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This Is So Stupid

How Is Urban Meyer Feeling Today?

Illustration by Chris Thompson

Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformance, mismanagement, or scandal.


Urban Meyer made his debut as an NFL coach today, taking his Jaguars to Houston to face the Texans. Despite being favored to win the game, the Jaguars lost 37-21. Tyrod Taylor, who was forced into the Texans’ starting quarterback role due to Deshaun Watson being sued and investigated for sexual assault, threw for 291 yards and two touchdowns. Meanwhile, Jaguars quarterback Trevor Lawrence, making the first start of his NFL career, threw for 332 yards, three touchdowns, and three interceptions. The Jags also committed 10 penalties and only converted three of 11 third-down attempts.

It is the Defector medical team’s understanding that Meyer is currently suffering from intense abdominal pains, a pounding headache, and almost total blindness. It is also believed that Meyer cannot currently stand or walk, and had to be taken out of the stadium today in a wheelbarrow. We are told that Meyer is currently refusing all food, and is only able to take a few small sips of water without vomiting. It appears unlikely that Meyer will be able to coach another game, and fans should not be surprised if he announces his retirement from football tomorrow.

Meyer is currently in very poor health. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.