Oh, Shut The Fuck Up

Hmm, it appears that the nation’s economy is collapsing at Timberwolves-like speed. That big fat trade war that the U.S. launched a few days ago has quickly proven to have the opposite of its intended(?) effect, with every market plunging and every American’s last dollar being fed into a paper shredder. Let’s see what the man responsible for starting that tariff-off has to say about the crisis at hand:

“These countries are calling us up, kissing my ass… They are dying to make a deal.” The president went on to mock the tariff-deal supplicants, pretending to be them as he pitifully pleaded in a simpering voice: “Please, Sir, make a deal. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything, Sir.”

Oh, shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up. Is that so hard? Why can’t you shut up for just two seconds? What, will you break your fucking arm somehow if you accidentally encounter silence? What kind of old man talks this much? When I’m your age, I’ll say a grand total of eight words a year, and those eight words will be the most profound shit you’ve ever heard. Meanwhile, we got President Dumptruck here getting blasted with the makeup cannon and then taking the stage to spew jabberwocky like this:

Then in 1913, for reasons unknown to mankind, they established the income tax so that citizens, rather than foreign countries, would start paying the money necessary to run our government. Then in 1929, it all came to a very abrupt end with the Great Depression, and it would have never happened if they had stayed with the tariff policy; it would have been a much different story.

None of that is true. But what do you care, Chatty Cathy? All that matters to you is that you keep flapping your big meaty lips until even folks on the West Coast can smell the day-old quarter pounder with cheese on your breath. Every time you open your mouth, you make everything worse. You order toast for breakfast and the hotel’s kitchen suddenly bursts into flames. Donald Sterling is in sheer awe of your anti-powers. Your voice is its own tax.

So imagine, President Shit For Brains, if you shut the fuck up for a week. Just one week. I know that imagining things is a stretch for you, so I’m gonna tell you what would happen: The stock market would triple in value, eggs would be free at every supermarket, and the amount of carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere would fall to 40 parts per million. RAINBOWS! THERE WOULD BE RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE, ALL BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T SPEAK. Isn’t that incredible? Wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing, you big, adobe house-looking motherfucker?

And the worst part is that all of the meatbags working for you won’t stop talking, either! That means you, Karoline Leavitt. What do you have to say now that even Elon Musk is unhappy with this tariff shit?

These are obviously two individuals who have very different views on trade and on tariffs. Boys will be boys, and we will let their public sparring continue. And you guys should all be very grateful that we have the most transparent administration in history.

Oh, shut the fuck up. The two boys you’re talking about here have a combined age of 131. I’m a boy compared to these zombies, and I got hair in my ears longer than the hair on your head. Just because we have freedom of speech doesn’t mean you need to use it every. Waking. Second. Know what I mean? Of course you don’t. You’re too busy talking on speakerphone while you’re taking a shit.

And you, Kristi Noem! What are you doing in this video here, looking like TJ Maxx Rambo and telling everyone, “Spent the morning in Phoenix with our brave @ICEgov and Arizona law enforcement arresting these dirtbags and getting them off of our streets.” Pfft. Who did you arrest holding your rifle like that? Little Red Riding Hood? Alec Baldwin handles firearms more responsibly than you do. Just shut the fuck up and do your job. Correctly. That goes for you too, Coach Citrus Bowl. Where are you on the burgeoning depression we’re all staring down right now?

Oh, shut the fuck up. You know how predictable your act is? I could have written this soundbite for you and then stabbed myself in the eyeball with my pen afterward.

And what about President Asshole’s little chipmunk sidekick, JD Vance? Where you at, hillbilly boy? I bet you’re shitting your diaper now that your bossman has cost all of your benefactors billions of dollars. You gonna try to help us out? Oh, you’re doing the racism thing. Brilliant. Fan-fucking-tastic. Top notch effort from you, Middletown. Please shut the fuck up. We all know that you already regret taking this gig, kid. We saw your texts, BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T EVEN KEEP THOSE PRIVATE. Oh, thank god for the transparency! Now I’ll be able to see when Xi Jinping is about to nuke us! #Blessed!

None of you people were built for this. You’re all unqualified, overwhelmed, and dumber than a post. And you think that standing behind a mic and going Hurrr durrr every other country has a smaller dick than us because of these policies will make you Patton. Well, President Kidney Failure, telling everyone you’re the greatest leader who ever led doesn’t make it so. Quite the contrary. People voted for you because they were bored. Now you’re gonna bleed them dry, all while small-talking them to death. Don’t you ever get tired of talking? Don’t you run out of saliva? Is there a strategic gland reserve that you and your cronies are skimming from to keep your maws properly lubricated? You pieces of shit are wasting words, and that offends me as a professional wordsmith. I choose my words carefully before writing them down, because that’s what people are supposed to do. They are not meant to be sentient word clouds, crying "FREEDOM!" the second a process server knocks on their door.

But that’s what you morons do, because spouting off is the only thing you know how to do. You’re destroying the English language, a feat that not even Ryan Murphy himself could manage despite his tireless efforts. So, before you’ve successfully rendered both America and basic human communication extinct, allow me to talk for just one moment. I only need eight words, and here they are:

Everyone, everywhere, would be better off without you.