Eagle-eyed trackheads following the Ostrava Golden Spike in Czechia might have noticed American hurdler Chris Robinson, an NCAA champion at Alabama, winning the 400 meters with some unorthodox form. Midway through the event, Robinson began reaching, after every hurdle, to adjust himself in a way familiar to any penis-haver. Surely even a top track athlete would not be able to win a race, let alone in a season-best 48.05 seconds, with his dong flapping around. Going balls out usually does not lend itself to going balls out.
Some research was needed. Track's not a huge deal here in the States, and the only video existed as a livestream on a subscription service. So we turn to the Swedes, who you'd expect to be all over a penis if one presented itself in Lane 3. From national sport newspaper Sportbladet:
While tantalizingly intelligible, there is sadly no way to know what en penischock translates to. I do not speak Swedish. No one does. Similarly, there is no way to know what the story is referring to further down where it says that "Robinsons penis hängd ute."
This mystery was a frustrating one, as we could only find coy traces of the aftermath, such as people quoting the U.K. television commentator who noted that Robinson finished first despite "a problem that does emerge occasionally."
Getting desperate, we turned to a language even stranger and more agglutinative than Swedish:
That's from MTV Urheilu, the Finnish sports network which aired the race. From this article we learn that "Yhdysvaltojen Chris Robinsonin penis vilkkui nimittäin juoksun aikana hänen shortsiensa lahkeesta." Right around then, I was cursing the person who invented the Finno-Ugric language subdivision. Curse you, unattested Comb Ceramic culture! Why couldn't you have spoken Proto-Indo-European like the Yamnaya culture!
Then a Czech Twitter account that frequently posts gay porn uploaded a clip from the race, rendering unnecessary my extensive linguistics research:
Oh yeah: That's en penischock, for sure.
