When looking at any photo of Mark Davis, some might think that a person at his tier of wealth should not be dressing like he does. They are completely wrong. Every person with Mark Davis’s wealth should be forced to dress like he does. There needs to be a mandate for the NFL owners—Dan Snyder, Virginia Halas McCaskey, everyone. If any of them don’t don this incredible all-white getup, as well as the accompanying haircut, they should lose control of their team.
Davis, the 66-year-old owner of the Las Vegas Raiders, was in his little box Monday night for his team’s season opener, which turned into a stupidly entertaining 33-27 win over the Baltimore Ravens. This dude watched the whole game while dressed like Thanos took a break from his goal of universal domination to take a long weekend in Miami.
To be accurate, this screenshot of Davis occurred not after Derek Carr’s game-ending touchdown to Zay Jones, but Daniel Carlson’s field goal at the end of regulation. It would be incorrect to say that either of those events flipped his wig, as that look is clearly all natural. Mark Davis’s haircut is a secret level above “high and tight,” only accessible to those who can demonstrate proof of a net worth of eight figures or above. Stan Kroenke is shaking.
But really, the outfit is trying its hardest to steal the show here. Someone appears to have acid-washed his clothes with him still in them. He might have assembled this outfit by walking into Men’s Wearhouse with a strip of eggshell paint swatches and saying, “Turn me into this.” He still would’ve been in the top half of the best-dressed men at the Met Gala last night; this is far more inspired than a black tux. That’s a man who has all eyes on him when he walks through the doors of Joe’s Stone Crab, and he knows it. A plate of your signature chicken tenders, my man, and keep them comin’.
The Raiders are 1-0, and Mark Davis is flying high. If they make the playoffs, it’s over for the rest of the NFL. If he gains control of the Reality Gem, it’s over for the rest of humanity.