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A Comprehensively Stupid 2023 NFL Season Preview, With Kalyn Kahler

10:00 AM EDT on September 7, 2023

xxxx during the NFL game between Indianapolis Colts and Jacksonville Jaguars at Wembley Stadium on October 2, 2016 in London, England.
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The NFL season begins tonight. I’m sure you were unaware of this, as the NFL flies under the national radar all offseason long. Then September rolls around and you’re like, “Oh wow, Adam Schefter just tweeted that it’s ‘officially football season’! I had no idea!” Yes, it happens just [snaps fingers] like that.

You, the NFL ignoramus, have been caught off guard by this development. You are wholly unprepared. You didn’t even read Why Your Team Sucks. You’re like, “Well jeez aloo, I can’t even remember won the Super Bowl last year!” (it was the Arizona Cardinals). You know so little about the current NFL landscape, you may as well walk around your office fully in the nude. You’re that embarrassing. You need help. You need to be told, by REAL EXPERTS, and by David Roth, who will be good this season and who will be bad.

And THAT, dear listeners, is the subject of this week’s Distraction. Yes, it’s a full-blown motherfucking NFL preview. Roll the tape!

Like last year, esteemed Defector alum Kalyn Kahler joins us for the festivities. And also like last year, we went too long, because trying to discuss 32 separate teams in under an hour requires discipline, which none of us possess. I should probably invest in some sort of PTI bell. Alas, no Guy Remembering this episode. You'll have to discuss Owen Daniels down in the comments below instead.

Because we spent over an hour plowing through both conferences to sort out the wheat (Kansas City) from the chaff (Tampa). We disclosed our deepest, darkest horses (mine is Houston, stop laughing). And Kalyn made a convincing argument, using knowledge partially gleaned from watching Hard Knocks, that the Jets will actually be terrible this year. One can only hope. Kalyn also graciously answered our questions about the New York Times’ sports section being subsumed by her current employers, telling Roth and me that it felt “gross.”

But you know what doesn’t feel gross? Listening to three friends break down the NFL in such generalized, random, and extremely biased fashion. This is now YOUR tape to eat, and I think you’ll come out a winner by eating it.

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