It’s Time To Stop Fucking Around: We Need An Official Super Bowl Dessert

Despite what you may think depending on any number of shallow prejudices, I—a Brooklyn-based brown-haired woman with glasses—actually really like the Super Bowl. Do I like the NFL? Or football? Or understand football, for that matter? No, none of the above. But if a 21st-century upbringing has raised me to appreciate anything, it’s a communal television experience, and I’d certainly rather be watching the Super Bowl than the Grammys.

To be honest, what I mostly love about the Super Bowl doesn’t happen on TV, but off to the side, on a kitchen counter or dining table, on ceramic or paper plates, along with booze or maybe a giant root beer. I’m talking about Super Bowl food. Wings, pizza, random raw crunchy vegetables, nachos, jalapeno poppers, fries—all the fucked up, truly “American” foods that are available, like matzo, year-round but only truly appreciated during a singular event. I love Super Bowl food, even the really grotesque spreads that are meant to look like a football stadium (I’m learning in real time that this is called a “snackadium”). 

There is one core issue with Super Bowl food, however, and that is a lack of canonical dessert. Dessert, you’re saying to me, who cares? I’m too full from all of the other corn syrup and sodium-heavy foods. Well, that’s you, maybe, but I’m talking about me, and I could be one inch from my own death and still want a sweet treat. So what is for dessert the night of the Super Bowl? 

Let’s try to figure it out.

Petit fours, tiramisu, macarons, macaroons, croquembouche

No European desserts at the Super Bowl, even if the croquembouche’s cream puffs are shaped like little tiny footballs and maybe the petit fours look like the cones they have on the side of the field. No! I’m not entertaining it.

Brownies

This might seem like an immediately obvious pick if only because a football is brown and so are brownies. Sometimes the players get muddy, also, which might remind people at home of brownie batter. Brownies, though delicious, are low-effort and high-reward, but adding chocolate to a night of rich, acidic food is a nightmare for the heartburn-afflicted set of us.

Cake

Cake, on the other hand, is high-effort and often low-reward. Listen, I love a cake—all kinds of cake. But cake is really easy to fuck up for the distracted or uninitiated or even the more expert amateur bakers. While something like a funfetti cake is definitely on the right path of Super Bowl dessert consumption, it feels a little too frivolous and risky to seriously consider.

Cookies

I’m literally falling asleep at the thought.

Rice Krispies Treat

This is close but less-than-ideal. While certainly a relatively low-effort entry in the American dessert canon, the overwhelming denseness of Rice Krispies treat feels sort of like the sensation of eating a giant spoonful of peanut butter. Further, I suspect its marshmallow tackiness will, like all the salt that preceded it in the night, further dehydrate its consumer.

Ice Cream

Yum! Always good. Does it scream “Super Bowl”? I don’t know ...

Big Jello

OK, now we’re cooking with gas (soon to be illegal—thank you, Joe Biden). A big thing of jello: It’s disgusting, it’s colorful, no one wants it but it doesn’t really make you full so the stomach makes room. It’s a meat product but only in the grossest way imaginable. Definitely warmer!

Bowl Of Candy

If you are older than 24, this is not an option for you. Make a fucking effort.

Pudding

I agree that at the end of the night, sometimes all you want to do is eat slop.

Sidebar: As I worked through the ideas for a canonical Super Bowl dessert, I found the closer ideas to be much more elementary in concept. These weren’t desserts driven by flavor or even quality of taste: these were desserts driven by ease of consumption and texture. These were desserts that felt nostalgic, if not a little silly. Desserts that were enjoyed for what they were more than what they brought to a table. To that end, an answer:

Cookie Cake

Consider the following:

• Buy a cookie cake at the grocery store
• Get whatever you want written on it (e.g. “Go Birds” or the other team)
• Set it out
• Everyone has a triangle

No one remembers the too-dense nature of the cookie cake because everyone only remembers its saccharine icing and its rewarding chocolate chips. After a night of drinking, you may want something sturdy to balance you through the game’s final quarter. A cookie cake is a rare treat, just like a big football game that everyone watches at the same time. And if you pay extra, they might even put some M&M’s on it.

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