“Major Announcement” From Donald Trump Turns Out To Be NFTs Of His Head Photoshopped Onto A Skinny Man In A Tuxedo
5:43 PM EST on December 15, 2022
Donald Trump is running for president, as he probably will be in some way or other for the rest of his natural life, and that naturally complicates things for him. He is still Donald Trump, and as such mostly spends his time doing the things that Donald Trump does: driving a golf cart around, trying to get people to give him money for stuff he's definitely not going to do, gossiping about other rich people. But because Trump is also the former President of the United States, and because he is currently and will always be trying to restore himself to that office—and especially because millions of Americans see him not as the mincing and highly distractible cable-news casualty who got thumped in an election by Joe Biden's muttering ghost but as a divinely ordained figure who has been waiting for just the right moment to purify the land by overseeing a paroxysm of retributive violence highlighted by show trials and mass executions of his political enemies—this can create some confusion when Trump does the things that come most naturally to him.
So when Trump announced on the little Playskool Twitter where he does his posts now that Thursday would see a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT, it could have gone either way. There was speculation among the ReTruthing community that Trump was announcing a game-changing running mate for his presidential campaign, or that perhaps The Storm Was Upon Us at last and military tribunals were underway and Nasty Nancy was being rendered to Gitmo post-haste for her crimes against patriotism. It was either that or Trump announcing that he would be selling $99 jpegs.
"These cards feature some of the really incredible artwork pertaining to my life and career, it's been very exciting," Trump says over some furious string adagios in the video announcement. In place of the lumpy and glowering Trump that has become familiar from his news interviews, there is the version of Trump that used to shout that steak "is my favorite food" on behalf of The Sharper Image. This Trump is pink as a marshmallow Peep and swaying in a way that suggests he might be wearing rollerblades, and he rolls through his promotional copy with the panache and confidence that can only come with reading something in very large type for the first time as it scrolls along a teleprompter.
While Trump does this, some really incredible artwork appears next to him. We see various images pertaining to his life and career—Trump playing golf, Trump sitting at a dinner table, Trump in an astronaut costume, Trump riding a big elephant, Trump firing lasers out of his eyes. The people who purchase these NFT's will not only be purchasing high-quality art—based on the quality of the images, Trump may well have made them himself—but become part of a very exclusive community. "It's my community," Trump says in the video announcement, "and it's something I think you're going to like, and you're going to like it a lot."
In addition to the opportunity to join the NFT scene at a moment when it is notably less crowded than it used to be, buyers will also get a chance to win some classically Trumpian sweepstake prizes—the opportunity to get on a private Zoom call with the former president, or a much less-private Zoom call, or to play exactly one hour of golf with him at one of his golf courses, or to attend a dinner at which Trump himself will also be present. These prizes are presented with admirable detail at collecttrumpcards.com, which is how those considering a purchase can learn that the gala dinner event is Black Tie (Optional) and will feature "music playing throughout the evening," or that while Trump himself will not join you for dinner for two at Trump Tower, "his office will call ahead to make sure they know you are family!" Other prizes are presented in more qualified ways. "Some" but not all copies of Trump's coffee table book given as prizes will bear his autograph. Also, concerning the Mystery Prize: please calm down about the Mystery Prize. "What is it?" the copy teases. "Even though we can’t reveal what the prizes are, we can tell you you’ll be very happy to receive this Mystery Prize if you’re a President Donald J. Trump fan!"
As is generally the case where Donald Trump is concerned, the people that win these prizes should probably not actually expect to actually receive them. As is generally not the case where NFTs are concerned, these images are hosted not on the blockchain but on the website collecttrumpcards.com, and so will disappear when the site does. As is always the case with Trump, the towering and brazen jankiness of the broader enterprise has not dissuaded any of his fans from backing it to the max, even though the money does not actually go to his campaign fund ("NO," states the fine print, which uses perhaps more all-caps than does most legal boilerplate and makes clear that Trump merely licensed his likeness rights); more than $1.1 million worth have been sold already. If they had their choice, of course, they'd choose the summary execution of thousands of people, neighbors and strangers and people from TV that they've come to see as demonic predators dead set on the destruction of all they hold dear. But failing that, a picture of Trump's face crudely photoshopped onto various healthy male bodies will do.