The greatest betrayal of my life was when my little sister texted the group chat a screenshot of the movie Goat with a demand to "clear your calendars," and over my protests, my older sister agreed, saying that she was "actually dying to see this movie." The screenshot my little sister provided declared that ANDRE IGUODALA IS IGGY THE REF, a zebra, which was burying the lede. As it turned out, not only is Andre Iguodala Iggy the ref, but Stephen Curry (on top of producing the movie) is Lenny Williamson the giraffe, Nicola Coughlan is Olivia Burke the ostrich, and Gabrielle Union is Jett Fillmore the black panther. Also, Dwyane Wade is Rosette the bull, Angel Reese is Propp the polar bear, and A'ja Wilson is Kouyate the American alligator.
In accordance with sibling duty, we all went to see the movie for my little sister's 20th birthday, which meant that the three of us were the only childless adults over the age of 20 in the theater. The previews advertised such movies as an uncanny valley Cat in the Hat adaptation; The Super Mario Galaxy Movie; another animated joint, The Pout-Pout Fish, starring Nick Offerman as the Pout-Pout Fish; and The Sheep Detectives, a film in which Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and Bryan Cranston voice, respectively, Lily the Shetland sheep and an unnamed black Castlemilk Moorit sheep (I would like to watch this movie). After Goat ended, a small gaggle of nephew-style children debated the Jett Fillmore character's levels of "unc" and "gyatt." Safe to say that my sisters and I were not the target audience for this film.
I am choosing not to have many opinions about the movie itself, which was animated very charmingly and told a classic sports tale about dreaming big, paced like 20 music videos stitched together. I can say that I was never bored. Also, I did learn a lot of facts, some of them about animals, and all of which I now take as fundamental truth and will incorporate into my worldview. The facts I have managed to retain over the past 24 hours are listed here:
- Andre Iguodala is Iggy, a zebra referee.
- Some would believe that if ostriches were to speak English, they would have a Sub-Saharan African accent. I am not quite sure what Olivia the ostrich's accent was—Nicola Coughlan, who voices her, is Irish—but I would not have said, at first guess, Sub-Saharan African.
- Contrary to contrary to the popular myth, ostriches do stick their heads in the ground.
- The animal kingdom believes in gender equality. The main character, Will Harris the American pygmy goat, idolizes Jett Fillmore the black panther, who plays for the Vineland Thorns and is maligned for failing to win championships but never for her gender.
- While humans play basketball, animals play Roarball, a sport that resembles basketball in scoring, but comes with the added twist of various environmental traps on court, depending on who has home court advantage. These environmental traps range from thorns to glaciers to volcano.
- Inter-species discrimination does not necessarily exist outside of Roarball, which is only for "bigs" and in which smaller animals are derogatorily referred to as "smalls." Harris is insistent that he is a "medium."
- Goats can use mouthguards. Goats primarily chew on their mouthguards.
- Hamsters have approximately 50 to 100 children in their lifetime.
- Prey vision is something goats activate at will, for either humorous or dramatic effect. For much of the movie, Harris does not have the iconic horizontal pupils of the ordinary goat. Perhaps it was considered to be too perturbing.
- The animals of Vineland have at least one functioning elevated heavy rail line. The fare gates are constructed such that both a goat and a black panther are capable of fare evasion.
- Mercedes-Benz exists in Vineland.
- Andre Iguodala is Iggy the ref, a zebra.
- The baa of a goat can be heard throughout the entirety of a hotel.
- It is not entirely clear if animals eat meat. They do not seem to eat each other, or fear each other, outside of the aforementioned small–big Roarball dynamic. Goats do eat metal, and do not realize that they can also eat peanuts. If the animals are vegetarian, they are not necessarily vegan: All animals enjoy pie with ice cream.
- I do not recall seeing a cow in the goat movie.
- An Andalusian horse is roughly the size of an Indian rhinoceros.
- Cockroaches are sentient. However, they occupy a sort of permanent underclass status in the animal kingdom. Though they can speak and have feelings just like you and I, they are relegated to living in other animals' houses, where they are looked down upon by their brethren, and the subject of punchlines about "offending the roach community." The cockroach character's voice actor is not credited, at least not on Wikipedia, despite having roughly as many lines as Kevin Love, who voices Daskas the gorilla. I am thinking of that cockroach. I hope the cockroaches, too, as "mega smalls," get an opportunity in Roarball.
- Andre Iguodala is Iggy the ref, a zebra.
My little sister gave this movie three stars and a heart on Letterboxd. I am glad we were all able to share this experience together.
