What’s The Largest Squirrel You Could Beat In A Fight?

Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. And buy Drew’s new novel while you’re at it. Today, we’re talking about Kit Kats, Jeopardy!, athlete politicians, overweight coaches, and more. Drew is off this week.

Hello, everyone. Sorry to let you down, but Drew is on vacation this week, which means I’ve been bestowed the honor of hosting the last Funbag of 2020. My name is Rohan Nadkarni, and I’m a staff writer at Sports Illustrated, where I’m known for writing immensely popular stories such as this one. Drew selected me to finish out this absolute abomination of a year after a robust selection process (we texted about it and he really wanted to take a vacation), so with that in mind, let’s get to your questions!

Luke:

Luke, as the owner of a 14-pound, Chihuahua/min-pin dog named Boba (aka Bobatino, aka Little Guy with a Big Butt, aka Brazilian soccer star Bobatinho), I’m here to say that we in general need to be more afraid of animals. If my dog decided one day to bite me as hard as he could and then run away at top speed, I would be pretty powerless. I already look like one of the old people from a Life Alert commercial when I try to wrangle Boba in the apartment and he runs to hide under the coffee table. 

What are the terms of this fight with a squirrel? Are you meeting in a ring/octagon? Is it a random encounter happening in the woods? I like your chances better inside of a human-made structure because that mitigates the squirrel’s speed. If the squirrel has home-field advantage, it merely needs to injure and scurry repeatedly and you would be in danger of a Leo in The Revenant situation. 

Another difference between you and the squirrel is that in a fight, you’re probably trying to get the squirrel to run away. However, once things get physical, make no mistake, that squirrel would like nothing more than to gnaw on a walnut over your dead body. 

Ultimately, I do think you could probably get away with kicking a three-foot squirrel enough to survive. But once that thing reaches the 3-foot-6 mark, if it still has its quickness and explosive first step, my money is on the rodent. 

Ben:

First of all, congratulations to your girlfriend, who is eating my dream diet. During the pandemic, I too reintroduced myself to the love of my life: cereal. After years of missed connections and charged glances at the grocery store, we both finally gave in to our passions this year. And my latest torrid affair with Golden Grahams was just as passionate as it was when I was a teenager. 

As far as your living situation, this is a little complicated. Your girlfriend is obviously in charge of her own body and what she wants to put in it. My only question about her eating habits is have they always been this way? Or did the changes start after the pandy hit? Because frankly, I especially don’t think anybody should be judged for the dietary choices they’ve made during what’s been a months-long mental health crisis. 

Now, as far as your own PTSD of eating habits goes, that’s a very real problem. As someone who once went through the trouble of losing 50 pounds, I know how difficult it can be to be around foods that make you want to spiral, so to speak. I’ve had to have awkward conversations with friends or skip out on plans entirely just to keep myself away from eating things that would throw me off track. I generally go out of my way from keeping snacks in my apartment for this exact reason. 

Instead of framing it as advice, have you told your girlfriend about your own experience with food? Have you told her about how the items in the house are affecting your own body as opposed to hers? I think that’s a much more appropriate conversation to have and one that would resonate with her more than whatever concerns you have about her diet. 

Gillian:

Gillian, by any chance are you dating Yankees slugger Giancarlo Stanton? 

The Hershey thing actually doesn’t bother me much; after all, the song doesn’t go “Break me off a piece of that Her-shey bar!” But as far as the Kit Kat goes, yeah, your boyfriend is an absolute pervert. This is a man who loves sex and nudity. They even make those thicc, single-bar Kit Kats for people like your boyfriend specifically so they could be part of a different Kit Kat eating society. I am typically not one to shame anyone for their eating habits (see: the above question) but 99 percent of the fun of a Kit Kat is snapping off one of the bars! There is something so deeply satisfying about getting a clean edge on your Kit Kat. Biting into one simply shows no regard for order, cleanliness, or the accepted rules of a society that admittedly may be fundamentally flawed. I hope the lease you share with this guy is month-to-month. 

Allison:

Allison! First and foremost, I’m very happy you’re living your truth, and I hope you are receiving support from those around you as you go through this process. 

Your question is a great one for modern society, and if I had to answer, I would say no. Setting aside the cancellations that happen to our more famous and/or public counterparts, I would say rarely do cis people feel real consequences of bigotry they’ve perpetuated. If it does happen, it usually takes highly atypical circumstances, like this story about a high schooler who lost her spot at Tennessee after a classmate leaked a video of her using a racial slur. 

In other situations, I feel as if the average cis person is either unaware of the bigotry they’ve perpetuated, or at the other end of the spectrum, feels really guilty about it. That guilt is not nothing. Living with shame of your past actions can often drive you to be a better person. I know that in my past I’ve said things that were heinously ignorant, and I like to believe today I strive to be as inclusive a person as possible. 

The problem is that guilt doesn’t necessarily, if at all, mitigate the hurt you’ve caused. I’m a firm believer in restorative justice. I think people who’ve done horrible things still deserve a chance to be a productive member of society. The issue we have right now is bridging the gap between people who want to be better and the victims of their wrongdoings. As much as we can try to be better people, people who’ve made mistakes also have to accept that sometimes those they’ve wronged may never be the same because of the hurt they’ve caused. I don’t know what we do about that!

I wish I had a neater answer for you. The shame you feel about bigotry you may have joined in on in the past is its own consequence. But it may not be one that’s powerful enough. 

Dave:

Dave, sorry to burst your bubble because this question was obviously meant for Drew. I do find it hilarious that you consider Drew, a self-described capitalist, as “progressive.” If I tried to become an elected official in either California (where I currently reside) or Florida (where I grew up), I’d probably have a decent shot at the state legislature, and I’m actually convinced I could make it to the House of Representatives. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has kind of set the blueprint for how people from everyday backgrounds can get into politics. If I got even one tweet from a member of The Squad about my brave campaign against the threat of killer squirrels and of taxing the rich, I could generate enough support as an anti-establishment candidate who is truly for the people. My campaign slogan would be “Stop biting into that Kit Kat, you sicko!”

HALFTIME!

Mark:

I would love to use this power to go back in time one year and explain to scientists how to make the COVID-19 vaccine, but the truth is no matter how many artfully designed graphics people in their 20s post to their Instagram story, I still have no idea how the thing works. Thank you for posting a colorful slideshow about how mRNA vaccines work, Jennifer, but I’m still clicking through that thing without reading a single word. All I know is that I’m ready to get shot in the ass while leaning over a toilet in a bathroom stall Jose Canseco–style if that’s what it takes to see my family again. I’m ready to get Juiced. 

The more I thought about this question, the more I realized many of the technological advances we enjoy in 2020 are bullshit. Do I definitely enjoy my iPhone? Also, the majority of these so-called “advancements” have really come to the benefit of a de facto ruling class, and have greatly helped in increasing income inequality.

So using my average American knowledge, in lieu of going back to the 1900s and giving those racists the internet, I would simply go back to February 2004, and instead of letting Mark Zuckerberg invent Facebook, I would take him to the nearest brothel so he could exchange money for sex instead of creating a website to spite women. Imagine a world without Facebook. Your uncle can’t send you a news story about how someone saying your name while you sleep can give you brain damage. Our elections wouldn’t be compromised. And we’d never have to see Zuckerberg’s haircut. I bet Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t even bite into his Kit Kats. He probably sucks the chocolate off, saves the wafers, and calls them his babies. 

Ed:

Sorry to add insult to injury, Ed, but it took only one phone call to a friend of mine to hear a similar story. I don’t think there are any novel ways to get hit in the nuts anymore. If there’s a way to inflict pain on testicles, whether on accident or purpose, man has done it. The only way left to be “hit” in the nuts is to be strapped to a chair by a supervillain with a laser slowly creeping up to your groin. Every time that has almost happened, the villain has been foiled while explaining their scheme for world domination. If you want to make the encyclopedia, you’re going to have to let Goldfinger finish the job. 

Scott:

Drew’s most Trumpian quality is that he also loves mayonnaise. Because he is not here to defend himself, I can say ol’ Mayo Magary loves nothing more than big, honking scoops of mayo on everything he eats. Pretty sure he moisturizes with Miracle Whip.

As for me, like Trump, I genuinely love giving people nicknames. While none of mine are as angry as “Rocket Man” or “Sleepy Joe,” what I miss the most about being in an office is eventually settling on some kind of shorthand for almost every single one of my co-workers. I take pride in creating long-lasting nicknames. I started calling my friend Yoni “Yon Capone” when we were teenagers and the moniker has stuck for well over a decade. As soon as I’m allowed to see people again, I’m calling them by everything except their names. 

Will:

He’s been, if only to see if he can build a golf course or hotel on or over the reason the space exists as a national park in the first place. Because Trump is a big baby, he definitely complained the whole way on the drive to the park, then was in awe as soon as he got there. 

David: 

There is no such thing as a two-album fluke, especially in 2020. Two whole albums worth of good music is equivalent to like, 4,845 viral TikToks. If you can make two good albums in today’s day and age, you may not be rich, but you’re definitely not a fluke. 

Jonathan:

You overthought this one, Jonathan. The answer is still Ken Jennings. He’s obviously smart, and his social media presence would make it appear he’d approach the proceedings with an even more biting wit than Trebek. Jennings was already announced as the interim host for the first set of post-Trebek interviews, and that’s no coincidence. I’d be pretty surprised if he didn’t get the gig.

But because there are enough white men hosting things, I’ll throw out a couple other names:

• Hasan Minhaj. South Asians are always winning quiz shows, but never hosting. So let’s turn the tables and let Minhaj host, even though he only scored a 1310 on his SATs. Bum. 

• Hilaria Baldwin. Jeopardy! could use a strong, immigrant voice to usher in a new era. 

Lisa:

Lisa, don’t forget Ohio Rep. Anthony E. Gonzalez! Though he admittedly had a largely forgettable football career as one of Peyton Manning’s sacrificial lambs running across the middle of the field for the Colts, he’s been in the House of Representatives since 2018. 

I would love to say a great athlete will eventually enter politics. I would definitely trust LeBron as president. Or somebody like Celtics swingman Jaylen Brown, who is thoughtful, articulate, and grounded in his critiques of America. Unfortunately, that’s not the society we live in. All it takes to make it in politics is to be loud-mouthed, ignorant, and have a creepily passionate fanbase that’s willing to overlook any of your missteps. So please get yourself ready for Senator Dabo Swinney. (Shout out to my friend Ashley Fetters who named Dabo immediately when I described the kind of person who would be elected in 2020.)

Dabo is just aw-shucksy enough to get away with some of his more sinister beliefs. There’s no way he wouldn’t win a political seat in South Carolina. With his questionable actions on racism (like retaining a coach who used the N-word) or the pandemic (criticizing Florida State for canceling a game), Swinney would fit right in with the Republican party. He would be an absolute disaster of a senator, and yet somehow I still see that as a more viable option for Dabo than NFL coach. 

Jess:

Please give an “OK” after each sequence of numbers! How else am I supposed to know you’ve retained the information??? This is especially important with names. Every time I spell out my last name for someone, it’s almost always the first time they’ve heard in their life. If they don’t at the very least give me the OK—or even better, repeat it back to me—I have no confidence they are getting the spelling right. So please, let’s all agree to be active listeners from this point forward. Signed, Rohan Madkami. 

Alex:

Let people be fans! Getting a new team is very exciting, and this period of hope is arguably the best time to be a fan. Expansion squads—Vegas hockey excluded—almost always suck right away. Enjoy it before the crushing despair of loss after loss takes over. Also, even if the team does eventually suck ass for decades, some people have built their entire personality over their teams sucking and/or being “dramatic.” Seahawks fans love to act like every game of theirs is torture when they’ve been overwhelmingly successful since Russell Wilson was drafted. Knicks and Mets fans wouldn’t know what to do if a good team slapped them in the face. They prefer to be performatively miserable on the internet as opposed to, you know, not watching. 

Brett:

Thank you for bringing up Ryan Fitzpatrick, who is currently the No. 1 enemy in my household (which consists of only me). The Dolphins finally did something right this year by drafting Tua Tagovailoa. I supported the team’s effort to tear down the roster last year. I even supported them when they didn’t start Tua right away like some other rookie quarterbacks. But what I don’t support is the team taking Tua out every time he struggles only to turn things over to a retread who has been decidedly average his entire professional career. I don’t care if Ryan Fitzpatrick gets us to the playoffs! I really don’t! This franchise will only go as far as Tua can take them, so for the love of god, please let him play.

As for Fitzpatrick, I don’t have much to say about his kids. I did find an article from last season that mentioned how all of his kids are exactly two years apart. That’s a little intense. Fitz and his wife are absolutely on top of when she’s ovulating. They are running a legit baby factory over there. Maybe he can finally fucking retire and go spend some time with all of them. 

Jim:

I don’t know if slippers are bullshit as much as Jim is lazy. You just outlined the perfect solution, then said how you eschew that option anyway. And honestly, I get it. As an adult who lives alone, oftentimes I know what the right thing to do is and opt for the lazier option anyway. That’s how I ended up with a zucchini that turned to literal dust in my vegetable drawer last week. As a Californian, I can’t claim to know the nuances of slipper wearing in cold weather. It’s possible you also just have some sweaty-ass feet. But just get into the habit of wearing those wool socks, even if it takes an extra 15 seconds, and your problem is solved. 

Jeff:

I have not done a study of the fitness of professional coaches, but I’m not sure you’re right about the cross-sport comparison. While it is funny to me when rotund coaches are asking their players to be in tip-top shape, I am in no position to judge them. My hours are not crazy and come with low stress, I too have access to a gym, and yet I have also opted for that second Snickers ice cream bar instead of a set of push-ups. Also, what fun would Andy Reid be if he was skinny? It’s way more fun to imagine him imitating the Kool-Aid Man as the Chiefs hang 50 on another defenseless opponent. 

Tyler:

Do you also bite into your Kit Kats?