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The Los Angeles Dodgers revealed new "City Connect" alternate uniforms Thursday, which the team will debut on the field Friday night against the visiting Mets. Evidently taking inspiration from the NFL's Color Rush uniforms and possibly also from the solid-color medical scrubs collection at a local uniform supply company, these new City Connect Dodgers uniforms are all blue, that bold Dodger blue, from head to toe. The Dodgers have some of the prettiest and most iconic uniforms in baseball, but because apparel companies need to run out new items from time to time, this weekend the Dodgers will look like inverted Smurfs.

Violet Beauregarde shows off the new Dodgers alternate uniforms.
Violet Beauregarde shows off the new Dodgers alternate uniforms.
Violet Beauregarde shows off the new Dodgers alternate uniforms.YouTube

These stupid ugly uniforms are "designed to explore [the] franchise’s connection to its city and fanbase’s distinct personalities, values, customs and traditions," according to a blog on Dodger Insider. The exploration is done in this case via a couple poorly considered and sloppily executed nods. The sleeve openings are "accented by a pop of spray paint as a nod to the city’s street art culture," but in fact from more than a few inches away just look like they've been dipped in used motor oil:

The other "connect" element of these dumb pieces of crap is "Los Dodgers," scrawled across the jerseys and the caps. This is meant to "salute the team’s connection to its Latino fanbase," but they even fucked that part up: A really sweet and fascinating part of the team's relationship to its Latino fanbase is the nickname "Los Doyers," which has been used by generations of Dodgers fans and has even been formally acknowledged by the team, which trademarked “Los Doyers” back in 2010. Lon Rosen, Dodgers Executive Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer, told the Pasadena Star-News back in 2013 that the team embraces "the cultural significance of the term ‘Doyers’ used throughout Los Angeles and even by our own players," calling it "part of the club's identity." But now that the team is rolling out an alternate uniform in a stunt meant to juice Nike's apparel sales, the best they can do to gesture at their Latino fanbase is cram the word "Los" in there.

Tellingly, no attempt is made to explain how wearing hideous blue pants and looking like a troop of lost phlebotomists in any way connects these ghastly alternates to the city. That's because the all-blue look—this is the first time in franchise history the team has worn blue pants—is very obviously a way of making sure that everyone will notice the City Connect jerseys and the ugly and perplexing "Los Dodgers" hat, the only parts of this mess that an apparel company has any realistic shot at selling. No one in control of their own wardrobe goes around wearing all-blue baseball pants.

The genie from Aladdin wears the Dodgers' new blue pants.
I knew I'd seen those blue pants somewhere.
I knew I'd seen those blue pants somewhere.YouTube

We must immediately shut down the entire alternate uniform operation across all sports until we can figure out what the hell is going on. These things are terrible.

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