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Why Your Team Sucks

Why Your Team Sucks 2021: New York Jets

FLORHAM PARK, NJ - JULY 28: Michael Carter #32, Jarrad Davis #52 and Del'Shawn Phillips #43 of the New York Jets during morning practice at Atlantic Health Jets Training Center on July 28, 2021 in Florham Park, New Jersey. (Photo by Rich Schultz/Getty Images)
Rich Schultz/Getty Images

Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2021 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: New York Jets.

Illustration by Chris Thompson

Your 2020 record: 2-14. Show ‘em the zero blitz.

Sometimes this job of mine is hard. I know that sounds plainly ludicrous, but there are years where I really do have to make a Herculean effort to say anything new and interesting about, say, the Jaguars. What else is there to say except that they’re the fucking Jaguars?

Fortunately for me, the Jets go out of their way, on an annual basis, to debase themselves in clever ways. What other team puts it in hyperdrive to start the season 0-13 and STILL can’t land the No. 1 overall pick? What other team out there has its defensive coordinator—in a perverse capstone to his disgraceful career—blatantly undermine both his head coach and the entire team by calling an all-out blitz on the absolute final play of regulation, thereby rendering a miracle Henry Ruggs touchdown not only possible, but predictable?

I’ll tell you: None of them. What you saw in 2020 was pure Jets magic. They’re not gonna settle for being mere dogshit. They’re gonna be uglier than your parents’ divorce, or your money back. They handed all organizational power to Adam Gase, a callus-brained moron who sleeps in dumpsters as a matter of principle and never has plays on hand for what are, at least for this team, EXTREMELY common game-time scenarios.

Adam Gase had a .281 winning percentage over two seasons and somehow by that measure he is still not the worst Jets head coach in my lifetime. This team was down 14-0 before they got a first down last season, and down 21-0 before they got their second. They invented a fake hamstring injury for Le’Veon Bell in training camp and then cut him midseason for nothing in return. They ignored a very REAL injury to rookie Mekhi Becton and forced him to play against a Denver team that was starting the immortal Brett Rypien at quarterback. They lost. Their State Department mole of a DC also ordered a few extra dirty hits on the Broncos before finally, at long last, sabotaging his own defense three months later. They kicked a field goal while down 24-3 to a San Francisco team that came into that game with more casualties than World War I. Their best defensive player opted out and has only played two games in two years of a big contract. The Patriots just had their worst season in two decades last season but guess who they still managed to sweep in humiliating fashion? YOU GUESSED IT.

The good news—at least, for this team—is that Adam Gase was fired right after the season ended. Where is Adam Gase now? Is he living inside an abandoned NJ Transit car? Is he laying down groundwork to become a Reactionary Divorced Guy Who Hates Vaccines? Is he dead? See, I’d like to think that Gase is proceeding as if he was never fired at all and is currently sitting in an abandoned forest, game-planning for Week 1 against the Panthers. If he just keeps that nose to the grindstone, he’ll turn this bad boy around.

Your coach: I can’t believe it either but the Jets’ new head coach is good.

“BREAKDOWN!!!!! AGHHHHH!!!”

That’s former 49ers defensive coordinator Robert Saleh, who passed up the Lions gig to take this job. Saleh is a man of impeccable disposition who’s already established himself as highly competent in communication, game planning, hiring assistants, player development, and press relations. Absolutely NONE of that will matter. You know who else was competent? Todd Bowles. The Jets will suck every last fuck to give out of your poor soul. It happened to Bowles. It’ll happen to this poor bastard.

Do they have a Guy on the coaching staff? Jeff Ulbrich was a Guy long ago but you gotta dig deep for the memory to hit.

Your quarterback: Perpetual black lung victim Sam Darnold was traded to the Panthers for a 57th-round pick and an opened package of AA batteries. Every expert is predicting Darnold to get his shit together in 2021, not because he’s improved but because he’s no longer playing for the Jets, who trigger clinical depression in their own players. To replace history’s most amusing mono victim, the Jets went right ahead and drafted another vaccine truther in Zach Wilson.

Hello world, hear the song that we’re singin’
Come on, get happy
!!!

I think Zach Wilson is talented and yet I hate his face, which is cause for concern. Hard to believe you could replace a USC quarterback with someone who has even more ’80s rom-com villain energy. I look at Wilson and I feel like I just watched Jimmy Clausen come back from a trip to the groomer. Quick! Let’s take a look at the last ten QBs this team drafted in the first and second rounds!

  • Zach Wilson
  • Sam Darnold
  • Christian Hackenberg
  • Geno Smith
  • Mark Sanchez
  • Kellen Clemens
  • Chad Pennington
  • Browning Nagle
  • Ken O’Brien
  • Richard Todd

That list dates back to 1976. That’s my entire life. For 44 years, the Jets would have been better off taking a backup punter over every notable QB they’ve ever drafted. For the Jets’ entire lifespan their best QB is still Joe Namath, who sucked. I am willing to base my career projections for a QB prospect entirely on whether the Jets draft him or not, and I am fully justified in doing so. Tough titty for you, Zach Wilson. I would have opted for missionary work if I had been you.

By the way, the Jets still haven’t even signed Wilson yet. Your current alternatives are James Morgan and Mike White, the latter of whom was fabulous in Chuck & Buck. [Update: He’s signing.]

What’s new that sucks: This is a rebuilding year so nothing I’m about to tell you matters, but the Jets gave up their third rounder to move up and draft guard Alijah Vera-Tucker and then signed Morgan Moses off the scrap heap to help protect Wilson (who, again, is still not here). They also signed injury aficionado Tevin Coleman to take Bell’s place at tailback, along with wideout Corey Davis, who catches four long TDs a season and does absolutely nothing else. Fucking Corey Davis. I’m gonna hear about how Davis stretches the field 9,000 times a game, and Wilson will get his ass sacked immediately after every single mention of it.

So what we have here is a classic Jets team that will go a respectable 7-10 before it all turns back into a warm puddle of street diarrhea. BUT HEY! DADDY’S HOME!

By the way, Zach Wilson is nephew to the founder of JetBlue. Soon this organization will have failsons occupying EVERY level of employment. Can Eric Trump play free safety? We’re about to find out!

What has always sucked: This is the third offseason in a row that Chris Herndon is supposed to be the big breakout offensive player. Who is Chris Herndon? EXACTLY. He was a fourth-round tight end. How could he possibly be the potential shining light here? How fucking low do you have to be to invest any faith in Chris Herndon? It’s like a coke addict settling for a line of Tide powder and thinking that’ll do the job. I lived through the Anthony Becht years. I know how this works.

I know how ALL of this works. The Jets are a case study in borrowed interest. They pretend their airport changing room of a stadium was built for them, and not for the team that has titles people actually remember. They hire Bill Parcells 20 years too late and immediately act as if his Giants legacy is now theirs. They find Vinny Testaverde in a trash can and he turns out to be more capable than any other QB they’ve ever drafted. No one good on the Jets started there, but they sure as shit cease to be good once they arrive. Imagine thinking Corey Davis could THRIVE in this shithole. Imagine thinking anyone could.

But this is the kind of fanbase we’re dealing with here. This is Andrew Cuomo’s COVID mountain in human form. There’s nothing to brag about when you’re a Jets fan. The only time you people felt genuinely victorious was when Rudy Giuliani banged your mom. You’ve won nothing. You have no one. Everyone fucking hates you and, in fact, wishes genuine harm upon your body. And yet you people never shut the fuck up. Ever. I resent the fact that the Jets, simply by dint of being located next to New York, get national attention when they have all the history and ability of a fucking AAF squad and fans who think they’re all made men because they remember six lines from The Sopranos. I have no use for this Newark airport of sports teams. I hope the Jets get hit by a fucking comet.

What might not suck: Oh hey we found something you guys might actually win.

(Also, Wilson is really good. There, I just cursed him forever.)

Ratto says: Woody Johnson is back, which can mean that the answer to the philosophical question, “Can you win fewer games than none?” can finally be tackled in earnest. New coach Robert Saleh has volunteered to make this team be less Jets-y, but Zach Wilson handing off to Tevin Coleman tends to undermine that theory. BEST NAME TO HEAR ON TV: Foley Fatukasi.

HEAR IT FROM JETS FANS!

Greg:

It’s impossible to win a single argument as a Jets fan.

Jack:

I feel optimistic. There is no greater dread.

Jasper Wang:

I basically successfully forgot last year’s Jets, and as I’m re-reading the Wikipedia summary for last year I’m getting mad all over again.

Eric:

Sorry for trading away your son.

Ian:

I’m 35 years old and my greatest moment as a fan of this team was winning an XXXL Pennington jersey at TGI Friday’s trivia night.

Scott:

Several years ago, my wife told me, “If I treated you as bad as the Jets treat you, you’d have left me years ago.” She’s right.

Will:

Remember when all they had to do is keep being the Jets and lose to get Trevor Lawrence? 

Thomas:

Of course the Jets beat two playoff teams at the end of the year to fuck it all up.

Jeremy:

Connor:

We’ve replaced our large California Jock with a Mormon teenager who is absolutely going to break his collarbone in the first game. 

Brian:

They have better cornerbacks on their coaching staff than on their roster.

Lee:

Perhaps one of the players will bang Zach Wilson’s mom, catch COVID from her because she’s not vaccinated, it spreads through the locker room, and the players lose some game checks. Or maybe Woody comes back from London and Al Davises some rugby plays into the offensive scheme that results in all five O-linemen getting suspended.  These scenarios are both more likely than the Jets being good. 

Josh:

Gregggggg Williams, Week 13, All Out Blitz. That’s all I can remember from this dumpster fire of a season.

Kyle:

The Panthers will beat them with Sam Darnold throwing the game-winning TD pass. Mark my words. This team deserves all the punishment. This team deserves the worst. 

Ethan:

The last time the Jets made the playoffs with a head coach with an offensive background was in 1991, when the immortal Bruce Coslet/Ken O’Brien duo took us to 8-8 and we lost in the Wild Card game after scoring just 10 points.

Jon:

Fuck the Johnson family with all the recalled bottles of sunscreen.

Justin:

The Jets last winning season was in 2010. I was 29. I will have gone my entire 30s without seeing them put up a full winning season.

Jamie:

Fuck this team. Fuck the conveyor belt of forgettable coaches. Fuck Bill Belichick forever. Fuck Woody Johnson, fuck the Johnson & Johnson vaccine for maintaining the New York Jets legacy of somehow failing to meet even the lowest of expectations. Fuck CBS for making November NYJ-BUF matchups feel like watching a death march.

John:

Every fucking three years this team tries to sell the idea to their remaining fans that THIS time the QB they drafted won’t become the latest addition to the Jets Draft Blooper Reel, only for the experiment to end on a butt fumble or a ruptured spleenspimonoAIDS. The one year we DIDN’T draft a QB in the top 10 was the Mahomes/Watson year when we took a fucking safety because the bumbling assholes in charge thought Christian Hackenberg was The One.

William:

Almost 50 years later, the team and the fanbase still worship at the altar of Joe Namath, who managed to lead the team to a winning record three times in 12 seasons, threw for a whopping 50.1 career completion percentage, and had a 173/220 TD/INT ratio. 

Kyle:

These morons drafted – at best – the fourth best quarterback in this draft class with the second overall pick. At least I only have to wait three years for them to try again.

Nate:

Here’s a list of every jersey/T-shirt with a player’s name and number on back I own:

Chad Pennington
Curtis Martin
Mark Sanchez
Tim Tebow
Muhammad Wilkerson
Jamal Adams
Sam Darnold
Le’Veon Bell

I am 18 years old.

Evan:

The 17th game was solely added to make Jets fans disappointed one more week out of the year.

Connor:

I am unusually excited about Elijah Moore which means he will be used exclusively for bubble screens twice per game. Low point of the year will be Week 9 when Zach Wilson’s mom becomes Patient Zero for a Hoboken strain of Coronavirus.

Sean:

Here are my Top 5 moments in Jets fandom history:

1. Beating the Pats, at Gillette, in that 2010 AFC Divisional Game. I watched in a room full Massholes, in Boston. It is the closest that I’ve ever felt God’s love.

2. Super Bowl XLII.

3. Super Bowl XLVI.

4. The “Slapdick team/Goddamn snack” Hard Knocks clip.

5. Darnold memes.

They can go undefeated and win the Super Bowl 69-0; I no longer care.

Greg:

I’m not going to fact-check any of this, because the New York Jets don’t deserve it. 

The Jets were playing the Ravens and down a touchdown or so late in the game and needed seven yards for a first down with just a few minutes remaining. It was fourth down and Sanchez threw a six-yard out-route and the receiver didn’t even pretend to stretch for the first down and that was it. That was the end of the game. I took the remote and chucked it at a nearby wall and it shattered into a hundred pieces.

I try not to watch Jets games anymore. It’s not good for my health or the health of any intimate object near me. I hate them so much. Fuck the Jets and fuck all of the Giants fans that I went to school with that had a much better team year-in and year-out. I really have to root for the Jets and Mets for the rest of my life. And I’m also a Wizards fan somehow. Life is terrible.

Chad:

I didn’t watch the draft. I heard they drafted some white kid out of BYU to play QB, and after being a Jets fan for 30+ years I know for a fact that that kid will suck.

Chris:

I had a truly optimistic feeling about Zach Wilson, not the faux optimism I had with Darnold. One of those reasons was the presence of QB whisper, Greg Knapp. It finally felt like we had the right support staff in place for the right QB prospect. Welp, Knapp was just hit by a car and killed. This is not a joke and there are no winners (RIP).

David:

My cousin has been a season ticket holder for 35+ years. He held off on getting surgery on his broken ankle so he could afford season tickets (he wanted to wait until he was eligible for Medicare in two years), which ultimately resulted in his leg getting amputated below the knee. He still goes to every game and got a Jets logo welded onto the top of his prosthetic, and I still go with him despite all evidence saying that we should never go to another game ever again and watch this dumpster fire of a franchise.

The VP of my division, who I have never spoken to, sent me a handwritten holiday card that expressed sympathy for having to watch this god-forsaken team all season but that at least we would get to draft Trevor Lawrence. The Jets beat the Rams a few days later to lose the #1 overall pick.

Fuck Adam Gase, fuck Gregg Williams, fuck the Johnson brothers, fuck our inability to draft any sort of talent in the second round, fuck Brett Favre, fuck Pennington’s spaghetti noodle shoulder, fuck Doug Brien, and fuck the Pats forever.

Rand:

At least the Patriots dynasty is over.

Kevin:

Fuck Adam Gase with Sam Darnold’s anti-vax mono-riddled face. 

Ben:

Several years ago, my nephew was diagnosed with cancer and was going through radiation, chemo, the whole deal. Things were not looking good, so his parents looked into Make a Wish, which they thought would be a great way to take his mind off things and relieve some stress.

They talked with my nephew about it and he was very excited and immediately wanted to do something that involved the Jets. Now your mind may go to a couple of things: meet and hang out with Joe Namath at a Jets game, maybe Wayne Chrebet, maybe even Bill Parcells. I mean obviously I’d go with Namath even though he’s maybe the most overrated player in the Hall of Fame.

Did my cancer ridden nephew go with ANY of those choices?

FUCK AND NO.

He went with……..FIREMAN ED.

When my brother told me this over the phone I actually yelled “Are you fucking KIDDING me?! What the hell? Joe Namath is RIGHT FUCKING THERE!” Admittedly this was the absolute wrong way to react, and I deeply regret it and have apologized to my brother a number of times and we actually laugh about it.

But at the time, not so much. There were a couple of pointed conversations until my sister pointed out that none of this was about me, all of it was about my nephew who was being fucked by cancer. And if meeting and getting to hang out with Fireman Ed for a few hours and getting to wear his helmet was even a momentary distraction from his misery and pain, then I better shut the fuck up and behave myself. Which I did.

My nephew had a wonderful time, the Jets gave him a bunch of jerseys, footballs, and bobbleheads. He got to go to the locker room and tour the stadium and hang out with Fireman Ed who wasn’t ENTIRELY terrible and yes, Wayne Chrebet. My nephew has been in remission for over seven years.

But FUCK Fireman Ed.

Wanna be part of the Defector NFL previews? It’s simple. Just email me here and tell me why your team sucks. Next up: Houston Texans.