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Robinson Canó Will Lose $24 Million After Testing Positive For Archaic Steroids

Robinson Cano #24 of the New York Mets spits
Mitchell Leff/Getty

Thanks to the 10-year, $240 million contract that he signed back in late 2013, Robinson Canó was set to make $24 million just for suiting up as a Met this season. As long as he didn’t do anything so heinously against the rules that it would net him a massive suspension, like when he tested positive for furosemide in 2018 and had to sit out 80 games, it’d be yet another season with an enormous payday for the eight-time All-Star. And I mean, he surely learned his lesson with that heavy punishment. It’s not like he would just continue to brazenly—

Lol. As soon as the Mets try to turn the corner past the Wilpon era, something this tremendously, obviously dumb happens, and a guy who’s still mostly an above-average hitter in the infield gets caught with something that really should not be in his body. To add insult to injury, Canó reportedly didn’t even try to cheat in a clever way, opting instead for the same shit that disgraced Ben Johnson all the way back at the 1988 Olympics.

One would have to believe that there are more efficient, effective, and under-the-radar ways to dope in 2020—tiny robots in your blood, a brain implant that lets you read minds, a rat that hides in your helmet and pulls your hair in order to move your arms at the exact right time you need to smash a 99-mph fastball into the bleachers. But nah, Canó went with the PED equivalent of banging loudly on a trash can, and now he’s gotta spend his summer playing video games and getting into quilting. At least he’s got another $48 million coming to him before his contract is up.