Report: Aaron Rodgers “Open” To Possessing God-Like Dominion Over Earth, Sea

Now that the NFL’s free agency market is open, everyone is dying to know: Where will Aaron Rodgers end up? This is the ONLY free agency move any of us care about, and yet a resolution has proven frighteningly elusive. The reason? EVERYBODY wants to hire this man.

Don’t believe me? Dianna Russini of The Athletic is saying that Rodgers is “intrigued” by the idea of playing in Minnesota. And Peter Schrager of NFL Network told his audience that Rodgers might sign with the Steelers, but needs “up to four weeks” to make his decision, and that the Steelers are “giving him some space” to think it through. An uncharacteristically terse Adam Schefter says that the Giants “want” him. That’s a lot of suitors! But which of them will go all in to secure the services of this four-time MVP? Or will a surprise contender—Kansas City?—emerge from out of nowhere? WE NEED AN ANSWER, DAMMIT!

Alas, this process is far more nuanced than any of us can grasp. Dan Duggan of The Athletic reports that “the courting of Rodgers has been shrouded in mystery.” Schrager says that Rodgers will “dictate the timeline,” of his decision, doing his own research to see which team is the exact right fit for him. UFL assistant coach Gregg Williams told me that Rodgers has interviewed with “dozens of teams; you’d be surprised.”

But then Amazon’s Charissa Thompson told me that Rodgers is “exploring” high-profile work outside of football. Say what?

That’s right. It’s not merely QB-needy teams that are knocking down Rodgers’s sweat-lodge flap. Rodgers’s fellow Cal grad Mike Silver is now saying that the surefire Hall of Famer is “seriously contemplating” an offer to run the entire UC higher education system, while a cagey Maggie Haberman told Defector that Rodgers “might have his sights set on an even higher profile position” within his home state. The now-retired Peter King tells me that Rodgers is "open" to taking over as lead singer of Queen, but “still needs time to reflect on it." Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, a Vatican official who asked to remain anonymous reported that Rodgers, despite being a self-proclaimed "Orthodox Buddhist," will “absolutely” be considered in conclave should Pope Francis’s health continue to decline.

“Everything is on the table,” a deceased Tim Russert told me over the phone. “Everything.”

But for now, you and I can only wait on Rodgers as he ponders his options. I’ve heard that Pat McAfee will tell his audience today that his friend “is currently in Mallorca, or some other prissy European country” talking with his closest friends about his next move. A.J. Hawk told me, using only his eyes, that Rodgers went to Alaska for an “ice castle retreat” to clear his addled mind. But Cindy Adams of the New York Post then told me that her spies saw Rodgers “canoodling” along the French Riviera with a single Jennifer Garner, and that love could possibly factor into his decision.

But Rodgers isn’t one to let relationships cloud his judgment. That’s why I can exclusively report that, just last week, Rodgers was in Zurich, in close talks with Illuminati officials to lead their plans for world domination. In fact, officials there spent over nine hours interviewing Rodgers in an airport Hilton, and were “blown away” by the quarterback’s plans to poison our reservoirs, burn down our schools, and force all of us to bake our cakes using only spelt flour. They came out of that meeting all but certain Rodgers would sign with them. However, just like the rest of us, they now find themselves waiting. And waiting. Meanwhile, America’s Quarterback continues to ponder his options…

Sources tell me that Rodgers farted not long after this photograph was taken.