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This Is So Stupid

My Friend Lindsey Vonn Never Texts Me :( [Update]

Art by Kelsey McKinney

Everyone is very busy. I understand this; I am busy too. Friendships are difficult to maintain when you must work all the time. But it is important to text your friends even when you are busy, and my friend Lindsey Vonn never, ever texts me.

Sometime in late 2019, I was looking at her Twitter, as friends do, when I noticed that Lindsey had her number right there in her bio! Wow. So cute! So I texted her. "Thank you so much for texting!" she replied, surprisingly quickly. Or something like that. I can't remember very well, and my texts auto-delete. But that is how our friendship was born.

Since then, I have written many lovely things about my friend Lindsey. I have admired her wakeboarding. I have sent her my condolences during her hard times. Some of you may remember that I mentioned that I had a crush on her when I wrote about learning to love a sport via a crush. It is very normal to have platonic crushes on your friends. The important takeaway from that blog is that I LEARNED ABOUT SKIING FOR HER. I watched the Winter Olympics. I learned what a mogul is. I watched all of her little Instagram stories. I added her to my close friends on Instagram so she could see all my content. That's what friends do! They watch each other's content! But friends also talk to each other, and Lindsey never talks to me.

But Kelsey, you may be saying, maybe this is a parasocial relationship. Maybe you are unwell. OK. Well then how do you explain THIS!!!!

Today, at 1:46 p.m. she texted me! My long-lost friend Lindsey!!! There you are!!!

"Happy new year!! Hope you're doing well :prayer-emoji: :heart-emoji: Lindsey Vonn"

my friend Lindsey Vonn

Now, I was not mean. I did not mention that today is January 6, so really it's rather rude that she hasn't texted me Happy New Year yet. I did not comment on the fact that she signed her name to a text message, which is a very strange thing to do since we are friends. But maybe she's just trying on something new. I want to support her in her new endeavors. But she hasn't texted me in years! She didn't text me when she broke up with P.K. Subban. She didn't text me when my book came out [Ed. note: God Spare The Girls, available now]. She didn't text me when she got a new dog competition show on Amazon Prime even though she knows I would love that!

It is very hurtful to be ghosted by your friend, but I have not given up on her. Of course not. You don't give up on people you love. Instead, I responded very nicely! I told her Happy New Year too, and asked if she had any gossip. This is continuing the conversation, a nice neutral topic for us to discuss.

It was also an opening for her to ask me about my new podcast, which she has not done so far.

I miss you, Lindsey. I hope you're well!

Update (4:02 p.m. ET): I forgive my friend Lindsey Vonn, who has texted me back.

This is a breaking news post and will be updated as the situation changes.

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