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This Is So Stupid

How Is Urban Meyer Feeling Today?

Illustration: Chris Thompson

Welcome to the Urban Meyer Postgame Physical, in which our expert medical team will provide a weekly evaluation of Jaguars head coach Urban Meyer, who has previously been forced to resign from two college coaching jobs for reasons that were entirely related to his health and had absolutely nothing to do with underperformance, mismanagement, or scandal.


Urban Meyer’s Jacksonville Jaguars are now 0-4 on the season after suffering a brutal loss to the Cincinnati Bengals last night. The Jaguars led the game 14-0 in the first half, and had a chance to go up 21-0 at the end of the second quarter, but failed to score on a fourth-and-1 play from the goal line. Jacksonville then allowed the Bengals to score on their first two drives of the second half, but were still in position to win the game late in the fourth quarter. With the score tied at 21, the Jaguars sputtered on a six-play drive and were forced to punt the ball back to the Bengals with 5:40 left to play. Joe Burrow then led the Bengals on a 10-play, 73-yard drive that ended with a game-winning field goal:

ESPN’s postgame story described Meyer as having reddened eyes and looking “physically and emotionally drained” during his postgame press conference. Meyer described himself as “heartbroken” and told reporters in the room that his “head was spinning.”

It is the Defector medical team’s understanding that Urban Meyer is currently suffering from a mysterious neurological disorder that has robbed him of all feeling in three of his four extremities. It is also our belief that the “broken heart” Meyer described last night is being caused by a serious case of heartworms. Sources have told us that after Meyer finished last night’s press conference, a Flight for Life helicopter delivered him back to his home in Jacksonville, Florida, where he is currently lying supine on a very large bed and is half-covered with decorative pillows. Meyer’s wife, Shelley, is said to be entering the room every few minutes to feed her husband ice chips.

Meyer is currently in extremely poor health. The Urban Meyer Postgame Physical reflects this.