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Why Your Team Sucks

Why Your Team Sucks 2020: New Orleans Saints

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA - JANUARY 05: Drew Brees #9 of the New Orleans Saints fumbles the ball as he is sacked by Danielle Hunter #99 of the Minnesota Vikings during the fourth quarter in the NFC Wild Card Playoff game at Mercedes Benz Superdome on January 05, 2020 in New Orleans, Louisiana. (Photo by)
Chris Graythen/Getty Images

Some people are fans of the New Orleans Saints. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New Orleans Saints. This 2020 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: New Orleans Man/Boy Love Association.

GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO MY MAWMAW CAN BURY EMAILS LIKE NO ONE ELSE! SHE SHRED THEM EMAILS DOWN AND THEN PLAY THE TROMBONE OVER DEM ASHES HOOWEE!

Your 2019 record: 13-3. Let’s see how it ended!

Were the Saints victimized yet again by the refs failing to call pass interference at the end of a playoff game? Yes. Do I care? No. I do believe that this particular organization no longer has a leg to stand on when it comes to declaring THEMSELVES victims.

Please note that, over the past couple of years, the Saints have deliberately put themselves in position to get fucked over. In that wild card loss to the Vikings—a game they were favored to win by more than a touchdown—Sean Payton fucked up his timeouts yet again, and his offense couldn’t get the ball to Michael Thomas despite the fact that Minnesota was covering him with a safety they’d claimed off of the waiver wire. New Orleans should have won that game by over a touchdown. They should have won that game by MANY touchdowns. But they didn’t. Know why? Because they’re accused of helping to cover up one of the Catholic Church’s many sexual assault scandals.

Your coach: Sean Payton, who always looks like he’s coming out of the tunnel for a WWE match. Ever since The Onside Kick, Payton has developed a penchant for outsmarting himself that would make Chuck Pagano wince. It’s only gonna get worse now that the dreaded Taysom Hill packages are working. At some point this season, you’re gonna see Taysom Hill playing nickelback. Taysom Hill’s ability to play multiple positions doesn’t mean he can do any of them well over an entire game, but goddamn if Payton isn’t gonna try to make him happen.

Your quarterback: Oh you mean this guy?

Now Drew Brees came correct on that take (using the worst stock photo he could find) immediately after the world took a shit on him for it. Should you believe that Brees is no longer the Marco Rubio of football? You should not. Brees has to set the record straight about what he believes a lot, because he believes some truly awful shit and would prefer that you not linger on it. That’s gonna be a problem once fans realize that Brees, at 41, is showing signs of being washed up. Thankfully, the Saints brought in the EXACT kind of backup to siphon off any unwanted attention directed at him:

That’s eternal disgrace Jameis Winston, who threw 30 picks last season and whose contractual base value with the team is $150,000 more than the settlement FSU paid to Erica Kinsman. But wherever Jameis goes, he can always find a new band of suckers willing to buy his horseshit.

“He’s a guy that is not afraid to work. He’s doing well, he’s fit in well.”

Oh and lemme guess. He’s a natural born leader, and so diligent! Why, during the pandemic, he conducted interception drills with Keanu Neal and then groped six waitresses! SUCH UNCOMMON MATURITY.

Taysom Hill got a new contract because the world is burning. His name is stupid.

What’s new that sucks: Lemme get the football shit out of the way first. Larry Warford left the team as a free agent and then opted out due to COVID-19. Teddy Bridgewater went to the Panthers. Malcolm Jenkins returns to the team after winning a title in Philly. And now Brees has Emmanuel Sanders to play with after the Saints gave him a two-year contract. The Saints are yet again poised to win 12-plus games and then lose the NFC title game due to a phantom holding call. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Speaking of repeated atrocities, let’s talk about the Saints giving public relations assistance to the Archdiocese of New Orleans in the wake of 57 members of its own clergy being “credibly accused” of sexual assault. Read a full report from SI’s Jenny Vrentas here, including this exchange between abuse survivor Kevin Burgeois—raped by a priest when he was a teenager—and Saints general counsel Vicky Neumeyer:

Neumeyer met him, carrying a stack of press releases for the reporters gathered outside.

“She was scolding me for being there and questioning what we were doing,” Bourgeois recalls. “I said, ‘We’re serious about this. If the Saints had involvement in this, we have a right to know. And there’s a lot of people in the public, in this city, that are livid that your organization weighed in on pedophile priests.’

“She said, ‘Well, I am just disappointed.’ Then as I was leaving, she goes, ‘Behave out there.’”…

The press release Neumeyer gave him only made him feel worse: In the first line, the Saints described themselves as “an organization recognized for unity and healing,” the identity it proudly forged in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

It gets much worse. According to the Associated Press, lawyers representing two dozen survivors of abuse say they turned up documents that prove the Saints “aided the Archdiocese of New Orleans in its ‘pattern and practice of concealing its crimes.’” The Saints defended themselves by saying they were encouraging the Archdiocese to be open and honest about their crimes, which is ironic when you consider that they concealed their PR work for the Church for fucking years, only acknowledged their role in the scandal AFTER the news broke, and are still fighting in court to keep their communications with the church confidential. WHO DAT? WHO DAT? WHO DAT SAY DEY GONNA EXPOSE DEM CRIMES?

The obvious question is why would the Saints DO any of this shit? Well the answer is because owner Gayle Benson is the kind of devout Catholic whose devotion long ago spilled over into cultist derangement. She’s also a billionaire, and no billionaire can resist the opportunity to help orchestrate and/or cover up human rights violations. Did the NFL investigate any of this? No. The ONE time I need Roger Goodell to put on his cop hat, and he sits it out. Fucking coward. And the Saints are gonna act like none of this happened. They’re the NFL Penn State now but I have to sit there while they pretend to be adorable and their idiot fans—already a group prone to mass truthering—develop into an army of uglier John Zieglers.

So that’s what’s new.

What has always sucked: Again, the fans:

THEY’RE TOO SHITFACED TO EVEN MAKE FUN OF THE REFS CORRECTLY! You know how hard it is to fuck up ref heckling? All you have to do is boo the ref, or call him a drunk, or throw a severed foot at him. But no. No these fans dress up in ref cosplay and expect that to be triggering. WHY DON’T YOU LEAVE FLOWERS AT BILL VINOVICH’S HOUSE WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, LEROY?! That’ll really spook him!

There’s nothing worse than a fanbase that doesn’t know its act has worn thin. You’re in Cubs zone now, Saints fans. And somehow my precious ears are not even close to being the biggest victims. Fuck you. Your team is Gumbogate.

What might not suck: Michael Thomas is still really good BUT WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER WHEN HE’S PLAYING FOR A CHILD SEX RING

Ratto says: “Drew Brees is on a full-bore redemption tour, trying to prove that he can remain a superb quarterback while misunderstanding any of the nuances of Black Lives Matter. Of course, none of this will matter if he remains Drew Brees, throwing every ball for a completion and making wins and money for all his teammates, because that’s how football happens. But he is 41, the planet is cornered and taking body shots from the most evolved species upon it, his coach caught the ‘rona and Tom Brady has just moved across the street and is now the oldest and most famous person on the block. With every quarterwit media producer chasing Brady because he’s Brady, Brees can lie low and try to make the offseason all … fade … away. After all, nobody ever went broke betting on America’s inability to hold a grudge, right?”

HEAR IT FROM SAINTS FANS!

Bill:

The day I found out we hired Jameis Winston was about as bad as the day I found out my ex-wife was cheating on me. Also fuck the corpse of Tom Benson with one of the Katrina cars they pulled out of our useless drainage system.

Philip:

Fuck me with shoplifted crablegs. 

Maron:

I refuse to spend $8 to hear you gloat about the Viqueens knocking us out of the playoffs again.

Eat a dick Drew.

Gunner:

The Saints can overcome losing their Hall Of Fame caliber QB to injury in week 2 and go toe-to-toe until the final seconds with the eventual NFC champions, but they cannot overcome Kirk Fucking Cousins in a wildcard game at home in the Dome.

Mark:

I swear to god I’ve heard numerous variations of this sentence during the last few weeks of bar conversation before the pandemic started: “It’s not like Miss Gayle went into the church and made the priest put his hand on the boy’s dick!”

Tom Dempsey died because our president is a fucking jackass.

James:

Jameis Winston. I guess Jim Drunkenmiller was unavailable.

Devon:

Maybe, just maybe, it ISN’T the refs? Maybe, just maybe it isn’t a voodoo curse?

Paddy:

Our nice church lady owner jobbed out the team’s PR department do some pro-bono cleanup on behalf of the Pedophile Redistribution Division of the Archdiocese of New Orleans.

Our QB, Awshucks McTroophump, happily regurgitated soft-fash talking points about ACCEPTABLE PROTEST and RESPECTING THE FLAG until his personal brand became as toxic as a Trump golf course. Coincidentally, he then underwent a great awokening a mere 48 hours later, so there’s no need to interrogate whether he actually believes that shit (not ideal!) or if he has no core beliefs of any kind and instead just gloms on to whatever is palatable to a certain suburban-dwelling demographic that he happily sells shit to and may one day represent in our beshitted congressional system.

Josh:

A lot has happened in 2020, so you would be forgiven if you missed the fact that this team actively helped cover up a child molestation ring. I am sure you didn’t miss our idiot Advocare, Wrangler, Jimmy Johns, Walk Ons, and Scentsy salesman quarterback who said the dumbest thing imaginable when asked about the killing of unarmed people of color. I swear to you the only reason he walked the comments back and made HUGE efforts to “make it right” were because he realized he needed support for his political career in 2022.

Our coach is probably the most smug piece of shit on earth. It’s incredible how many times he has mocked fans or other players only to have the game turn into a surprise loss. Any time I am feeling too confident about anything, the image of Sean Payton doing the skol clap flashes through my head and I realize everything is terrible. 

The actual team has been in perpetual “win now mode” for the last 10 seasons. It truly is amazing how much in deferred cap hits we have kicked down the road. When Drew does retire to bring his flag-humping ideals to congress, the team will be composed of 7th round rookies and washed up vets on one-year deals. Instead of re-signing a true heir apparent in Teddy, we let him walk and put a first round tender on a third string QB. As much fun as Taysom Hill is, did they really think anyone would match that? Our success as of late is due young players outperforming expectations, but in their infinite wisdom we continue to let them walk in free agency. Alvin Kamara is going to be a Packer next year. 

For some reason, we have a knack for failing in the most entertaining ways imaginable. If we make it to the playoffs, I ask myself which “NFL Top 10 Moments” will be supplanted by this new terrible thing.

We may have the worst fanbase outside of Boston. If you look at any tweet or Reddit post regarding the Saints, I guarantee there will be at least four comments about how Goodell is a clown because he punished the team for trying to kill Frank Gore’s brain. There were serious calls to start Mormon Tim Tebow over Teddy for reasons I can only assume have nothing to do with skin color. Then fans questioned why the pure pocket passer Teddy wasn’t running the option like Cam Newton. Again, for reasons I can only assume have nothing to do with skin color.

This new NFC South is either going to be very competitive or absolutely terrible. I am looking forward to playing the retirement home Bucs twice a year. I am calling it now: we will win the division and suffer an early playoff loss because Daniel Jones developed the ability to fly. 

Fuck the Facons. Fuck Stefon Diggs. Fuck Bill Vinovich. Fuck that shithole state. Fuck me for continuing to follow this team even though they were dogshit until I was an adult. 

Danny:

In the last five years alone they’ve…

– Lost in the playoffs on the Minnesota Miracle (screw you, Drew)

– Lost in the conference championship on the no-call PI to the Rams

– Lost in the playoffs to Minnesota (again!), giving Kirk Cousins his first playoff victory 

– Used their pull in the city to protect sex offender priests (!!!!)

– Owner Gayle Benson does dick to help arena workers for her NBA team during the pandemic, gets rightfully dragged for it, so does an about face and creates a fund (NAMED AFTER HERSELF!) and seeds it with $1 million of her own money (she’s worth $3.2 BILLION) 

– Drew Brees unleashes the most tone deaf statement on anthem protests in the midst of our country’s biggest racial justice movement since Civil Rights,apologizing only after everyone not named Clay Travis called him an idiot for saying it.

I look forward to losing again in the playoffs to the Minnesota Vikings in the hub city of Moosejaw, Saskatchewan or wherever because our country still can’t get its shit together.

J:

This fucking north shore goober who is always in the front row with his arts and crafts and had a meltdown about taking a knee.

Kara:

Where the fuck do I even start? The statue of Tom Benson, who is hailed as some sort of god despite trying to move the team before Katrina? Sean Payton’s pill addiction? The fact that our new backup is Jameis Fucking Winston while Colin Kaepernick doesn’t have a job?

Let’s start with our star quarterback. The nicest thing that can be said about Drew Brees is that he’s dumb as a box of hammers. He got swindled by some jeweler, was “tricked” into making an ad for a homophobic organization, and hawked a pyramid scheme. Then he decided he couldn’t fucking keep his mouth shut and loudly proclaimed his deep fucking ignorance about Black Lives Matter. He did this despite being in a majority Black city. 

There are rumors that Brees is planning some sort of run for office. The rest of Louisiana will gobble that shit up. I can’t wait for Senator Brees to sponsor some legislation depriving people of basic human rights. He’s an overpaid stooge whose arm is going to fall off.

It really sucks that Brees is the figurehead of the team because everyone else is pretty cool. Well, almost. When we didn’t draft Jameis Winston, I breathed a sigh of relief. I largely stopped watching the NFL in protest but at least still held fondness in my heart for the Saints. Now we’ve got Winston for no reason and let Bridgewater go. I honestly don’t think I can stomach a game with Winston playing. 

Saints fans are also terrible. God forbid you make any statements about what a dumbass Brees is or the fact that Payton was a goddamn scab during the NFL strike. Who dat say they gonna be sensitive pricks?

I offered free legal services to protesters arrested in New Orleans. Some mouth-breathing assholes dug through my previous public posts. They found the one calling out Sean Payton as a scab. This was their big “gotcha” moment. I apparently hate the Saints, so I must hate New Orleans and Louisiana. This was a bigger issue to them than the murder of Black men by police officers. 

I could also go on and on about what a dumb fucking idea it was to have the same manager for the Saints and the Pelicans. But I won’t. 

Brad:

I am bracing myself for the most painful fan experience to date, which is saying a lot by recent Saints standards. Three years ago, the Minneapolis Miracle, which left us aghast and emotionally shattered. Two years ago our lives were wrecked by the “no call” resulting in a torrent of indignant outrage that made NFL fans across the country hate us forever. Last year we watched an astonishing defense and scrappy play from Bridgewater power the team through Brees’ absence only to watch the entire team become shells of themselves in the postseason AGAINST MINNESOTA. Now we have an extremely promising squad with the core of last year back, LASIK Jameis as a backup who can’t even get in his usual trouble because all the bars are closed, but we know that the season won’t happen due to the ‘rona. Then we will be staring at a looming Brees retirement, cap space disaster, the end of some extremely fortuitous rookie contracts, and a mountain of hopelessness on top of the vast hopelessness that is the year 2020.

Kyle:

The Saints suck because our entire fanbase is dumb enough to think a 30-year-old man named Taysom will be the next franchise QB.

The Saints suck because we wasted our window not knowing how to play defense. 

The Saints suck because we decided to give a rapey crab enthusiast money.

The Saints suck because a sentient pair of cowboy boots is our city’s football messiah. I don’t care about how good of an apology he gave. If anybody else had Brees’ views I’d talk shit about them online. BUT SINCE HE WON US A RING, I just sit quietly in disapproval. 

The Saints suck because we had to give a dump truck of money to Benson just for him to keep the damn team in Louisiana. LOUISIANA IS BROKE AND WE WERE HAPPY WITH THIS ARRANGEMENT. 

The Saints are only good for handing out historic moments to other franchises in the playoffs. 

I suck because I only care about CTE during the offseason. 

Fuck the Vikings, Fuck Junior Galette, Fuck the fatter Ryan brother, Fuck Roger, and Fuck me. 

Geaux Saints.

Philip:

We are doomed to watch as the greatest QB of all time (WATCH THE TAPE YOU IGNORAMI) squander year after year of unbelievably talented squads to slapdick QBs. 

John:

Kirk Motherfucking Cousins. That Creed-listening “You like that” bag of shit had to go and play the best game of his life beat a Saints team that was in neutral the whole time. Then what happened? All the pundits and talking heads wondered if the Vikings were the real deal only to watch that whole team slip on a banana peel against the Niners.

You want some betting advice? Never bet on the Saints when every so called expert says the other team doesn’t have a chance. Sean Payton will pop a few more pills that week and talk all of the shit only for the team to lose 23-20 to some 9-7 team that stumbled ass backwards into the playoffs.

Fuck this team.
Fuck the Rams.
Fuck the Refs.
And fuck Goodell.

Submissions for the NFL previews are closed. Next up: Minnesota Vikings.