Sam Darnold has a reassuring habit of overperforming when expectations are nonexistent. That was a trait that came in handy for him in the role of bridge quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings in 2024, and he’ll have to bank on it again now that the Seattle Seahawks have inked him to a three-year deal in the Baker Mayfield range of pay. If you’re a fan of the Seahawks, you’re probably not all that excited by this move. In fact, you might very well be stumped, if not apoplectic. You might be like WELL FUCK A DUCK WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?
This is somewhat understandable. Darnold crapped out as a No. 3 overall pick by the Jets before heading to Minnesota last season and waging one of the more unlikely Pro Bowl campaigns in league history, throwing for 35 TDs and more than 4,000 yards as the Vikings went a gaudy 14-3. Darnold even beat these same Seahawks, in Seattle, with a big-boy TD pass to Justin Jefferson in the waning minutes. In the rain. On a busted leg. It was enough to make you wonder if Darnold, and not rookie J.J. McCarthy, was the answer at QB that Minnesota fans had been waiting for. And if you weren’t a Vikings fan, you could at least drool over the prospect of your team landing this man in free agency. If you told a Seahawks fan after that Minnesota loss that they were getting THAT Darnold, they’d be psyched.
They are no longer psyched.
After leading the Vikings to within 60 minutes of the top seed in the NFC playoff field, our hero turned back into jet-green diarrhea. He lost his fastball during a Week 18 shellacking at the hands of a Lions team missing 42 key defenders (rough estimate), and then followed that faceplant up with an even more egregious one in the Wild Card round against the Rams. Darnold went 43-of-81 for 411 yards in those two losses. He threw just one touchdown pass, committed a pair of turnovers, and was sacked 11 times. Fuck.
This man has earned the right to be judged by a larger sample size, but anyone who watched those two season-defining games knew innately that he was the reason that Minnesota lost them. That was the REAL Sam Darnold you saw in January. Everything that happened before that was an illusion. The fact that the Vikings let Darnold walk for nothing today only reinforces the notion. Expectations for this man are right back in the toilet.
Which means the Seahawks may have gotten themselves a bargain, for 16 games at least. After all, Seattle was itself the recent beneficiary of the QB rejuvenation complex, with former Jets bust Geno Smith magically turning into a reliable, Pro Bowl-caliber passer for them long after the rest of the league had left Smith for dead. And what’s this? The Seahawks also just cut ties with a pair of signature wideouts in Tyler Lockett and DK Metcalf, the latter of whom is the exact kind of downfield threat that would be a perfect match for Darnold and his big fat sex cannon of an arm! That's not good!
It gets even bleaker! Seattle also had the second-worst O-line in football last season, and they just entrusted play-kalling duties to Klint Kubiak, who was fired after just one year on that same job in both Minnesota and New Orleans! Also, no one in Seattle is sure if their new head coach is any good, but they suspect he probably isn’t! They’re FUCKED! They are super, duper, ultra MEGA-fucked! They’re so fucked that Jeff Bezos might not want to even buy them anymore! (PA announcer voice) And here come the LOLs!
But guess what? This is just how Sam Darnold likes it. Go ahead and laugh at this move. Play around with the "Out Indefinitely" meme generator and list Darnold as "Gone Off That Flat White." Pick the Seahawks to finish DFL in the NFC West. Sam Darnold will have the penultimate laugh, buddy boy! Mark my words! Onward and lateralward!
