The Winner Of The World Cup Is Little Smooches
9:01 AM EST on December 19, 2022
In the world's biggest sports tournament, with billions of eyes upon you, what is a man to do with all of these emotions? For there are so many emotions, usually pushed down, but bubbling out at every phase, threatening to squeeze out your eyes, daring you to lie prostrate, begging you to scream. There are many good ways to release these emotions, but none are as nice as a little smooch.
Crying is beautiful, and screaming is cathartic, but a little smooch? That's amore. That's winner shit, bay-bee. That's what the people want. Sure, we want goals. But isn't it more fun to hold the trophy as a stand-in for your dick? Isn't it more exciting to lift up your teammate in The Notebook pose and hold him there, on the pitch, in front of billions of people, to let the sexual tension bleed out into the air? A little smooch can spark a thousand conversations and, in this World Cup, the players seemed to understand this.
So here are some of the great smooches from this year's tournament:
Kissing The Ball
The ball, you might think, is gross. And you are right. People are kicking it around. People are very sweatily picking it up out of bounds and throwing it back in. People are smacking their foreheads against it. But to love is to ignore gross. You must kiss the ball.
Here is Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo kissing the ball:
Here is Argentina's Rodrigo De Paul kissing the ball.
Here is Morocco's goalkeeper Yassine Bounou kissing the ball:
And here is one of the smoochiest boys of all, France's Kylian Mbappé, kissing the ball very gently:
Kissing Each Other
What better way to show that you are grateful to your teammate, or your coach, or your player, or your enemy than giving them one little smooch?
Here is Argentina's manager Lionel Scaloni kissing Messi on the head:
Here are two Croatian players having a little forehead kiss after winning the quarterfinal against Brazil:
Here is Messi (King of Smooches) maybe kissing goalkeeper Emiliano Martínez in the quarterfinals? It could be just a hug, but I choose to believe it was also a little kiss:
Here is Morocco's Azzedine Ounahi kissing his teammate Romain Saiss:
Here is Brazil's Thiago Silva kissing a coach's head!:
Here is Eden Hazard of Belgium kissing his substitute, Leandro Trossard:
Here is Morocco's Jawad El Yamiq kissing Portugal's Pepe after he missed a header! That's gratitude!
Let's zoom in on that:
Wow. So beautiful.
Here is France's Olivier Giroud and Kylian Mbappé doing a totally non-kissing celebration. They didn't smooch here. But they could have. They should have.
After losing the final to Argentina, Giroud did give Mbappé a little kiss on the neck:
Kiss The Hardware
The final option for smooching is one available only to the winners: Kissing the trophies. Argentina, luckily, never misses an opportunity to kiss.
Here is Messi kissing the World Cup Trophy!
Here is Nicolás Otamendi kissing his winner's medal:
Here is Emiliano Martínez kissing the Golden Glove:
Let's see another angle on that.
In conclusion, congratulations to Argentina, Los Reyes de los Besos!