[Opens front door while holding a toy corgi in one arm]
Merry Christmas! Oh my God, you made it! I thought you might be stuck at the airport for weeks! Well, because it’s such madness out there. Piper here won’t eat his treats; he can feel the tension in the air. And our Charlotte just endured a nightmare at O’Hare on her way back to us from Colorado College. Her plane sat on the tarmac for eight hours. And she was seated next to this awful, big fat woman who brought a bag of Taco Bell food onto the plane with her. Can you imagine? I suppose they just let anyone fly these days.
Oh, but I’m going on and on about myself. Come in, right this instant! You’ll have to forgive the paltry decorations around the house. We had to cut back on some of the frivolities this year. Everything is just so expensive now! Did you know that we couldn’t even afford poinsettias for the entryway? Oh I fought Grayham on it, I promise you. I told him, “Darling, what’s Christmas without poinsettias?” But he held firm. Charlotte still has plans to get her masters in social work, he reminded me, and grad school tuition isn’t cheap. What good a degree like that could possibly do her, I have no idea. There’s no money in helping a bunch of druggies. But the girl is as stubborn as her father is, so here we are, scrimping and saving as best we can. No poinsettias. You can tell Piper is sad about it. Aren’t you so sad, Piper? Yes you are! Who deserves a hunk of panettone? You do!
But, as Grayham always reminds me (eyes rolling), Christmas is about being close to the ones you love anyway. So I suppose that we can live without a few of my favorite things this year. And you know what? Don’t tell Grayham this, but I might have used my own credit card to purchase a few extra goodies.
That’s right. It’s the Williams-Sonoma catalog! Who needs poinsettias when we can buy a cake that’s being strangely guarded by a circle of pointless gingerbread rowhouses? And look at how they’ve garnished the cake with sprigs of rosemary. Is there anything that says CHRISTMAS quite like leaving choice bits of underbrush on your food and over the fireplace? Not in this house, there isn’t.
[Whispers] I’ll also let you in on a little secret: we’re not that low on money. Grayham is pretending like we can’t afford the greens fees at Oakenhurst this summer, but I’ve taken a look at our portfolio and dear, it has grown. Considerably. Turns out this AI thing has really taken off! Look, it even made it into the catalog this season!
Looks like Olive has a ways to go before she can replace our food stylist, Edgar. But we’ll leave fixing Olive to the computer people still working on her. In the meantime, let’s flip through the pages of the tome the old-fashioned way: by hand, after four vodka tonics.
ITEM #20-8619261 – KITCHENAID WALNUT ESPRESSO TOOLS, SET OF 3
Price: $249.95
Copy: “Accent your KitchenAid(R) espresso machine with the warmth of walnut espresso tools. Each piece in this handy trio features a unique natural-wood grain pattern to elevate your kitchen style. The two-spout portafilter allows you to prepare two shots of espresso simultaneously. The tamper's ergonomic walnut handle is designed for a comfortable and balanced grip to ensure consistent tamping. The removable bean hopper, complete with an elegant walnut wood lid, makes it easy to switch up your beans.”
Drew says: That's $250 not for the coffee maker, but just for the shit that should usually come free with one. This is like when a steakhouse charges you extra for sauce. I already emptied out my wallet for you, and you can’t even throw in some condiments to go with? What kind of lootbox-ass bullshit is this? What, are my friends gonna shun me because I failed to elevate my kitchen style with a TAMPER? Oh, but this one has an ergonomic wood handle. This thing looks like a buttplug I can rest my drink on. RFK Jr. just told me that using it prevents Asperger’s. And riddle me this: Why can’t the espresso maker itself come in walnut, hmm?
I pasted the above graph into Olive’s prompt. She responded that she had to refer me to a live agent. Then my browser froze as I desperately tried to click away. An entire acre of rainforest had to be set ablaze to make the interaction I just described possible.
ITEM #20-1389693 – SMEG 2-SLICE TOASTER, HONEYCOMB
Price: $329.95
Copy: “SMEG is known for its retro-inspired appliances designed in collaboration with some of the world's top architects and designers. The Italian-based company teamed up with Williams Sonoma to create the Honeycomb collection, featuring bee and wildflower images set on a honeycomb pattern with gold accents. The line of beautifully decorative small kitchen appliances makes the perfect extension to our exclusive dinnerware range.”
Drew says: [Captain Hook voice] SMEG! Yes, when you need an ordinary toaster that looks like someone decorated it with contact paper, SMEG is the vendor for you. This is an appliance for people who don’t actually use appliances. You buy your fancy little honeybee toaster, then you invite Town & Country magazine into your house to take a photo of your kitchen with the toaster in it. And then, when you want an actual piece of toast, you ask your Olive to order you one via Seamless. God, the future has been such a letdown.
ITEM #20-8940434 – MAUVIEL M'150 COPPER B 12-PIECE COOKWARE SET
Price: $2,599.95
Copy: “Mauviel professional copper cookware has been used in the world's great kitchens since 1830 - from fine restaurants to Parisian cooking schools. Designed for perfectly uniform heating with unrivaled temperature control, our set includes the ideal pieces for a wide variety of culinary techniques.”
Drew says: IT COSTS AS MUCH AS A FUCKING FLIGHT TO SYDNEY. I’m always conducting a sticker shock hunt when I go through this catalog. Every year, the top ripoff is usually some insane espresso machine that makes you a latte while also tickling your asshole with an eagle feather (ergonomic walnut tamper not included). So kudos to Williams-Sonoma for finding a cookware set that’ll also cost suckers four figures. My daughter Mauviel will love heating up a bag of Trader Joe’s gnocchi in one of these things.
ITEM #20-1390188 – MOCCAMASTER BY TECHNIVORM KBGV SELECT COFFEE MAKER, BRUSHED SILVER
Price: $369.95. Must be a real piece of shit.
Copy: “The Moccamaster KBGV Select perfectly synchronizes grind, brew time and temperature to brew world-class coffee in just six minutes.”
Drew says: Is that supposed to be fast? I can’t watch a YouTube video that goes on for six minutes, much less wait around that long for a cup of coffee. And if you’re telling that world-class coffee usually takes much longer to brew than a mere peasant cup, well … I’ve been to a Blue Bottle. It’s not worth the time, and I have no time for this shit anyway. I just woke up, the dog has to go take a piss out in the rain, and I accidentally put my underwear on backwards. I ain’t got no six minutes to wait for coffee. I need my yuppie crack NOW.
ITEM #20-4694308 – NORDIC WARE CAST ALUMINUM NONSTICK 75TH ANNIVERSARY BUNDT CAKE PAN
Price: $54.95
Copy: “Designed during the historic year of 2020, the pan features simple yet elegant interwoven strands that symbolize togetherness, continuity and strength.”
Drew says: Ah yes, who can forget the historic year of 2020. What a gay old time that was for the world. I’ll never forget trying to make homemade sourdough bread only to end up more suicidal than I already was.
Also, does your bundt cake have a filling? No? Then get fucked. Who are you, serving me a dry-ass cake with no frosting? What is this, Soviet Russia? Take that cake and shove it up your bundt.
ITEM #20-6490434 – PHILIPS 5000 SERIES DUAL BASKET AIRFRYER, 9 1/2-QT
Price: $349.95
Copy: “Enjoy all the benefits of an air fryer with the added advantages of steaming and dual drawers.”
Drew says: Oh my drawers are always steaming after I eat fried food.
Also, air fryers are for Americans who want to eat fried food, but only classy fried food. Deep frying is for the poors.
ITEM #20-9287159 – AEROPRESS PREMIUM GLASS COFFEE PRESS
Price: $179.95. So cheap!
Copy: “The best-in-class Premium AeroPress is made of glass, stainless steel and aluminum for superior utility, durability and impressive presentation. Its double-walled glass chamber is expertly hand blown to precise measurements to brew exceptionally smooth, flavorful coffee.”
Drew says: But how come it has no walnut accents? This thing looks like a syringe for dosing an elephant. A best-in-class elephant needle, but an elephant needle nevertheless. It’s funny how Americans will spend gobs of money trying to make a decent cup of coffee, and yet any random street cafe in Italy will sell you a €2 cappuccino that blows any of our shit away.
ITEM #20-7778885 – FELLOW STAGG EKG PRO ELECTRIC POUR-OVER KETTLE, SESAME
Price: $199.95
Copy: “The user-friendly controls on the base provide precise temperature control, fast heating, a countdown stopwatch for bloom and pour times, and a hold setting to keep water hot. Gooseneck-style spout helps manage water flow rate.”
Drew says: I am learning so much from this year’s catalog about how to overthink coffee. My coffeepot doesn’t have a gooseneck-style spout. My coffeemaker certainly doesn’t include a stopwatch for bloom times. In my day, you measured bloom time strictly by seeing if you’d grown pubes yet or not. Anyway, I’m glad to discover “sesame” as a new synonym for “white.” Our president, the very famous President Fart, is big on sesame power!
ITEM #20-6442242 – OONI VOLT 2 INDOOR ELECTRIC PIZZA OVEN, POLAR WHITE
Price: $699.95
Copy: “It reaches 85ºF after just 20 minutes of preheating to cook Neapolitan-style pies in as little as 90 seconds.”
Drew says: I gotta wait 20 goddamn minutes for this thing to preheat? It’s the size of a Skechers box, what’s the holdup? And I gotta wait six minutes for my cup of coffee on top of it! This really switches up my beans.
ITEM #20-8563861 – WILLIAMS SONOMA BOLD & PEPPERY HOUSE EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL
Price: $38.95
Copy: “Intensely flavorful, buttery, peppery… To give our California extra-virgin olive oil its robust character, our signature blend showcases the historic, intensely flavorful Manzanillo variety, blended with the buttery, peppery finish of Arbequina olives for perfect balance. Use our premium olive oil in salad dressings and sauces, drizzle it over grilled meats and vegetables, or mix with balsamic vinegar to create a delicious dip for bread. A Williams Sonoma exclusive.”
Drew says: Oh wow, it’s an exclusive! Can’t buy olive oil anywhere else, that’s for sure! Now, here’s a pro tip if you, the reader, would ever like to get into the business of selling gourmet provisions to the well-to-do: always use proper nouns when describing your product. They don’t even have to be real proper nouns. Pair this oil with a Durgen Farms wagyu, finish it off with a serving of Antananarivo chocolate for dessert and HEY PRESTO! You’ll get empty compliments for the rest of the night.
ITEM #20-3491297 – THE ORIGINAL WILLIAMS SONOMA PEPPERMINT BARK, 3 LBS.
Price: $99.95
Copy: “Our nostalgic peppermint bark is often copied but never matched in quality or flavor. The once-a-year favorite is crafted using the finest ingredients, including custom-blended chocolate and double-distilled oil of peppermint, and finished with a snowfall of peppermint candy pieces.”
Drew says: There she is. I had to wait until page 45 until they busted out the peppermint bark. The fuck are you on about, William Sonoma? A solid 80 percent of your fourth-quarter sales come from this stuff. A brick-and-mortar William Sonoma store is just a peppermint bark shop with a kitchen utensil museum affixed to it. No one is buying your $30 margarita rimmer, Mister Sonoma. You know that as well as I. So let’s dispense with the window dressing, shall we? Just give me the bark. And there BETTER be a snowfall of peppermint candy pieces on my shit when I open the tin. If I judge the snowfall totals to be substandard, I will smack you dead in the balls with a Mauviel saucepan.
ITEM #20-8262887 – PORSCHE X SMEG TOASTER, SHADE GREEN
Price: $349.95
Copy: “SMEG recently teamed up with Porsche to build a limited-edition collection showcasing the car company's iconic sporty design.”
Drew says: Did you know that this SMEG toaster is $20 more than the SMEG bathroom wallpaper toaster that I broke down earlier in this guide? Did you know this Porsche toaster is just as slow as a regular-ass toaster? We’re talking a bloom time of hours here, so you’re just paying for the licensing cost. German engineering, my dick.
By the way, no one will be wowed by your Porsche toaster. You know why? Because it’s a fucking toaster. Spring for a vintage 911 and then I’ll be impressed.
ITEM #20-3300838 – LOTUS PROFESSIONAL SERIES THE PERFECTIONIST OVEN
Price: $799.95
Copy: “The Lotus Perfectionist Oven employs advanced convection, precise control and an integrated temperature probe to deliver fast performance and flawless results. Whether you're air frying onion rings, roasting a tenderloin or baking cookies, this space-saving, energy-efficient oven makes all types of cooking practically effortless.”
Drew says: Please don’t roast an entire beef tenderloin in your toaster oven. If you paid $800 for one, you almost certainly also own a $10,000 Wolf stove for larger tasks. Use that oven instead, unless you enjoy having to spend an hour cleaning spattered beef fat from the sides your Pop Tart machine. This is the kind of vanity appliance that Sandy Hill Pittman had the sherpas drag up to the summit Everest for her.
(Also, I double-checked and this Lotus is not the same Lotus as the car one. The marketing team at SMEG senses an opening.)
ITEM #20-2211599 – GE PROFILE OPAL 2.0 ULTRA NUGGET ICE MAKER WITH SIDE TANK SCALE INHIBITING FILTER, SANDSTONE
Price: $629.95
Copy: “Adding sleek style to your kitchen, the advanced GE Opal Ultra Ice Maker with Side Tank comes in a range of premium finishes and features several upgrades, including magnetic ice-scoop storage for convenient and hygienic ice handling. Coordinate it with your existing appliances for a streamlined look when you make the switch from hard ice cubes to soft, crunchy, restaurant-style ice.”
Drew says: As a certified dad, let me tell you about icemakers: they break. All the time. You could get this one in sesame instead of sandstone, and it would still break within a month of buying it. There’s less upkeep in owning a fucking sailboat. Also, how much countertop space does WS think people have? I can only accommodate for so many SMEG toasters. Now you want me to add a pizza oven, a coffee press, an air fryer, a two-spout portafilter, and an icemaker to the proceedings? And they all have to coordinate? This isn’t a Capitale Grille, motherfucker! It’s a normal, human kitchen. Do you want me to buy a dorm room fridge to pile onto that shit, too?
What’s that? You’re saying you’ve got an even better idea than a dorm room fridge? Well what is it?
What the fug…
ITEM #20-8268366 – BARTESIAN PREMIUM COCKTAILS ON DEMAND
Price: $399.95
Copy: “Savor the premium pours of a cocktail bar from the comfort of home with the award-winning Bartesian cocktail maker. Simply pop in a capsule, select your strength and press Mix - your perfect cocktail is ready in seconds.”
Drew says: I’m merely a recovering alcoholic, but I think I’m qualified to speak for the millions of active alcoholics trying to get by in America today: this machine is an insult to alcoholism. Half the fun in drinking is the ritual of it. You go on a booze run, you bring all of the goodies home, and then you mix up your own old fashioned by tripling the amount of whiskey in the recipe. That’s how the pros kill themselves slowly. They don’t go, “Boy, it sure is a pain holding this delicious, wonderfully full bottle of Old Overholt in my hands. If only someone would invent the Keurig of bartending for me!” There’s no love of the game in that kind of shortcut. I’d rather my kids grow up with a gambling addiction than drink like this.
ITEM #20-5252899 – ROWENTA IXEO VISION ALL-IN-ONE STEAMER
Price: $399.95
Copy: “Make sure your holiday linens are pressed to impress. Rowenta’s powerful steamers ensure impeccable results.”
Drew says: Oh, do you not own holiday linens? And are they not pressed (to impress) on a regular basis? Well then you probably don’t like Christmas at all. You must be a real asshole, buddy!
“Rowenta’s powerful steamers” was actually my fantasy football team’s name this season.
ITEM #20-9592150 – JURA J8 TWIN FULLY AUTOMATIC ESPRESSO MACHINE, DIAMOND WHITE
Price: $3,799.95
Copy: “Advanced Swiss engineering makes this machine the perfect choice for coffee connoisseurs. The JURA J8 twin brews specialty drinks made with two different types of beans at the touch of a button. The multitalented appliance has two bean hoppers, two high-performance P.A.G.3+ conical grinders and dual spouts, so it can prepare coffee and espresso separately or simultaneously for the ultimate customization.”
Drew says: And so we come to the biggest ticket item in the catalog this season, and it’s the same brand of espresso machine that takes the crown every year. I actually got to use one of these machines for the first time this summer. It made perfectly good coffee, and in less than six minutes. I think it also told me that it needed a software update. Oh, and it had a whole CLEAN ME alarm go off when it needed cleaning. For that much money, you can clean your damn self up, coffee. I’m here to get my asshole tickled. Right, Olive?
Aw, you’re no fun. Humbug to the robots, and MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!!!
