Some people are fans of the New York Giants. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Giants. This 2025 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: New York Giants.
In this organization, you must promise to give your word that you’ll circle back.
Your 2024 record: 3-14. And I know you’re like, “But at least they had those wins with Tommy Cutlets at QB! MANGIA MARIA, THAT’S-A SOME GOOD PASSAGIO!” No, no. You’re thinking of 2023. The 2024 Giants had no Tommy DeVito honeymoon period. This was the season when Baker Mayfield stunted on Tommy Salami in the end zone as the Bucs kicked the ever-loving shit out of Small Blue.
And that humiliation was but one of many these Giants endured all year long. They had no passing offense of any sort. They had no good quarterbacks, no good offensive line play, no good play calls, not even a decent highlight to post on YouTube. They had nothing. They are nothing. They are a great blue void in which all matter—solid, liquid, gaseous—is quietly annihilated. The Giants’ greatest contribution to the 2024 NFL season was letting their terminal disappointment of a franchise running back sign with Philly before the games got underway. That back went on to spearhead one of the greatest rushing attacks the league has ever seen and won the Eagles their second Super Bowl. Saquon Barkley might even make the Hall of Fame now, and I love that for him.
Meanwhile, back in the Mara family’s Zone of Stateliness, this was transpiring.
That’s now former Giants QB Daniel Jones, throwing the game-losing pick to random Steelers DB Beanie Bishop (good name). And when I tell you that Jones airmailed this throw, I’m wildly underselling it. Look at that fucking pass. I’ve seen USMNT penalty misses more accurate than this ball. Jesus. Just … fucking Jesus.
That loss was part of a team-record 10 straight losses, all of them equally hideous. There was Saquon hanging 176 yards on New York in his return to the Meadowlands; Eddy Pineiro of Carolina booting the game-winning field goal against them in Germany (after RB Tyrone Tracy fumbled the ball on the Giants’ first scrimmage play in OT); New Orleans blocking their game-tying field goal attempt in the waning seconds; Lamar Jackson throwing five easy TDs against them; and Falcons rookie Michael Penix blowing them out in his first career start. Soft. As. Fuck.
These Giants didn’t win a home game until after Christmas. They got swept by Dallas for the fourth consecutive year. They even had to call the legendary Tim Boyle out of the bullpen for a few passes after they cut Jones midseason (Minnesota promptly claimed him off of the waiver wire to get a compensatory 2026 draft pick). This was yet another post-Eli year that went to absolute shit. A wise organization would have used a season like this as motivation to clear out the underbrush and start all over again. Do you know what the Giants did?
Your coach: Nothing! They changed absolutely fucking nothing! Brian Daboll is still your head coach, and Joe Schoen is still your GM! Da fuck? Owner John Mara had every chance to fire both men and do a complete reset, but instead he opted to stay the course. Oh but it’s totally different now, because Mr. Mara just said that he’s running out of patience with these guys. OH MY STARS! If Daboll and Schoen don’t go at least 5-12 this season, Mr. M might think about firing them in 2028! YOU BOYS ARE ON NOTICE.
After his first season, Daboll was named Coach of the Year. Now he’s Joe Judge with an Ozempic prescription. His players hate playing for him. His team’s fans want his offensive coordinator thrown off a highway overpass. And he doesn’t know how to properly manage conversion attempts. Why would he when his offense scores a touchdown once per lunar cycle? I can’t believe I thought this guy was the brains of the operation in Buffalo. He’s dumber than an Arby’s. A plantar wart with a beard. God, this is depressing. Let’s get to the funny part.
Your quarterback: Matthew Staffo—AHAHAHAHA just kidding. The second Matthew Stafford realized that his trade request might end with him playing for these clowns, he was like FUCK THAT SHIT and beat a hasty retreat back to Inglewood. That left the Giants with this…
I know when a hat is lying to me, Russell Wilson. The only thing real about you is your terminal reluctance to throw passes to the middle of the field. I’ll tell you who’s REALLY real to me: your competition for the starting gig!
Now there’s a man who screams authenticity everywhere he goes. I can’t believe that one team, even one this stupid, would choose to have both Russell Wilson and Jameis Winston in their quarterback room in 2025. Wilson is an AI-written English paper of a QB; Jameis is a serial groper who loves throwing picks more than he loves candy. This is worst buddy comedy ever. And I’ve seen Central Intelligence, mind you.
Wilson is here after going on the world’s mildest redemption tour in Pittsburgh, where he led the Steelers to their annual Wild Card loss. Did the Steelers circle back to Russ and re-up him after that? They sure didn’t. No, instead Pittsburgh dithered for months and then signed up for the Aaron Rodgers Warped Tour. Meanwhile, Jameis comes to town after getting benched in Cleveland for Dorian Thompson-Robinson, who can’t play. These two QBs ain’t gonna amount to shit here, and I think we all know that.
But what if I told you there was another contender in the building? And what if I told you that he had AMAZING hair? Would that rev your engine?
Yes, that’s former Ole Miss product Jaxson Dart. Did the Giants trade back up into the first to get Matt Corral 2.0? They sure did. Did they draft him WAY too high if you go by the consensus board? Yes again. Will the Giants hand Dart a fat contract extension after a fluky playoff win that he’ll never replicate? OK, time for me to stop being so coy. This man’s career trajectory is preordained. Again, you know that.
In 2024 this team held the No. 6 overall pick in one of the most loaded QB drafts of this century. They needed a QB then just as badly as they need one now, and they elected, yet again, to do nothing. Yeah, they picked Nabers and he’s awesome. But Nabers is fleeing this shit hole the first chance he gets, and do you know why? BECAUSE THERE’S NO ONE HERE TO THROW HIM THE FUCKING BALL. Motherfucker should just start posting videos of himself chopping up rails on Instagram so that Mara demands he be cut.
Also, the Italian guy is still on the roster, and is still Italian.
What's new that sucks: While letting Saquon flee was the most notable move that Schoen made a year ago, it’s worth reminding you that he also let star safety Xavier McKinney leave for Green Bay that same offseason. All McKinney did in his first season with the Packers was grab eight picks and make first-team All Pro. Oh, and former first-round pick CB Deonte Banks was such a letdown that the Giants had to bench him toward the end of the year. By magical coincidence, they would end up finishing second to last as a team in picks.
So Schoen had to spend the bulk of this offseason throwing money at a problem of his own making. He signed former Dolphins S Jevon Holland and former Saints CB Paulson Adebo to big free agent deals, and then fortified the pass rush by drafting Penn State edge demon Abdul Carter No. 3 overall, and Toledo DT Darius Alexander in the third round. Throw in lower-tier free agent additions like DT Roy Robertson-Harris, LB Chris Board, and DE Chauncey Golston, and now we can regard the Giants as a legitimate, even imposing, defensive enterprise. After all, they already have Dexter Lawrence and Brian Burns anchoring the front seven. If this were still 2007, that would be enough for New York to perhaps to manage another fluky Super Bowl win.
But it’s not still 2007, and this team still hasn’t found a capable replacement for Eli Manning. Save for the QB1 spot, every starter from their 2024 offense is back in their respective spots. Ohhh, how the course has been stayed. Once again this team’s best pass protector will be LT Andrew Thomas, who’s starting camp on the PUP list because he’s always hurt. Its best receiving option outside of Nabers will again be Darius Slayton, who’s just Sterling Shepard by another name. And the tight end group is again an insult to the legacy of Mark Bavaro.
The good news is that Schoen grabbed ASU back Cam Skattebo late in the draft, which gives every white Giants fan a chance to remind you how much they loved Keith Elias back in the day. Can’t wait for that.
What has always sucked: This is not how you run a franchise. You don’t run it back with a regime that grows more embarrassing by the year. You don’t let that same regime draft a QB when they definitely won’t be around next year to develop him. You don’t pretend that you’re just a couple of players away every year as you consistently founder for over a decade. You don’t let the NFL film you telling Barkley, in the most socially awkward fashion possible, that he’s being let go.
There’s no plan here. No vision. Nothing. Every decision that Mara makes—or, more accurately, that he doesn’t make—feels like a purposeful insult to everyone’s intelligence. That’s how making the analytically sound decision not to overpay a running back blows up on you in the most visible possible manner. That’s how you end up extending Daniel Jones for over $100 million guaranteed when everyone else on earth knew that he was a dud. And that’s how you become one of the biggest jokes in the league despite having four Lombardis in your trophy case. These dillweeds really believe they're doing things the right way. They’re the straight men who never see the pie coming until it’s coated their face. The Jets are just a drunk driver doing drunk-driver shit. The Giants are doing the same shit, only from a golf cart whose battery has died.
The Knicks will never win another NBA title. Stop kidding yourself, Spike.
What might not suck: Nabers is still a god, so enjoy him now before he’s put on the Odell career trajectory.
HEAR IT FROM GIANTS FANS!
Ed:
First of all, Drew, fuck you for making me think about this football team any earlier than I absolutely had to.
Thomas:
This past October, there was a gorgeous day in New Jersey, with crisp, clear weather. I sat in a hospital room, sunlight streaming in as I held my son (first kid!) who had been born earlier that morning. How was I spending my first hours bonding with my son, you ask? Watching Daniel Jones throw for 99 yards and get sacked seven times as the Giants lost to the Eagles 28-3. How did I spend every following Sunday? The same exact way.
Michael:
John Madden once said, "If you have two quarterbacks, you have none." I would like to bring him back to life just to ask him what it means when you have four quarterbacks.
Charlie:
I don't even know why I bother anymore.
Andrew:
I'm emailing you on September 8, 2024. For the second straight year our season has ended in Week 1. Fuck this team and fuck the entire timeline of life that led me to be a fan of this team.
Kevin, Section 324:
The Giants brilliant idea to upgrade the offense was to build a quarterback room that looks like the male cast for season 800 of Survivor.
Bret:
The last time this team beat Dak Prescott, Carrie Fisher was still alive. The last time this team won at the Linc, Obama was still president. 78-131-1 since Super Bowl 46. Fuck this team with a Medium Pepsi.
Mark:
I've never written you because I couldn't be bothered to do so. Now I am bothered.
I have two friends: a Jets fan and a Bills fan. The Bills fan drunkenly suggested a yearly wager between us five seasons ago, a wager which I thought I might not ever lose: Bills win total (including playoffs) vs. the combined Jets and Giants win totals each season (including playoffs, lol). The Bills are up 68 to 54 over that time span and I am down $100.
The painful double whammy here is that this wager has made me care about Giants/Jets games on Sundays. I can't even count the amount of times over the past five years my wife has snuck into the living room and watched me Jagsfanning at something stupid that one of those teams is doing. There is no NFL fan dumber than me (excluding all Jets fans).
"here lies a man who attempted a QB sneak on 3rd and 9" should be on Joe Judge's tombstone.
Brendan:
In a WYTS from the late 10s, someone called the Giants the Never-Trump Republicans of the NFL. Just like their political counterparts, the Giants have spent the past decade destroying what little honor and dignity they once had.
Our quarterbacks are a soulless husk who refuses to throw over the middle, a rapist who is treated like a lovable meme, and a Mormon with an x in his name. Tiki Barber is a tool. Wellington is a stupid first name. Danny Dimes beating the Vikings in the playoffs was the defining pyrrhic victory of all time.
Okikic:
They’re the spiritual equivalent of deleting Facebook from your phone. Thanks for the two Super Bowl wins over the Patriots and nothing else.
Rob:
The three-headed QB monster of Wilson, Winston, and Dart is something you'd assemble in Madden Franchise Mode when you are bored with the game and don't feel like trying anymore.
Dan:
It's the Giants 100th season, and they're celebrating by fielding a team that wouldn't have been competitive in 1924.
Ryan:
I’m staying the fuck away from this pink slip HR email of a franchise until they decide to actually respect my time again. I’m choosing happiness this year (if the Eagles win another title, I’m choosing violence tho).
Cecil:
Airfare & accommodations in Munich (for three people): $3,498.73.
Tickets to Allianz Arena (three people): $609.39.
Traveling all the way to Europe with my mom and brother to watch the Giants embarrass themselves: Priceless.
Fuck Dave Gettleman.
Todd:
Jaxson Dart is the Kent Graham of Dave Browns. I can’t wait to see which awkward, slow-processing white QB they draft 30 spots too early in 2029 after this round of trying the exact same thing to fix the exact same problem as last time somehow fails yet again.
Matthew:
I was 100% in on Tommy Cutlets and thought his agent Sean Stallato was hilariously amazing. When Tommy predictably began to suck, I thought Sean Stallato looked like an idiotic 1930s mobster cosplayer who couldn't fuck off fast enough.
Matt:
Anybody who thinks Malik Nabers will turn out any differently than the last two mercurial wide receivers we drafted in the first round (Beckham, Toney) are the same people who think this is going to be the Knicks’ year, every year.
New York sports haven’t won a championship since 2012 (New York City FC doesn’t count). We have been lapped by formerly perennial loser metropolitan areas like Miami, Denver, and Tampa Bay, and we can’t even commiserate about it because apparently not enough time has passed. We have nine teams in the New York Metropolitan area and none of them are any good.
Fuck Dave Gettleman with a Kevin Gilbride third-down draw play.
Steve:
Even though last season the bottom totally fell out—an offense that made 1920s football look high-scoring, a secondary that gave up massive gains even on the 30% of plays where they actually tried, and of course letting our star player go to our most hated rival where he had the greatest season a running back has ever had and won a fucking Super Bowl—there's still no reason to believe we haven't hit rock bottom yet, or that we won't just continue discovering new rock bottoms.
Our quarterback hopes hinge on a decrepit Russell Wilson, a sexual predator, and a seven-year old boy named Jaxson. It's easily the most exciting QB room we've had in a decade. We have exactly one good player on offense and the Staten Island hog fans hate him because he's black and knows that he's the only way we can score. John Mara is going to live to 124 and not step down until he's 123 and a half.
Tyler:
As last season drew to a close, a friend and I were talking optimistically about being able to sign Kirk Cousins. Looks like fans can get CTE too.
Shapeshifter:
78-131-1 since 2012. Only three winning seasons and two playoff appearances. Fuck Jerry Reese with an apple, Fuck Dave Gettleman with his magnet boards, Fuck Joe Judge with a whistle, Fuck LT with a 90-foot pole, and fuck John Mara with Wellington's tombstone.
Last but not least, fuck me with a medium Pepsi for hitching my wagon to this abusive drunkard of a team.
Gavin:
They’re like a blander, worse version of the Steelers.
When Saquon Barkley left us for the Eagles in order to not see six defenders eight inches from his face immediately after the snap, I told my Eagles fan friends that I felt like Ben Affleck when Matt Damon doesn’t show up to work at the end of Good Will Hunting. Good for you, man. Get out of here. We don’t deserve you.
Still beat Tom Brady twice though.
Steve:
We have the highest concentration of soft-ass white suburban dudes in their late 30's and 40's who cosplay as 80-year WWII veterans.
Scott:
I was in my early 20s when the Giants won their two most recent Super Bowls. I now know this will be the apex of the team in my lifetime.
At least Jaxson Dart is a cool name.
Matt:
Oh and I never liked Barkley.
Charlie:
Our current QB room is a rookie that looks like a lesser known Paul brother, a legit Jesus freak/corniest man in the NFL, a fake born again Jesus freak/sex pest, and a Jersey Shore cast member. Our owner is a useless trust fund kid who's allergic to the concept of drafting a black QB. The franchise's best ever defensive player is a convicted sex offender. And half the fans are Sopranos cosplayers.
Michael:
The Giants are now just the Jets minus the whimsy. Their increasingly distant Super Bowl wins all look like some sort of cosmic accident in retrospect. They missed the playoffs three of the four seasons immediately following their Super Bowl wins. The one time they looked like a powerhouse coming off a SB in 2008, their star receiver fucking shot himself in the leg in a club and the team promptly went directly down the toilet. This might be a charmed franchise, but it's never actually been a reliably good or well-run one.
John:
Every year our roster has three or four guys that look like they’ve never played football before in their lives.
Michael:
Anyone who still thinks Joe Schoen is going to save us from the Maras deserves the shit sandwich they're fed every Sunday. I wouldn't trust him to make the punch at a frat party.
Rich:
My daughter wanted to see an NFL game last year, so we went to Giants/Ravens. Nobody expected the Giants to win, but they exceeded expectations by losing 35-14. At halftime, they had a mini game between a Pop Warner team and a team composed of the mascots from various pro and college teams. Now, you might think that a game between 12-year-olds and grown adults would be flag football. You would be wrong. This was full-on tackle football, and the mascots did not hold back. I did not expect to see a child get completely trucked by a guy in a dragon costume, but I did.
After halftime, Daboll came back out onto the field all alone. No team, no assistant coaches, just one large lonely man staring forlornly onto the field. He stood there, a boulder being slowly eroded by waves of mediocrity. What did he see? Our mortal eyes are not meant to know.
John:
For Giant fans, watching the off-season Hard Knocks was like watching a video of your pilot pounding shots before they fly your plane.
Cliff:
Ciara performed on the Today Show and that will be the last time she’ll hear applause in NYC.
Fuck John Mara for letting Saquon walk over couch cushion money.
Kyle:
At least I don’t have to watch Daniel Jones be useless. Fuck that guy.
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