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Don’t Rank Your Children, You Domineering Prick

BOULDER, COLORADO - APRIL 22: Head coach Deion Sanders of the Colorado Buffaloes watches as his team warms up prior to their spring game at Folsom Field on April 22, 2023 in Boulder, Colorado. (Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Images)
Matthew Stockman/Getty Images

When we last heard from former Barstool employee Deion Sanders, he was posing proudly next to his new vanity pickup truck, which he will presumably use to transport any remaining players out of the Colorado Buffaloes program he has now been put in charge of tearing down. I have no problem saying that vanity pickups belong at the front line of the culture wars, and that anyone who owns one deserves to have the word PENIS keyed on both sides of it. But if you think that the frivolous purchase of a Trump sign on mag wheels represented the foremost sign of Coach Prime’s devolution into shitbaggery, you’d be heartbreakingly mistaken.

This week we found out from Alexander Sammon of Slate that Deion celebrated getting his new job as head coach at Colorado by attending the annual meeting of the National Automobile Dealers Association (or NADA, appropriately) this past February. Sammon’s piece on NADA is both thorough and harrowing. You should know how much pull car dealers have over both the automotive industry and the American government as a whole, but you’ll also hate knowing it.

You’ll also hate knowing that Deion, who used to be cool, showed up to this convention—which also featured a mustache ride seesaw, a donkey used as a portable beer cooler, and Nelly—to fire up its nearly 100 percent Republican crowd with Facebook Uncle takes such as this one:

“We’ve got a soft country right now!” he intoned. Everyone cheered. “We gotta get back to the basics,” he said.

As to how we, as Americans, might get back to those basics—basics which I would presume don’t include environmental regulations, readily available mental health treatment, LGBTQ rights, or a well-regulated militia—Deion offered the NADA crowd a remarkable idea (emphasis mine):

Sanders, more polished than his keynote predecessors, hit the right notes of flattery and ideology that the dealers were looking for. He sympathized with the challenges of running a family business dogged by disappointing progeny, and told the crowd that he ranks his kids every month, to combat the malign forces of youth softness. 

Deion has five children with two ex-wives. Whether he ranks his kids in aggregate or he maintains separate, color-coded bloodline charts for each grouping of offspring (not out of the question), I cannot know. What I do know is that is that I have three children of my own. They are smart, ambitious, and well-adjusted. They are this way because my wife and I love them and have been there for them, as best we can, for their entire lives. But do you know what we never did? RANK THEM LIKE THEY’RE TEAMS IN THE FUCKING AP POLL. If you’d like your children to grow up fearful, angry, and emotionally lost, Deion’s technique is sure to not only do the trick, but to also impress every Krystal Koons living in a drab McMansion next door. Also, they won’t be soft! Because God forbid you raise kids who aren’t afraid to be vulnerable in this world. We’ll never sell enough pickup trucks that way.

What a diseased cock.

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