I knew who actively participated in that war, and I was surrounded by a pop culture that was never shy about expressing its distaste for Nazism and misbegotten wars in general. But that was before the advent of the internet, which would denigrate the authority of the written word so thoroughly that the average Ohioan finds a YouTube comment as journalistically credible as a 12,000-word ProPublica investigation. We are living in an age of unfathomable information overload, leaving normal people unable (and often unwilling) to distinguish real from fake, smart from dumb, right from wrong.
Donald Trump, more than any other modern politician, knew how to leverage this collective brain fog to his advantage. In 2024, he was aided in his task by Elon Musk, who bought Twitter specifically because it was the preferred bullhorn of every major, trustworthy news outlet in the world. Then he fucked with the verification system to strip those outlets of any visible seal of credibility, tweaked the algorithm to make links to news articles practically invisible, and allowed all sorts of assholes, conmen, and racists to flood the platform. Combine that with American population aging out of proximity to Hitler’s ascent (less than one percent of American WWII veterans are still alive), and an education system where states like Texas can teach kids that Slavery Was Kinda Like A Vacation Actually, and I no longer have a firm grasp on the world’s understanding of what Nazism is, who Hitler was, and why it was all bad.
But I do know that Musk now has both the money and the lack of taste to render the entirety of the Third Reich just another meme. Meanwhile, he's appearing at far-right rallies in Germany and saying, "It's good to be proud of German culture, German values, and not to lose that in some sort of multiculturalism that dilutes everything," in an attempt to spam the world back into fascism. So ff you know anyone who’s Heiling the ol’ Fuhrer because they think it's "based," please read the following out loud to them in person, so that it’s not just another important piece of history that they can click out of.
Who was Adolf Hitler?
Adolf Hitler was an Austrian by birth who fought on the German side of WWI and became leader of Germany’s National Socialist German Workers' Party—which would eventually be shortened to just “Nazi party”—in the 1920s. The Nazis seized control of the German government in the 1930s, allowing Hitler to establish a full-on dictatorship. Then he invaded Poland to kick off World War II, and huddled up with his lieutenants to devise a plan to slaughter six million innocent Jews, an effort that would come to be known as the Holocaust. An additional 60-80 million people would die in the war that Hitler started.
Can you prove that all of this happened?
This portion of world history has been extensively documented by families of Holocaust victims, WWII veterans, eyewitnesses, historians, writers, filmmakers, war crime tribunals, and hundreds of millions of other people who were alive during the 20th century. Ask any of them. Ask Tom Hanks. Or shit, read Hitler’s own memoir on the subject. He wasn’t shy about his feelings.
Are you willing to debate me on this subject?
No. Read a fucking book. And then go tell your kids that Nazis are bad, and that anyone who salutes them for clout (that’s Elon) or to ingratiate themselves for personal gain (also Elon) is both evil and a fucking coward. Above all else, they’re uncool. Do you know how profoundly fucking uncool Hitler was? He was on cocaine the whole time and couldn’t even make THAT part of it cool. He was just one big evil fucking dork.
Aaron:
You, in your current state, are now a defender in the NFL. You will start the game and play until you make a solo tackle. What position would you pick, and would you ever come out?
I’d play cornerback. That keeps me a safe distance from the trenches. It also would allow me to “tackle” any receiver who burns me by touching them after they’ve fallen down post-catch. Or I could snuff out a toss play by diving into the back’s knees. I would be successful in none of these efforts, dying on the field before the first quarter is even over.
Joey:
Have you tried any other non-alcoholic drinks besides NA beers? There are so many options now with NA spirits and cocktails, it’s a bit overwhelming. Not to mention all the mocktail options in menus at restaurants.
Like our own Sabrina Imbler, I’ve settled in to only drinking NA beer for the most part. I still order mocktails in restaurants because I like having a drink in my hand, especially if everyone else is drinking around me. But I’ve spent so much money hunting around for the perfect NA spirit that I’m burned out. However, I can tell you what I learned through all of that trial and error:
- NA beers, the ones from Athletic especially, are the only NA products that can taste like the real deal.
- NA Red wine? Forget it. They’re all dogshit. None of them come close to replicating the taste of a full-bodied cabernet.
- Some NA whites and roses come closer in flavor to their boozy counterparts, but you have to like white wine to buy it. I grew out of white wine back in my 20s, so these products are of little use to me.
- Almost all fake whiskey is garbage, save for Kentucky 74 from Spiritless. That one’s decent, although you’ll never mistake it for Old Overholt. Also, the label on Kentucky 74 says you don’t have to refrigerate it after opening, but keeping it cool helps preserve the flavor.
- The best NA gin I had by far was Tanqueray Zero, which isn’t sold here in the US. I had to buy it off Amazon.uk. My mom also got a taste for T0, so that’ll be my go-to Christmas/birthday present for her for a while.
- NA liquors are best used in mixed drinks. Almost none of them deliver when you drink them neat, with one categorical exception…
- …The best NA spirits are ones that don’t bother trying to be copycats. I had a brief affair with Figlia, which tastes like its own thing. Ditto Kin Spritz, which is a canned mocktail branded as a new age enlightenment tonic or something. Did I mention Bella Hadid is the co-founder of Kin Euphorics? I doubt that shocks you.
- Phony Negroni is legit, but don’t buy the Amaro one. That tastes bad.
- All of this shit costs wayyyyy too much (THANKS TRUMP), so don’t bother exploring the NA liquor world if you’re happy with all of that money you saved by quitting drinking in the first place.
Oh wow, that was way more fun than explaining Hitler to people all over again.
Derek:
When we’re visiting my in-laws, they watch literally anything. The Garfield movie, It Ends With Us, Dr. No, Big Bang Theory, Gladiator, whatever. They do not care. I can’t decide if I respect this approach for lacking pretense, or disrespect it for the same reason. What say you?
I wanna say this happens to all of us, but my mom is still discerning about what TV she watches, and texts me recs whenever she stumbles on something she really likes (currently, that’s The Night Agent). So this varies from person to person, but I also suspect that the deeper you get into old age, the more willing you are to let your tastes go. You just want shit to look at, preferably something that’s always on at a specific time (the local news, Jeopardy!, Wheel), and you don’t want to have think much past that. I’ve been paralyzed by the Netflix menu a few times, so I get the impulse. But I haven’t given into it. If I walk into the TV room and my wife is watching Georgie & Mandy’s First Marriage, I’m gonna throw a drink in her face.
Ben:
Bob Uecker's recent death got everyone talking about the best broadcasters and play-by-play people in various sports: Jim Nantz, Pat Summerall, Vin Scully. Yet one name is never mentioned: Jon Miller. This is very odd to me, because he was hailed as the successor to Scully in terms of how he called a game, the timbre in his voice, his knowledge of the game, his humor, and his storytelling ability. He was the play-by-play guy on ESPN for years! Maybe being paired with Joe Morgan soured people on Miller? He moved on to broadcast SF Giants games and is beloved there. Why has he disappeared from the public's mind, and why isn't he mentioned as one of the greats of play-by-play? Signed, lover of Miller when he was doing O's games.
Oh, I love Jonny Miller! I don’t even like the Orioles, but hearing his voice on their telecasts always warmed my cockles. I wish to god he was still a national play-by-play guy, but ESPN deemed him expendable right when Morgan was falling out of favor (blame Ken Tremendous), spreading word internally that they wanted him and Morgan gone. As Miller got wind of the axe man coming, the Giants offered him a fat bag of cash to come West and divest himself of the four letter’s bullshit. He took the money and is now happy, which in turn makes me happy.
I was thinking about guys like Miller when Greg Gumbel died the other week. There’s a whole gallery of first/second booth announcers that have been with me for just about my entire life as a sports fan. These are the people who may not end up as venerated as Scully and Al Michaels, but when I hear their voices, I’m right back in my dorm’s common room, watching the game while trying to cure a hangover with a chicken finger sub. You tell me the name and I know the voice instantly. Jonny Miller, Ian Eagle, Brad Nessler, Mary Carillo, Sean McDonough, the amazing Kevin Harlan. I quietly love ‘em all. These people all have the timbre, and the timbre must be respected.
Dane:
What percentage of the American populace today can correctly spell Lynyrd Skynyrd, and what was the percentage in 1975?
Let’s go with five percent for right now. I grew up back when adult boomers were forcing the '60s on everyone else (just as we force the '80s on everyone now) and I even might spell that band’s name wrong if you challenged me to do it cold. I always knew there were Y’s, but I might fuck up and toss a real vowel in there.
The irony is that if you scream, “Play Free Bird!” at any concert in 2025, everyone in attendance will still get the joke.
HALFTIME!
Joe:
When was younger, I probably loved Happy Gilmore and Tommy Boy in equal measure. I still think about Chris Farley fondly, but I now find Adam Sandler exhausting. I've always just thought, "what a shame Farley had to die." But what if he had the same career as Adam Sandler? I'd rather not imagine it, but it's probably more likely that today I'd be reaching for my remote as fast as possible to stop his latest garbage Netflix movie from autoplaying.
I failed to appreciate both of those men properly back when I was in college and fancied myself a film snob (translation: I was super into Tarantino). I hated Farley right from the start because I considered him a cheap substitute for John Belushi (Farley actually modeled his drug habit after Belushi’s, and accordingly died as a result). So when all of my football teammates were like, “Bro, we gotta do a group trip to see Black Sheep, bro,” I’d just shake my head in disgust. I had better things to watch. More important things to watch.
I know better now. Farley was very much his own artist, he didn’t care about making an ass of himself, and he was funny as shit. You don’t have to look very hard to find his best work. I’m actually glad I get to re-discover Farley now, when I could use the chuckles.
As for Sandler, I still have every word of They’re All Gonna Laugh At You memorized, and yet I also hated his movies, Billy Madison included. Sandler has built a career out of making the laziest comedies possible, and yet he’ll also throw out an Uncut Gems or a great Netflix standup special to even things up. He’s both talented and prolific, which means that I can ignore his lesser works (look at me talking about him like he’s Dickens) and just enjoy the good shit.
That’s the exact same career arc that Farley probably would have had had he not died young. He would’ve made a few dogshit movies with a checked-out David Spade while also getting around to that Fatty Arbuckle biopic he’d always wanted to do. I bet that movie would have been pretty good, maybe even Oscar-worthy. I bet I would’ve liked it. You gotta support your local artists in 2025, even when they fail. Especially when they do. I just want talented people making stuff.
But I still couldn’t make it through all of Punch Drunk Love. Sue me.
Elizabeth:
My husband and I trade off on the duty of making frozen pizza for our ten year old. He rips open the plastic film *on the bottom* of the frozen pizza and removes it from its straitjacket while it’s upside down. He told me this dislodges all the loose cheese and pepperoni. I gave him a Look. He went on, apparently unfazed, and told me that his method also prevents any tiny bits of plastic from remaining in the craggy, cheesy top side. Please, what’s the correct way to open a shrink-wrapped frozen pizza? From the top or from the bottom? I will abide by your decision.
I hate to stand with your hubby, but I usually open a frozen pizza on the bottom because that’s where the seam in the wrap is. It just makes tearing the thing open much easier, like opening the world’s most underwhelming Christmas present. And yeah, if you’re eating a frozen pizza for dinner, little frozen mozzarella shards and mini-pepperoni cubes will get all over the counter no matter how you unwrap it. I’ve tried to mitigate that problem with the upside-down opening technique, but shit still breaks contain anyway.
So while I open a Tombstone like your husband, it’s not something I do on principle. It’s a frozen pizza; it’s gonna disappoint me anyway. And frozen pizza isn’t even fucking cheap anymore! You need to take out a home equity loan if you wanna treat yourself to the Rao’s one. It’s annoying.
Anyway, don’t abide by my decision, because I don’t have one. Life is too short and we’ve all endured too much to spend even more time fighting over food. Open it with a bandsaw for all I care.
Byron:
Since you used to be an Ad Man, I'm curious about the wisdom in companies putting polarizing figures into their ads. We're all subject to the constant barrage of Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid on our screens in every third commercial. As someone keeping a vague mental list of companies to not patronize for this sin, I can't envision what any advertiser is thinking here. There are 32 NFL fanbases, and 31 of them are likely not fans of Mahomes, with a percentage of them downright despising him. What’s the big idea?
Do you really count Patrick Mahomes as polarizing? Aaron Rodgers, sure. But Mahomes? I’m as tired of the Chiefs as you are, but seeing him in some shitty ad doesn’t make me want to stage a one-man boycott of T-Mobile. He’s just another famous pud in an ad to me for those 30 seconds. I don’t fly into a sudden rage at the mere sight of him. I’m sure he has lousy taste in politics, just like his family, but I cap separate art from commerce here. More importantly, I don’t watch any of these ads closely. The second Jake from State Farm pops up on my television, I know it’s time to pause the DVR and take a shit.
And yet, I still know precisely who Jake is, don’t I? That’s why he’s in every ad, just like celebrities are in any ad. This is an attention economy, so any recognizable face that draws eyeballs to the TV (and thus, your brand) counts as a prized asset for the Don Drapers of the world. It’s also a good sales job for agencies to work on their clients. You tell the client, You’re not gonna believe it, but we got Cuba Gooding Jr. for this spot! and they’re super duper impressed. That sounds like I’m joking, but I promise you I’m not. Everything is about awareness, and you don’t count as radioactive just because you play for a team that other people don’t cheer for.
Jeff:
I recently moved to NC and have yet to find decent Italian food. Last night I ordered chicken parm from what was supposedly a decent takeout place and received chicken fingers covered in cheese and sauce. Am I the asshole for expecting them to be cutlets? Is it that too much to ask? I feel like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas. I love my Italian food and I love making it, but sometimes I want a professional to make it taste great. Hell, I’d kill for a halfway decent hoagie. For three months so far, I haven’t been able to find anything that matches what I used to have in the Northeast. I’ve finally realized how spoiled I was. Did you ever feel this way about food or anything when you’ve moved in your life? How did you adjust?
When we first moved to the D.C. area 20 years ago, I exploited what limited amount of NYC cred I had at the time to complain endlessly about the pizza and bagels here. Did I tell everyone that the tap water in New York made a crucial difference in both of these foodstuffs? Jeff, you know I did. I even went so far as to bring two dozen Tal Bagels back with me on the Amtrak train anytime I went back up to Manhattan. The whole train car would smell like everything seasoning. No one tased me for it.
Of course, this was all on me for moving to a place I knew wouldn’t have better pizza and bagels than the city I’d been living in. Expecting decent Italian food in North Cackalacky is an equally foolish expectation, if not an even more galling one. It’s North Carolina, man. There was no Ellis Island just off the coast of the Outer Banks back in the day, taking in hundreds of thousands of Sicilian immigrants.There was just barbecue and slavery. These are not conditions that will foster a thriving Italian restaurant scene in later decades. You know all of that in advance, even if you don’t want to know it.
However, D.C. has become an excellent food town since I moved here, and I managed to either find a few places that made good pizza/subs, or I learned how to cook those things myself. That’s how it works when you move to a new place. You’re not magically settled in merely by unpacking. It takes years to adjust, to learn how to live within your new confines. Stay patient and you should be fine.
Or just order off of Goldbelly.
Jamie:
If NFL coaches had entrance music the way wrestlers do, who would have the best one and what song would it be? This question was inspired by me imagining (apropos of basically nothing) a version of "Hero" by Chad Kroeger feat. Josey Scott where, instead of the word "Hero," they sing "Harbaugh" in the chorus. I invite you to imagine this as well if you'd care to.
I’m so angry you put that into my brain. I will sentence you to death upon the Edmund Fitzgerald for this, young man!
Anyway, coaches all have horrifying taste in music, so every NFL coach would walk out to either a country song, freedom rock, Drake, something their kid likes, or … well, Chad Kroeger. There’s zero chance that Nick Sirianni is storming out of that tunnel with QOTSA blasting out of the loudspeakers. I don’t even wanna know what awful song he’d pick. The only coach I’d trust to pick decent walk-up music would be like Ben Johnson, because he’d probably choose some weirdass instrumental shit that doesn’t distract him while he’s eating tape. In 2025 America, all we have to choose from are lesser evils.
By the way, I was doing research (Googling) for this question when I discovered this fantastic exchange that now-Raiders coach Pete Carroll had with an interviewer back in 2010:
What about country music?
"I don't listen to country at all. I don't like it. I never turn it on, I only turn it off."
As I've gotten older, I've grown to like country music.
"I guess I'm not feeling as old as you then."
Pete gets it.
Now it’s time for the email of the week. I have to pause here to note that I am NOT doing the annual Pooporoo during the Super Bowl bye week this year. I’m just gonna chill the fuck out instead. But if you still need a poop story fix, here’s one from Luke, who submitted it way back in 2017. I call it JANUARY SHITXTH:
Last night I went to the Wizards home opener against the 76ers. After a great win (despite the asshole Philly fans who drove two hours to chant "Trust the Process" all game) and a few 24-oz. Bud Heavies, me and my buddy decided to celebrate with a meal at noted Chinese ramen spot Reren Lamen. We gorged on dumplings, bao, dan dan noodles, lamen ramen, and Tsing Tao until near explosion before parting ways.
I live on Capitol Hill and will generally walk home if it's nice out since the Metro shuts down on weekdays way too early and the mall is gorgeous at night. As I start up Capitol Hill, my stomach starts twisting in knots and I realize there is no way I'm making it home without shitting. but there are no accessible bathrooms in that part of the city so I consider my alternatives. Shitting on the Capitol grounds seems sketchy, because the place is surrounded by guard houses and I have no idea where they keep the hidden cameras. So I run up the hill, past the Capitol. Just as I'm about to shit my pants, I make it across the street and into the Library of Congress (which has some fairly lush gardens surrounding it). I shit my brains out, pull up my pants, hurry home and then the shame hits me. At least the Zards are 1-0!
They would not stay undefeated that season, alas.
