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How Many Football Man Tropes Can Adam Schefter Cram Into One Tweet?

PITTSBURGH, PA - AUGUST 21: T.J. Watt #90 of the Pittsburgh Steelers looks on prior to the game against the Detroit Lions at Heinz Field on August 21, 2021 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Joe Sargent/Getty Images)
Joe Sargent/Getty Images

Pretending that a monthslong contract negotiation involving multiple parties on both sides and complex legal language can be wrapped up by one person marching into an office with a pen? Check. I don’t even think an NFL owner actually signs every contract, let alone has a stack of blank ones ready to go on his desk.

Portraying agents as greedy, superfluous little rats who stand in the way of virtuous football guys talking to their bosses like men? Check. Why, if only agents were made illegal and NFL players were allowed to talk shop with their bosses over a cold one, there’d never be a holdout again!

Valorizing an employee saving a billionaire money? Check. Football players, get your money while you can. I promise you the owner has enough.

Uncritically reporting a team’s preferred version of a contract while giving no details? Check. Everyone involved loves to be able to use the epithet “highest-paid,” but what does that mean, here, exactly? We know the shenanigans involved in NFL contracts, e.g. Taysom Hill and his “$140 million extension” that will pay him zero dollars in new money. Until we see the details there’s literally nothing that can be said about the worth of T.J. Watt’s deal. (Basic outlines are here, but we still don’t actually know when it’s structured to become prudent for the Steelers to bail on it, nor how much of the “guarantees” are truly guaranteed against things like, say, the team deciding it doesn’t want to keep paying him.

Somehow praising a player for taking less money within one sentence of praising him for getting the most money ever? Check, and honestly I’m impressed.

Gym rat fetishization of extremely normal behavior? Check. Have you ever gotten a raise or promotion at work? Did you then continue to go into your workplace? Adam Schefter thinks you’re a hero.

Weird off-brand hanger-on reply-guy scoopsterino appearance?

Check.