It’s tough being a dad. It’s even tougher raising a young woman in a horrifying patriarchal society that is constantly sending both you and her subconscious reminders that she is not as worthy or inherently good as the boys. And if you’ve also gotta manage a cache of nuclear weapons? Buddy, I don’t know what to tell you because I’m barely good at the first two things. I’d recommend you seek advice from an expert. Now that North Korea is open-ish for tourism, there’s one guy I can think of who would be good to ask.
While perusing the tabloids, I recently came across a celebrity gossip item about Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea and NBA superfan, and his relationship with his daughter Kim Ju Ae. This New York Times piece makes a handful of points regarding the possibility that Jong Un is grooming his daughter for leadership of North Korea, a process supposedly illustrated by her appearance at various diplomatic receptions and military photo ops. As a fan of both sports media and responsible, legally inactionable coverage of non-public figures, I couldn’t help but notice that the coverage never once entertains the possibility that allowing his daughter to push the Missile Launch button is an example of being a good “girl dad.” What does a guy have to do for some positive coverage?
Let’s step back for a second: as even the layperson is likely aware, North Korea operates under a different system of government than that of the United States. It’s called an “imperial cult” and I don’t think that sounds very fun, but it’s also not quite as exotic as it sounds. One can think of an imperial cult as a system where everybody is supposed to revere the head of state as a divinely appointed ruler. The U.K. has one, because they have a King, and royal families are active examples of imperial cults—Charles III rules, we’re told, “by the grace of God.” In the West, though, most of the imperial cults no longer have authoritarian control over doomsday devices so there’s an understandable tendency to get jumpy about North Korea.
Kim Jong Un, and thus “Dear Daughter" as well, are divine because they are descended from Kim Il Sung. Kim Il Sung is still revered by North Koreans who think that Japanese colonization of Korea was “not good.” Being born a Kim in North Korea is a little like being born a Rooney in Pittsburgh, where people respect you because someone in your bloodline once helped deliver a Super Bowl, but once you cross the border into Browns territory you transition to being a real piece of shit.
Is this set-up that much weirder than whatever was going on with the orbs in Saudi Arabia, which Donald Trump posed with in order to further American diplomatic interests? Probably not but this is where I show my bias as a “non-orb guy.” I can’t help but notice that orbs are treated normally because the orbs (real and metaphorical) exist in places where the United States also has lucrative trade agreements. If Kim Jong Un gives the Americans access to mineral deposits in that country, or exploration rights to the oil and gas prospects off the coast? I’m going to guess that his daughter would quickly be positioned as the rambunctious and quirky future leader who is a potential “change agent” for North Korea’s decades of backward politics.
For now, though, Kim Ju Ae is a total mystery, according to the crack team of experts:
“She holds no known official title in North Korea. The outside world has never heard her voice. The North’s state media has not even named her, referring to her only as the “most beloved,” “respected” or “dear” daughter of its leader.
But intelligence officials and analysts consider her to be her father’s most likely successor. She is believed to be just 12.”
I don’t want to “scoop” intelligence officials here, but upon reading this 12-year-old article about Dennis Rodman hanging out with Kim Jong Un and holding his newborn daughter, I am willing to confirm for the world [DEFECTOR EXCLUSIVE] that she is 12 years old. North Korea is a land of many mysteries but the Earth orbits the Sun at the same speed there.
The rest of the Times piece only gets stranger, as the authors write about Kim Jong Un’s daughter appearing in photo ops as though they are writing about an apparition of Saint Mary in Egypt. At one point, the three-year investigation notes that one of the Korean military commanders kneeled in front of Kim Ju Ae and whispered in her ear. This, I’m told by the newspaper, is a sign that the commander is deferential to his boss’s daughter. No shit? I suppose I understand the credulity, given that here in America it’s customary to tell your boss’s daughter that you don’t care for her attitude as a means of displaying dominance. That’s the second thing they teach you in Six Sigma Academy, right after you finish the lesson about spitting on the floor to endear yourself to HR.
It’s difficult to properly critique media coverage of North Korea because pieces that are intended to make it look bizarre and hellish are factually correct. However, it’s hard not to notice that sudden interest in North Korea in the pages of America’s loudest State Department water carriers is arriving at the same time that the United States is heating up trade wars (and regular old proxy wars) with BRICS nations. Maybe the folks at the papers of record just want to get readers nervous about a young hormonal person taking over a bunch of nuclear weapons.
If there’s an upside to the Times doing a reboot of Kremlinology with a dash of Orientalism, it arrives in the form of this absolute gem:
“Kim [Jong Un] is…about 5-foot-7 and weighs about 310 pounds…he had unhealthy habits, including chain-smoking, heavy wining and dining, and frequently staying up until early mornings to surf the internet, where he likes to browse weapons websites.”
From one girl dad to another, Mr. Kim, this is not a good look. I understand a demonstration of positive masculinity that involves letting your daughter launch a test missile—Lord knows my daughter would love that kind of shit—but even if it’s for work, you can’t spend all your time looking up weapons on the internet. Eventually, your daughter is going to internalize the idea that defending the future of Juche with advanced firepower is more pressing than whatever she’s trying to tell you. What if she has her first crush? Some things are just a tad more important than seeing what the commenters think about your latest plans for nuclear holocaust.
