Big Words Are Big Fun

Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at SF GATE, and buy Drew’s books while you’re at it. Today, we're talking about Trump in the booth, floaters, tape nerd, woke travel plans, and more.

Your letters:

Vince:

In last week’s Funbag, you used the word “obviated” in the question regarding which items students pack when moving into a dorm. This marked the fourth time in two weeks I had to look up a new word after reading it on your website. Was there some internal memo at The Defector encouraging writers to toss in big words whenever possible?

There was no such memo. I know a few big words, and sometimes I use them where they make sense. I am a professional writer, after all. It’s fun to use a big word in certain spots, and not even for the cheap ego boost. I just like it when there’s a specific word that sounds exactly right for the thought I’m trying to convey. I was never the type to look up words in the dictionary, even though it’s a very good habit. But when I stumble upon a new (to me) word that I like, I’m always excited when I come across a prime spot to use it. For example, I learned the word “esker” (a long ridge formed from naturally deposited sediment) from our Rocks for Jocks professor in college. He was a cool professor. He smoked a lot of weed and played rec hockey. He also knew a LOT about what the earth is made of.

Fast forward nearly 20 years, and I’m writing my first draft of The Hike. I’m laying out this scene in a forest, and suddenly my mind remembers the word “esker.” I throw it in there, because it helps flesh out the setting. Then the book comes out and I get a bunch of people going, Where the fuck did he get the word "esker" from? That was cool. It’s fun to share words with people. And since English is one of the largest languages in human history, you never run out of new words to find, and then share. Shit, I learn a new word pretty much every time I read our own David Roth. Took me about 50 exposures until I finally understood what “ouroboros” meant.

To that end, friend of Defector Stefan Fatsis just published a very good book about how the dictionary is compiled, and how every single word in the dictionary has its own history, its own paper trail, and its own devotees. Fatsis breaks down big words, but also a lot of common ones, including my beloved f-bomb. Maybe it’s time I actually started to USE a dictionary for this job. It would have our readers bursting with ebullience!

Joey:

At what point can I expect to walk into a bathroom and not find unflushed shit in the toilet? My kids are five and six. 

I wish I had a definitive answer for you, but my sons STILL leave floaters in the can for me to stumble upon. Then I walk into the TV room and go, “Who didn’t flush the toilet?!” and they both plead ignorance. These aren’t small boys, either. They’re 13 and 16 years old. To their barest credit, they usually flush the brown down. But they don’t always do so, and that’s unacceptable. These two should be at the “always flush” stage by now. They shouldn’t have brain lapses in that department. You stand up from the toilet, you see a mass of filth down in there, and you remember to flush. My sons don’t even drink yet, either. Hence, NO EXCUSES.

Oh, and they leave the seat up after they piss. This is much more understandable. They’re teenage boys, and I myself had to get married before I fully committed to that habit. You know the deal there. You’ve watched Jerry Seinfeld do standup. But I get on my boys about it anyway. Both boys are at the age where the only argument I have in my quiver is, “Girls won’t talk to you if you do that!” And you know what? It NEVER works. Ever. Whatever happened to teenage boys doing anything they could to get laid?! THIS IS ALL WOKEISM’S FAULT.

Joe:

I've heard you and a few others make fun of tape nerds but not give details. As someone who only played middle school football, watching QB School has really helped me understand football a lot better. So I'm confused as to why watching a tape nerd is a bad thing. What are these other guys doing? Lecturing coaches to punt more or throw more checkdowns?

No no no, J.T. O’Sullivan is exempt from my ridicule. He kicks ass, and I find his QB School breakdowns as valuable as you do. I use “tape nerd” as a lazy epithet for any mildly prominent analyst on social media who loves to isolate specific plays to make a wider declaration about that player as a whole. This happened constantly during the back half of Aaron Rodgers’s career in Green Bay, when he could still make throws that no other QB could make, but never ended up with any postseason hardware to show for it (I consider wins a QB stat). I found this deeply annoying, mostly because Aaron Rodgers is a dipshit.

This is a phenomenon across football media because the Dan Orlovskys of this world are encouraged by their employers to puff up players. Highlighting a filthy throw from Justin Herbert is an easy way of doing that. I have no existential problem with this, unless they’re talking up players I know aren’t as good as they’re advertising. That goes for late-stage Rodgers, for Herbert, and for this asshole:

So you see, I really only use “tape nerd” to shit on people who say nice things about players I don’t like. A week ago, I took the opposite tack and got all mad at them for saying MEAN things about my own quarterback. I also got mad at the “data humpers” for brandishing thin metrics that said likewise. Then J.J. McCarthy took the field against Baltimore on Sunday afternoon and demonstrated all the accuracy of an RFK Jr. public health advisory. So all of my enemies were probably correct about him. For that, they must now pay.

(BONUS VIKINGS MINUTE: Prior to drafting J.J. McCarthy, Vikings head coach Kevin O’Connell famously said that organizations fail young quarterbacks more often than the other way around. The implication was that O’Connell, the supposed QB whisperer, wouldn’t make the same mistake. So you understand why I, and every other Vikings fan, am confused as to why O’Connell had a clearly erratic McCarthy throw the ball 42 times on Sunday in an eminently winnable game. When Vikings running backs were averaging 6.8 yards per carry. One of McCarthy’s two picks came when O’Connell called for a deep pass at midfield on third-and-1. No team passes in short-yardage situations more than Minnesota, and no team is worse at it. It’s fucking BAFFLING, and there’s very little to suggest that O’Connell sees any flaws in his approach. He’s failing his handpicked QB in real time and can’t see the irony in it because he’s too up his own ass. I have no idea what the next move is here; all I know that Minnesota is running out of time to salvage McCarthy, and that he’s probably beyond salvation already. All because of O’Connell’s big dumb ego. I find all of this deeply, deeply annoying. But also, Jordan Love still blows.)

Alex:

When you brush your teeth, do you wet the brush before adding toothpaste or after? I am a wet the brush AND toothpaste after kind of guy. But I get a huge eyeroll from my wife when she sees me trying to impart this important part of daily life on the younger teeth brushers in our house. 

I wet my toothbrush before putting on the toothpaste, otherwise I’m in danger of rinsing the paste off the bristles before I’ve even started brushing. Can’t have that. But to each their own; I’m not gonna issue an edict about it.

I also don’t ever remember trying to influence my kids either way. I just told them, “Brush your teeth.” I’m sure that, when they were little, my wife or I pre-applied the toothpaste to give them a head start, but this answer is boring enough already without those extra details. Right now, I’d prefer to focus on children who don’t flush a big ol’ duker down the toilet. YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU, MY TWO RUDE SONS!

Cheryl:

Someone wrote in a while back asking if you thought tortilla chips were ever good on their own or if they are only good as a means to scoop up dips. If I recall correctly, you said that they are really only good with dip. I'd like to offer the counterpoint that they can be good on their own—really good, in fact—if you are supremely high. When if I've smoked quite a bit and run out of buffalo chicken dip (the champion of dips, IMO), I will continue eating the tortilla chips by themselves. 

Well Cheryl now we have a mystery. Either I wrote that chip take while I myself was high (unlikely, because I always write sober), or you tricked yourself into thinking I said that because YOU’RE high. Or I did indeed say that plain tortilla chips were inessential, but didn’t really mean it. Which scenario explains this satisfactorily, and why is it the third one? I may have to get Benoit Blanc on the horn to get to the bottom of this.

Anyway, I prefer to dip my plain tortilla chip into some salsa or guac, but I don’t consider them inedible otherwise. Quite the contrary. Like you Cheryl, I too have been supremely high. And like you, I’ve found regular ass tortilla chips more than satisfying when I’ve had the munchies. Especially if they’re legit tortilla chips, like the ones you get at any Mexican restaurant. Those chips are so fresh, and so warm. They come out of the fryer so incredibly thin, shattering in your mouth with every happy bite. Fuck, now I want some restaurant chips and salsa.

Now, while I’m using this week’s column to unload on my sons for their occasional breaches of decorum, here’s one more gripe. The 16-year-old loves Chipotle. Eats there whenever he sees the chance to. I don’t mind paying for it, but I’ve repeatedly told the guy, “Hey, if you go to Chipotle, bring me back some of those chips.” This is because Chipotle makes kickass tortilla chips, adding in a squeeze of lime juice at the end to give them a little extra personality. Anyway, my son still never brings those chips home. He doesn’t even eat them himself! He just orders his food minus chips and then peaces out! The betrayal I feel as a father … I cannot describe it. Every time I go without chips, or discover a fudge log bobbing around in the toilet, I suffer a grievous emotional wound.

Miles:

Earlier this year I made a pact with a friend that if Zohran won, we would go to New York in 2026. The idea was to show support for the movement. As someone that has a strong connection to New York, do you have any advice on how to visit in a way that helps, or at least respects, the people and coalitions that made Mamdani’s win possible?

You’re overthinking it, amigo. Just go to New York and have a good time. Eat a dirty water hot dog. Buy shitty trinkets at one of the gift shops. Ask a local for directions somewhere. Eat an overpriced Italian dinner. You don’t strike me as the kind of guy who would go to New York and say, “Let’s tour the offices of Goldman Sachs and then eat only at chain restaurants in Times Square!” If you have good taste, as all readers of this column do, you’ll inevitably do shit on a New York visit that supports one, if not many, of the people who formed Mamdani’s coalition. There’s no need to make sure your vacation is sufficiently woke, although I do sense a business opportunity in a series of guidebooks branded The Woke Traveler.

Because a visit to New York City, or any other city, is a show of support for that city. Tourism dollars matter to a city’s residents, and they matter to a city’s powerbrokers (for better or worse). They are, in the old-fashioned capitalist sense, a vote with your pocketbook. So get out there and have a good time, kiddo. There’s no wrong way to do it.

HALFTIME!

Michael:

Was it common knowledge that Trump was going to be on the Lions/Commanders broadcast? I was at a bar watching the noon games but you could only hear the sound for the Bears. By the time I got home and put the Lions game on, fuckin’ Trump is talking. I go out of my way to avoid that man now. 

No, his appearance in the Fox booth was a surprise. And such a happy one! What better to spend my Sunday than by checking out a blowout between the Commanders and Lions, as called by the trio of Kenny Albert, Jonathan Vilma, and Donald Trump? Never have I felt so relaxed. And god bless Red Zone Channel for sticking with the Trump audio just about the whole way through. You know how long he was on that booth? FOREVER. Every time Trump opened his mouth, every minute became an hour, every hour a century. Putting ads on RZC didn’t bother me nearly as much as seeing Scott Hanson hold on President Deathbed as he called a running play.

By the way, I wrote a quick newser here on Sunday about Trump fucking with the nation’s air travel system. Hours after that post went live, a number of Senate Democrats conceded to a budget deal with the Asshole Party. A few commenters in my post then accused me of jinxing the deal with my blog, even though I never predicted anything in it. All I did was yell FUCK at our shitty president. We have best readers in the world and the best comment section on the internet, so I’m not gonna cast aspersions on them as a whole. But for the handful of commenters who blamed me for something easily attributable to Dick Durbin’s continued existence, I’d like to make the following predictions:

• Your favorite team will win a championship next season
• Trump will die of natural causes before the end of December
• Your marriage will stand the test of time
• A feral monkey will not show up at your doorstep and bite your genitals clean off

Write those picks down. They’re a lock. No I’m not being humorless you are.

Ben:

If you had to pick a sandwich to throw at a fascist, what sandwich are you picking and why?

Meatball sub. Piping hot. I want to inflict both pain and a hefty dry cleaning bill.

John:

Has Andy Benoit been vindicated?

For those of you unaware, John is referring to a post I wrote for Deadspin eight years ago that shat all over Benoit, then a writer at SI. Benoit, who once tweeted, “Women’s sports in general (is) not worth watching,” wrote a post under Peter King’s MMQB banner about how Matthew Stafford, then languishing in Detroit, was by far the superior QB to Russell Wilson, then a perennial MVP candidate and Super Bowl champion for the Seahawks. This was a standard-issue take from Benoit, who would eat tape all week in search of the most Mike Lombardi-esque opinion he could possibly muster. Writers like Benoit were one of the reasons that Deadspin existed in the first place. Assholes like him needed proper correction.

Anyway, Benoit was eventually let go by SI and landed a job as a special projects assistant for the Rams in 2021. That same year, the Rams traded for Stafford and won a title with him. Benoit would leave the Rams for the 33rd Team in 2023. But this season, his old employer is again one of the best teams in the NFL, and Stafford is a prime candidate for league MVP. Meanwhile, Russell Wilson is now Joe Flacco without the good vibes. Also, advanced stats now show that Wilson has spent his entire career either unwilling, ever, to throw the ball into the middle of the field. Oh, and his teammates can’t stand him. We can now say that Matthew Stafford is the objectively better football player. Hell, he might be one of the best QBs ever to play the game.

Does all of that vindicate Benoit in retrospect? Well, I have to be the bigger man here, so allow me to finally say it:

No. Fuck that asshole.

Ricky:

What is nerdier, sci-fi or fantasy?

Fantasy. Unless you’re super hot.

Cliff:

As a Dorito lover, what are your thoughts on the Walking Taco? Looks like the big wigs at Frito Lay and the USDA teamed up on this one.

Frankly, I’m surprised that Frito Lay needed this long to appropriate the walking taco/Frito pie for their own benefit. But all they did for it was roll out Dorito bags that open in landscape mode instead of portrait. First of all, enterprising humans already knew how to use a regular chip bag to make a walking taco out of it. Second of all, making the opening in that bag wider makes it harder to eat your walking taco. Eating that shit out of a regular chip bag is key, because the smaller aperture keeps all of the messy ingredients inside the bag. You don’t wanna give a stray lettuce shred the chance to break contain, otherwise your walking taco becomes a sitting taco. So do not buy the official Frito Lay walking taco equipment. You are NOT supporting the Mamdani coalition if you do that.

Andy:

Last week I had my first legit Banh Mi and it was so incredible that I have not stopped thinking about it since. My wife has even yelled at me for bringing it up at least once a day since. What is the last meal that had this effect on you?

Fucking salted cream coffee! I was so into that shit that I wrote a whole post about it! And when I visited my daughter at college a few weeks back, I spotted a Vietnamese coffee shop and howled like a ravenous coyote. I said to everyone in the family, “I gotta get a coffee!” and then brought one back and was like, “You guys HAVE to try this.” They were deeply embarrassed by my behavior. But they also gave the coffee its props. That drink is beyond legit.

Also, I had a steak tartare in Paris a few years ago that I would get on a plane today to eat again.

Mike:

I’ll be partaking in my first away game as a Seahawks fan when they play the Rams this week. Seeking on advice on how to enjoy myself and not get my ass kicked as a visiting fan.

Who’s gonna kick your ass at a Rams game? The CFO’s kid waving a RAMS HOUSE towel that he got free at Gate F? You’ll be fine in Inglewood. Shit, you and your fellow Seahawks fans will probably have Rams fans outnumbered. This isn’t Philly. You’re not gonna get a Weber kettle grill thrown at your head for wearing rival garb. You’re among normal fans in L.A.

But let’s say you ARE going to Philly, or some other loony bin, as a visiting fan. I have no ironclad method for you to avoid conflict, because drunken assholes will do what drunken assholes do. But when I’m in enemy territory as a fan, I just try to go about my business. I wear my team’s shit, I take catcalls with good cheer, and then I root for my team as normal from the stands. I don’t puff my chest if they’re winning (usually not a concern anyway), and I don’t crash out if they’re losing. I act like, you know, an adult. That’s the best you can do, really. You can’t prevent a beatdown, but you can prevent deserving one.

Jordan:

I submit to you that complaints and discourse on who sucks and who is good are wildly overrated. I can't be the only person who barely listens to the broadcast, no matter the sport. On occasion, one of Jonathan Vilma's, Doris Burke's, or John Smoltz's takes will slip through, but I seldom listen to any sports broadcast loud enough for it to really matter. I'm also so focused on the game itself that the commentator's voice fades.

I’m also good at tuning out shitty announcers. I didn’t even know that John Smoltz sucked until everyone else pointed it out. He’s got a low enough register that I can ignore him for long stretches without much effort. When the color guy happens to be Trump though, that’s a little bit harder to do. God, I wish he were easier to ignore. I’d give up the deed to my house for it.

Michael:

How long could you go without using your thumbs? Not saying they are broken or anything, but if you just purposely tried not to use them? Could you make it a month for a handsome payout?

Hang on, lemme try to type my answer without usi—nope. Nope, I just used my thumb on the space bar half a dozen times. You’d have to cut off my thumbs to prevent me from using them, and that’s not worth the dough.

Josh:

You know that sensation when your hand is wet, you touch an ice cube, and it feels like the ice is cold-welding itself to your hand? Why is that not talked about more? In terms of run of the mill inconveniences/annoyances, I could encounter it is way up there.

Yeah, but have you ever had that happen with your tongue, Flick style? That’s the real scare. I keep telling people that ice cubes are too cold, but no one will listen.

Email of the week!

Drew (not me):

I washed my hands in a Buc-ee’s restroom and dried them with paper towels as I walked out. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a trash can about eight feet away. As I walked in the opposite direction, I turned to toss my wadded-up paper towels in. As I was letting go of the wad, I realized that the top of the trash can was covered by a lid that had one small hole in the middle, six inches in diameter at the most. I had no time to adjust my shot before letting go. I started moving towards the trash can, because I assumed my shot wouldn’t go in and that I’d need to finish the job. Instead, it went straight in, nothing but net. Three guys I didn’t know congratulated me. They all gave genuine smiles; one pointed at me, another gave me a fist bump, and another said, “Nice!”

Related, I recently learned about the Buddhist concept of “sympathetic joy” which is basically being truly happy for another’s success or good luck. I’ll admit, it’s rare for me to congratulate someone without feeling a touch of envy, jealousy, resentment, worry, self-consciousness, etc. But when a guy makes a tough trash-can shot, I do feel that honest, whole-hearted joy on his behalf. It seems that these three guys at Buc-ee’s feel the same way. Is it easy for you to feel this pure joy on another’s behalf?

When I read this story, it is. Nice shot, brother.