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This Is So Stupid

What’s The Least Flavorful Food Item That Would Nonetheless Instantly Vaporize Prince Philip?

Britain's Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh leaves King Edward VII's Hospital in central London on March 16, 2021.
Daniel Leal-Olivas/AFP via Getty Images

The 99-year-old Prince Philip was released from King Edward VII’s Hospital in London on Tuesday after he spent a month there for a heart procedure and treatment for an infection. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s looking better than he has in quite a while. No mild breeze could topple this hardy bloke!

As I browsed photos of Prince Philip departing the hospital on his way back to Windsor Castle, my mind pulled up an unforgettable tweet from last year: “A single sour patch kid would kill a pilgrim instantly.” We should all be able to agree that one Sour Patch Kid of any flavor—even the relatively mild red raspberry—would also do the same to the husband of Queen Elizabeth II, but what other, blander foods could be included in that category? With that in mind, here’s a non-exhaustive list of food items that would probably instantly turn the Duke of Edinburgh into fine particles undetectable by the human eye.

  • A sprinkling of Old Bay seasoning, blown into his face
  • A tin of anchovies, not consumed but opened in the same room as him
  • A lamb vindaloo dish within a radius of half a mile, or 0.804 kilometers
  • Gazing upon a jalapeño
  • The scent of a spicy chicken sandwich from any establishment
  • A vial of McDonald’s Sprite
  • One lemon-flavored Skittle (not sour)
  • One clove of crushed garlic
  • Garlic in any form
  • Granny Smith apple
  • More than 10 granules of black pepper
  • Any amount of za’atar
  • A single drop of hot honey
  • A bite of a particularly fresh green bell pepper
  • A slice of Monterey Jack cheese
  • Olive oil
  • Aioli
  • Rustic bread
  • Honey roasted turkey
  • Honey Nut Cheerios
  • Honey
  • Club soda
  • 2% milk