A jury in Washington, D.C., Thursday found a local resident not guilty of misdemeanor assault, a charge he earned by spectacularly and hilariously chucking a large sandwich into the chest of a Border Patrol officer in August.
The state attempted to charge Sean Charles Dunn, the heroic chucker of the hoagie, with more serious crimes, but was forced to settle for a single misdemeanor charge after a grand jury refused to indict him. Dunn's victim, a Border Patrol agent named Greg Lairmore, was struck by the sub after being dispatched to Washington, D.C. to help carry out the Trump administration's pointless and fascistic crackdown of the city. After confronting Lairmore and giving him a little of the old business, Dunn whipped an entire Subway sandwich into the officer's chest before leading him on a foot chase.
At the start of the trial on Monday, presiding U.S. District Judge Carl Nichols said that he expected the trial to last two days on account of it being "the simplest case in the world." Not so! It ended up taking four days, including several hours of jury deliberation, to bring this case to a close. At one point during deliberation, the jury asked for clarification on the definition of the phrase "bodily harm," which briefly raised the specter of a mistrial.
It is possible that no misdemeanor trial has ever produced so many memorable courtroom moments. Lawfare reporter Molly Roberts provided several days' worth of wonderful reporting from inside the courtroom. On the second day of the trial, Lairmore testified that the impact of the sandwich was so severe that it "exploded" all over his uniform and left behind the unmistakable smell of "onions and mustard." During cross-examination, the defense pounced on the inconsistencies in Lairmore's testimony, pointing out that the contents of the sub never in fact escaped their packaging.
We’re back to the sandwich video. The paper, the defense points out, is still on. “You don’t see there’s mustard on it?” “You can’t tell there’s ketchup on it?” Mayonnaise? Lettuce? Tomato? “In fact, that sandwich hasn’t exploded at all?” Witness says the sandwich “looks bent and…
— Molly Roberts (@mollylroberts) November 4, 2025
Dunn gave a brief statement to reporters following his acquittal. "Let us not forget, that the great seal of the United States says E pluribus unum," he said. "That means From many, one. Every life matters, no matter where you came from, no matter how you got here, no matter how you identify. You have the right to live a life that is free."
Fuckin' A right, buddy.
