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This Is So Stupid

If The Dallas Stars Are Truly Patriotic, They’ll Play The National Anthem 50 Times Before Each Game

Mark Pysyk #13 of the Dallas Stars and Denis Gurianov #34 of the Dallas Stars take the ice against the Chicago Blackhawks at American Airlines Center on February 09, 2021 in Dallas, Texas.
Photo: Tom Pennington/Getty Images

Earlier this week Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban confirmed to The Athletic that his team had stopped playing the national anthem before games this season, although today it seems that the NBA might force them to obey the “longstanding league policy.” The hockey team in Dallas, which shares an arena with the Mavs, saw this as an opportunity to get people to care about them.

Here was a chance for the Dallas Stars to prove how much they loved America. So, they tweeted this sobering statement, which announced that an American pro sports team, like almost every other American pro sports team, was going to continue doing what it had been doing all along.

This may seem brave to some, but don’t be fooled by the virtue signaling. All this proves is that the Stars are sheep who will follow the league’s restrictions by playing the pregame national anthem once. If this sham of an NHL team actually wants to demonstrate that it’s proud to represent Texas as well as the country, before each game it must play “The Star-Spangled Banner” 50 times, one for each state. To do anything else would not properly honor America and its citizens.

Some might say that this would cut into the preparation for each game. That’s exactly right. To compensate for the approximately 110 minutes dedicated to this expanded patriotic ceremony, the Stars will surrender their whole warmup period before puck drop. All players, coaches, and staff will be expected to stand for all 50 performances of the anthem.

Opponents can remain in the locker room if they do not want to participate, but Dallas Stars fans, or those who are truly supportive of their team, anyway, will be expected to show up before the first playing of the national anthem and be at attention for the entire duration. Those who attempt to use the bathroom during this time will be charged with a second-degree felony. They may buy concessions, however.

As a matter of fact, there’s no need to limit these traditions to before the game. After every home win, the three stars of the game will be ordered to return to the ice, which will feature a big American flag on a pole waiting to be smooched. After an overtime or playoff victory, fondling the flag is permitted. Those who do not obey will be charged with a third-degree felony.

The puck (America) is in the Dallas Stars’ zone. Will they find the breakout pass (patriotism) or squander the man advantage (mean to national anthem)?